but I was at the restaurant tonight and there was a woman that was absolutely PLASTERED and making out with some sketch homie with a goatee at the bar. Long story short while I enjoyed my cheap 18 oz. Miller opposite from ground zero my manager had to come out and walk this woman to dude's car just to get her out of the establishment before some poor server had to mop up vomit for $2.50 an hour. Through further investigation I learned that the woman is a preschool teacher and I surmised that what with the Christmas holiday and whatnot she was celebrating the fact that she doesn't have to scream at 4 year olds for 8 hours tomorrow and the idea of grown-up time got the best of her and she had one too many apple sugar gumdrop-tinis and decided she was going to teach that dickhead of an ex-husband a thing or two. As she's being dragged to the imaginary border of non-lawsuitville I look over at Ashlee the bar stewardess and say "heh...I remember my first beer." Now this is a completely unoriginal remark that I stole from the movie "Stepbrothers" and I feel like there needs to be more funny remarks people can make when some dork illustrates for the world how much of an upstanding fuckup they are. So...here is what I can come up with at 3:06 in the morning:
Someone get this guy on some heavy machinery!
Shit...in that state Hemingway would be reeling in a marlin.
Hi! I'm Shitfaced...meet you in the bathroom?
Thank God...I was starting to think those pills were bullshit.
Someone's pulling a Matrix in the morning. (A Matrix is when you sneak around your office from cubicle to cubicle avoiding interaction with any authority figure a la Neo at the beginning of the Matrix. It's also when you lean back limbo-style and dodge something being thrown at you or narrowly miss being hit by a subway train.)
You know what, I'm feeling creative...I think I'm going to draw a vagina on your face tonight for a change.
No seriously I'm interested...what is your opinion of Ron Paul's stance on a nuclear Iran and do you think he could gather the momentum and campaign funds to win the Iowa caucuses?
You know your child support's due in the morning, right?
Youtube's gonna love this!
Boy, the last time I was that drunk was when I found out Obama won the election.
Boy, the last time I was that drunk was when I found out I missed the McRib by a day.
Boy, the last time I was that drunk was when I had box seats for Bananarama.
(To a dude) Don't worry...I'm sure he'll call...faggot.
(To a girl) Ya...he won't be calling. What're you doing later?
(To a girl) You ever sat on someone's face in a porta-potty? Oh...uhhh...you like Nicolas Cage movies?
Shit! And here I am fresh outta lube.
Wait, wait you dropped something...is this your baby?
Sir, I'm going to need to see some proof of citizenship...no sir you go fuck YOURself.
How much cash you got on you? Ah hell you're good...I've bribed a cop with way less.
Good thing that chick's got a vomit fetish.
Dude she's totally into you...although I do think you need to flex more.
Pants are for pussies!!
I'm Mr. Charles, the head of your security down here. I specialize in a very specific type of security...subconscious security. I am here to protect you in the event that someone tries to access your mind through your dreams. They're coming for you...
You in a band, bro?
OK that's all I got for now but if any more come to me I will definitely be posting them in some form as soon as possible. Please everyone, please take alcoholism seriously and do everything you can to mock and fuck with people that can't handle their shit. If they're really young it will build they're character and sense of humor and if they're old fuck 'em they should have learned by now. Good night and good luck.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Took a little break.
So sorry for the absence there boys and girls. I felt like I needed to take a break from ejaculating pure unadulterated inspiration upon the masses. Plus I couldn't come up with anything to write so I saved all of you the misery of reading something stupid that you keep thinking is going to get better if you just keep reading on. I hate when I read an article or short story that seems interesting in theory and then you start reading and it sucks but you keep reading anyway because you're like well fuck it I've gotten this far I should finish and then at the end you've wasted 8 minutes of your life learning about the logistical challenges of shipping Justin Beiber figurines out of China. I mean who hasn't been through that series of events?
So what's been happening? Well we're officially in the thick of the Holidays and I am my usual bah-humbug bitch about humanity awful self. I mean really are people still into these pointless celebrations of American excess and human insecurity? When are we going to put the Christ back in " Jesus Christ give me more pie and Xboxes or I'm gong to rip your fucking throat out you bitch!"? I don't know perhaps if I had children I would get more into it but everything about Christmas and Thanksgiving just annoys the shit out of me. People are pepper-spraying each other for video games for shit sakes! Anyway I won't go too deep into it because it has been vastly overdone but screw Christmas. Plus it's during the winter and we all know how I feel about that.
Ya I'm not sure why I didn't post for so long. Football season maybe, this new job perhaps. Oh ya I'm waiting tables now. Believe it or not it's kind of fun. The hours are strange but you can really learn a lot about people watching them eat chicken wings. It's a healthy little family place that serves a great porter and a steady clientele of quiet people who tip well. And I think I'm taking to the restaurant life like a duck to water. I mean really, I'm already an alcoholic, I like sleeping in late, I smile a lot and I enjoy getting paid for tasks that don't require much thought...sounds like a dream job to me!! Actually it's working out well and I've entered a bit of a holding pattern for now.
I want to jump on a topic real quick that I've never touched on and I hope ya'll will be receptive to it. Now just do me a favor and finish the paragraph before you shit all over you're computer chairs and stop answering my texts when I'm looking for people to sniff glue with. I am sympathetic to pedophiles. There I said it. No I am not myself a child fucker nor do I know any personally but since the last time I posted it seems like it has become an incredibly fashionable thing to fuck children if you work for a division 1 college athletic program. I'm not completely sure how this particular fad caught on but I equate it with words with friends and faux hawks in that I really don't get it and I'm very comfortable that I never bought in to the trend. So anyway, people are born the way they are. Homosexuality, without a doubt, is a born state of being that people live with and accept and are able to gain happiness from. So is a foot fetish. So is fucking pastrami sandwiches dressed as Joan Rivers with baking utensils shoved up your ass covered in goats blood under a full moon with Asian businessmen throwing mayonnaise at you. And honestly...so is being a pedophile. Those people are born that way and I feel deeply sorry for them that they have to carry such an unspeakable trait of their personality for their entire lives. However, you can be a pedophile and do the right thing and save a shit ton of innocent lives and that is kill yourself. Seriously, if you have something that you were born with that you can't control that is going to force you to destroy human beings I don't give a fuck if you write We are the World or if you cure cancer or invent the hover board someone else will too and the world will be just fine if you kill yourself. If you don't then you deserve whatever happens to you but I think the American media should start advertising more to the world that if you have a major problem that you can't control and you aren't going to attempt to treat it you need to rid the world of your existence. And seriously, leave a note and if you say in it "I was going to start fucking kids but I killed myself instead" you should get a fucking postmortem medal for being an awesome human being. OK I'm done with the baby-rape talk now I will move on.
I'm going to be honest with ya'll...I really wanted this to be an epic post since I haven't written in a while but sometimes inspiration doesn't come as freely as you would think. All of my friends, all of you that read this make me as happy as I could ever imagine being. And isn't that our goal? To be happy? To get some good laughs in before we're dead and over? Drinking beers and making boner jokes with the people I love truly makes feel like I'm making something out of this existence. Of course that sounds stupid but times when I was fucked up and talking shit with people that I know have my back is when I have truly felt comfortable and happy. I'm in a holding pattern right now. I've had a shitty year and I'm evaluating what I want out of my life. There are so many people that don't have that freedom. It's a cliche but seriously I have nothing but first world problems. Every job I have had since graduation has provided me with plenty of currency but nothing in the way of actual value. I was strong and ready to take it on and had a seven foot boner with every paycheck that was direct deposited into my account. Was I happy? Honestly...of course not. It sucked, it hindered my self-confidence and I decided to make a change. I went on the road thinking that would do it but of course I came back home and had the same questions and confusions I did before. I did learn some stuff about the world and did gain some confidence in my ability to survive but I came back and I was still me. I'm working on it though and when the time comes I'm sure I'll figure out something. Well that was a little whiny and touchy feely but I don't think I'm going to delete it.
Well I'm going to try and post a lot more often here on out guys. It's weird times for everybody and I find this blog to be very therapeutic. And I promise I won't get as gay and deep as I did here in the future. We got New Years...we got Justice...we got any number of amazing and awe-inspiring excuses to get fucked up in the coming months and I'm gonna brag about all of it to ya'll bitches.
So what's been happening? Well we're officially in the thick of the Holidays and I am my usual bah-humbug bitch about humanity awful self. I mean really are people still into these pointless celebrations of American excess and human insecurity? When are we going to put the Christ back in " Jesus Christ give me more pie and Xboxes or I'm gong to rip your fucking throat out you bitch!"? I don't know perhaps if I had children I would get more into it but everything about Christmas and Thanksgiving just annoys the shit out of me. People are pepper-spraying each other for video games for shit sakes! Anyway I won't go too deep into it because it has been vastly overdone but screw Christmas. Plus it's during the winter and we all know how I feel about that.
Ya I'm not sure why I didn't post for so long. Football season maybe, this new job perhaps. Oh ya I'm waiting tables now. Believe it or not it's kind of fun. The hours are strange but you can really learn a lot about people watching them eat chicken wings. It's a healthy little family place that serves a great porter and a steady clientele of quiet people who tip well. And I think I'm taking to the restaurant life like a duck to water. I mean really, I'm already an alcoholic, I like sleeping in late, I smile a lot and I enjoy getting paid for tasks that don't require much thought...sounds like a dream job to me!! Actually it's working out well and I've entered a bit of a holding pattern for now.
I want to jump on a topic real quick that I've never touched on and I hope ya'll will be receptive to it. Now just do me a favor and finish the paragraph before you shit all over you're computer chairs and stop answering my texts when I'm looking for people to sniff glue with. I am sympathetic to pedophiles. There I said it. No I am not myself a child fucker nor do I know any personally but since the last time I posted it seems like it has become an incredibly fashionable thing to fuck children if you work for a division 1 college athletic program. I'm not completely sure how this particular fad caught on but I equate it with words with friends and faux hawks in that I really don't get it and I'm very comfortable that I never bought in to the trend. So anyway, people are born the way they are. Homosexuality, without a doubt, is a born state of being that people live with and accept and are able to gain happiness from. So is a foot fetish. So is fucking pastrami sandwiches dressed as Joan Rivers with baking utensils shoved up your ass covered in goats blood under a full moon with Asian businessmen throwing mayonnaise at you. And honestly...so is being a pedophile. Those people are born that way and I feel deeply sorry for them that they have to carry such an unspeakable trait of their personality for their entire lives. However, you can be a pedophile and do the right thing and save a shit ton of innocent lives and that is kill yourself. Seriously, if you have something that you were born with that you can't control that is going to force you to destroy human beings I don't give a fuck if you write We are the World or if you cure cancer or invent the hover board someone else will too and the world will be just fine if you kill yourself. If you don't then you deserve whatever happens to you but I think the American media should start advertising more to the world that if you have a major problem that you can't control and you aren't going to attempt to treat it you need to rid the world of your existence. And seriously, leave a note and if you say in it "I was going to start fucking kids but I killed myself instead" you should get a fucking postmortem medal for being an awesome human being. OK I'm done with the baby-rape talk now I will move on.
I'm going to be honest with ya'll...I really wanted this to be an epic post since I haven't written in a while but sometimes inspiration doesn't come as freely as you would think. All of my friends, all of you that read this make me as happy as I could ever imagine being. And isn't that our goal? To be happy? To get some good laughs in before we're dead and over? Drinking beers and making boner jokes with the people I love truly makes feel like I'm making something out of this existence. Of course that sounds stupid but times when I was fucked up and talking shit with people that I know have my back is when I have truly felt comfortable and happy. I'm in a holding pattern right now. I've had a shitty year and I'm evaluating what I want out of my life. There are so many people that don't have that freedom. It's a cliche but seriously I have nothing but first world problems. Every job I have had since graduation has provided me with plenty of currency but nothing in the way of actual value. I was strong and ready to take it on and had a seven foot boner with every paycheck that was direct deposited into my account. Was I happy? Honestly...of course not. It sucked, it hindered my self-confidence and I decided to make a change. I went on the road thinking that would do it but of course I came back home and had the same questions and confusions I did before. I did learn some stuff about the world and did gain some confidence in my ability to survive but I came back and I was still me. I'm working on it though and when the time comes I'm sure I'll figure out something. Well that was a little whiny and touchy feely but I don't think I'm going to delete it.
Well I'm going to try and post a lot more often here on out guys. It's weird times for everybody and I find this blog to be very therapeutic. And I promise I won't get as gay and deep as I did here in the future. We got New Years...we got Justice...we got any number of amazing and awe-inspiring excuses to get fucked up in the coming months and I'm gonna brag about all of it to ya'll bitches.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
October rocks whether the Braves suck or not.
Ya the last couple of weeks have been pretty swell And ya I used the word swell, what of it???
October is the absolute most awesome badass time of year for myself and thus the entire universe for a variety of reasons that all culminate right about 4 days into the month. Let's start with the most obvious: football. Football by this time of year has taken a steroid rage-esque stanglehold on the frontal lobes of every non-vegetable human being in America and it is a breathtaking sight to watch us all drool over and brag about the spellbinding achievements of others. Sweet Lord just thinking about Drew Brees ninja-punching homo Indianapolis linebackers in front of millions of screaming lunatics makes me embarrassingly aroused. And of course the Dawgs are usually spending this time of year deciding whether we will be beaten by both Tennessee and Florida or if it will just be Florida...Let's beat the odds this year Richt! Oh football you are in the top five excuses I use to get hammered while the sun is shining.
Reason number 2: The weather. I mean duh this is an obvious one but I think October really closes the case on why the South is awesome and everything up North is awful and barren and terrible. In places like Milwaukee and Fargo and Fucktard, New Hampshire it's starting to get cold as balls and they're having to start feeding the babies more liquor and burning more animal dung to keep the frostbite from spreading. And hey that's totally fun and probably pretty cool but honestly I'd rather live down here where we can still wear shorts and not feel weird ordering a Bud Light Lime. Nope, down here it's still absolutely beautiful and all of the snow monkeys in the Northern Territories are hunkering down to begin growing their Winter coats and overeating sausages to prepare for the hibernation. Oh glorious sunshine you are fun and cool!
So what else...oh I get to go to Destin in October which sounds strange but you must understand that the famous Destin Fishing Rodeo happens throughout the month of October and on the second weekend of the month we go down there and go fishing. And if I'm lucky I am unemployed at this time of year and I can go down early and get drunk for a few extra days before we go out fishing on Saturday. Yayyy unemployment vacations!!! Well that did happen to be the case this year and Dad and I went on down early and commenced slow Florida living. Well to be honest it kind of reminded me of being back on the road. I'd put Dad to bed at like 10 and then it's just me and I go out for a drink and wind up chilling at the bar alone. It's healthy and you learn to actually appreciate the quiet and entertaining yourself. You watch all the other fools around you making jokes and trying to bang each other and you sit back and enjoy the show. So anyway the forecast was calling for 10 foot seas and we all decided that violently puking while trapped in a washing machine we paid money for was not an enjoyable Saturday and commenced return to the right side of the border.
Actually I came on back early and got to catch a SICK Widespread show that freaking ROCKED! Best Flat Foot Floozy ever. I was able to snag a tik at the last second and they really brought the heat. Ricky and I both agreed it was a phenomenal show. And then what happens the following weekend? Bassnectar and Pretty Lights!! Or Pretty Lights and Bassnectar!! However you like it but this past weekend was a blur of bass bomb ridiculousness. I went ahead and booked a hotel up in Alpharetta to limit the influenced explorations and from there it was raging awesome electronic music and wondering what the hell all these high school kids were doing out. It's a little unnerving when you see some 16 year old girl wearing a bikini and fishnets, covered in glitter and domed out of her skull on MDMA. I swear these kids today either have way overly cool parents or they are much better liars than I ever was. In any case PL and BN were incredibly awesome as well as Big Gigantic who is a personal favorite of mine. I just have a thing for any band with a saxophone...makes me feel like a film noir detective in the forties.
And Halloween's coming up and it doesn't look like I'm going to make it to the Cocktail Party again this year. It's a little depressing but maybe I'm getting too old for these 3 day drinking binges. Or maybe they just come around a little too often. There will be parties however and I guess I have to conquer that most American of dilemmas we all have to face at least once a year...what will I wear to the costume party? Shit I'm terrible at this. I'll probably cop out and just be green man but I'm very tempted to go as Bearded Ke$ha. I'd like to go as something that wouldn't completely rule out the idea of getting laid but hell if I get a few good laughs that's probably just as good and far less messy. Well have a wonderful week boils and ghouls and I'll catch you on the flipside.
October is the absolute most awesome badass time of year for myself and thus the entire universe for a variety of reasons that all culminate right about 4 days into the month. Let's start with the most obvious: football. Football by this time of year has taken a steroid rage-esque stanglehold on the frontal lobes of every non-vegetable human being in America and it is a breathtaking sight to watch us all drool over and brag about the spellbinding achievements of others. Sweet Lord just thinking about Drew Brees ninja-punching homo Indianapolis linebackers in front of millions of screaming lunatics makes me embarrassingly aroused. And of course the Dawgs are usually spending this time of year deciding whether we will be beaten by both Tennessee and Florida or if it will just be Florida...Let's beat the odds this year Richt! Oh football you are in the top five excuses I use to get hammered while the sun is shining.
Reason number 2: The weather. I mean duh this is an obvious one but I think October really closes the case on why the South is awesome and everything up North is awful and barren and terrible. In places like Milwaukee and Fargo and Fucktard, New Hampshire it's starting to get cold as balls and they're having to start feeding the babies more liquor and burning more animal dung to keep the frostbite from spreading. And hey that's totally fun and probably pretty cool but honestly I'd rather live down here where we can still wear shorts and not feel weird ordering a Bud Light Lime. Nope, down here it's still absolutely beautiful and all of the snow monkeys in the Northern Territories are hunkering down to begin growing their Winter coats and overeating sausages to prepare for the hibernation. Oh glorious sunshine you are fun and cool!
So what else...oh I get to go to Destin in October which sounds strange but you must understand that the famous Destin Fishing Rodeo happens throughout the month of October and on the second weekend of the month we go down there and go fishing. And if I'm lucky I am unemployed at this time of year and I can go down early and get drunk for a few extra days before we go out fishing on Saturday. Yayyy unemployment vacations!!! Well that did happen to be the case this year and Dad and I went on down early and commenced slow Florida living. Well to be honest it kind of reminded me of being back on the road. I'd put Dad to bed at like 10 and then it's just me and I go out for a drink and wind up chilling at the bar alone. It's healthy and you learn to actually appreciate the quiet and entertaining yourself. You watch all the other fools around you making jokes and trying to bang each other and you sit back and enjoy the show. So anyway the forecast was calling for 10 foot seas and we all decided that violently puking while trapped in a washing machine we paid money for was not an enjoyable Saturday and commenced return to the right side of the border.
Actually I came on back early and got to catch a SICK Widespread show that freaking ROCKED! Best Flat Foot Floozy ever. I was able to snag a tik at the last second and they really brought the heat. Ricky and I both agreed it was a phenomenal show. And then what happens the following weekend? Bassnectar and Pretty Lights!! Or Pretty Lights and Bassnectar!! However you like it but this past weekend was a blur of bass bomb ridiculousness. I went ahead and booked a hotel up in Alpharetta to limit the influenced explorations and from there it was raging awesome electronic music and wondering what the hell all these high school kids were doing out. It's a little unnerving when you see some 16 year old girl wearing a bikini and fishnets, covered in glitter and domed out of her skull on MDMA. I swear these kids today either have way overly cool parents or they are much better liars than I ever was. In any case PL and BN were incredibly awesome as well as Big Gigantic who is a personal favorite of mine. I just have a thing for any band with a saxophone...makes me feel like a film noir detective in the forties.
And Halloween's coming up and it doesn't look like I'm going to make it to the Cocktail Party again this year. It's a little depressing but maybe I'm getting too old for these 3 day drinking binges. Or maybe they just come around a little too often. There will be parties however and I guess I have to conquer that most American of dilemmas we all have to face at least once a year...what will I wear to the costume party? Shit I'm terrible at this. I'll probably cop out and just be green man but I'm very tempted to go as Bearded Ke$ha. I'd like to go as something that wouldn't completely rule out the idea of getting laid but hell if I get a few good laughs that's probably just as good and far less messy. Well have a wonderful week boils and ghouls and I'll catch you on the flipside.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Could weaponized Rabies be the mutated zombie super-virus that finally starts the Apocolypse?
OK I have a question for the masses...does Hollywood know when it makes a shitty movie? I just watched Waterworld (ya...that whole freaking movie) and literally every 30 seconds I was seeing something that didn't make any sense whatsoever. I mean holy shit so the entire plot is worked around this little girl with a tattoo of a map to dry land on her back. You know what this map is? It's a circle with an arrow on it. How freaking stupid is having a map when everything is water. And nobody once asks this little girl where she got the tattoo. Another hole in that plot...where did all the bad guys get the cigarettes? I mean I know it was a requirement with mid-nineties movies that bad guys had to smoke but I found it a bit difficult to explain in this film. If only Nicolas Cage could have been in it....
Getting back to my point, does Hollywood know when it makes a piece of shit movie. There has to be incredibly intelligent people out there writing these movies. Are they convinced what they've written is good or do they think the American people are stupid enough to think it's cool and thus produce a sizeable profit with the least amount of intellectual labor. Honestly I believe it's the latter. We cater to and worship awful morons in this country and I think Hollywood is going to continue to push turds onto the movie screen as long as assholes are keeping those Jersey Shore mongoloids high in the ratings. Retardary and obnoxiousness are valued in our culture and that is why everything sucks here now. I am certainly not against a private industry making profits and I believe deeply in free trade and capitalism but I am very convinced that the search for profits in Hollywood has destroyed an artform in America and that is a fucking shame. For God sakes did you guys see Green Lantern? We've become lab rats giving measured reactions to flashing lights and pretty colors. No spirits, no passion, no excitement and no good taste in anything. Of course can I really talk shit? I want to start a George Michael cover band and Roswell is one of my favorite shows of all time. Nah...I ain't apologizing for that. The WB was the Renaissance of teen TV (miss you Buffy).
Destin...I love you. You are a perfect combination of redneck water worship and snooty housewives swiping their souls away in outlet malls. Of crystal-clean white beaches with young blonds wearing skimpy bathing suits and alcoholic illiterate wharf rats gutting mackerel in the sun. This week we go down for the rodeo and I am extremely pumped. I probably should live in Florida. My three favorite things are fishing, not wearing shoes, and drinking beer. Of course I can technically do all of those things here but it's so much more awesome down there. OK I'm not getting on a rant about moving to Florida. Shit I've got the state of Georgia tattooed on my back! With an arrow, pointing up! And it leads to dry land!
Oh so they let Amanda Knox out today! Good for her...go America!! I was thinking earlier how funny it would be if her parents get her back here and they immediately go eat at Olive Garden. That would crack me up.
No I haven't gotten a job yet. There are too many activities coming up. I know that sounds shitty but it's really hard to start a new job and then immediately be like "I'm gonna need the next few weekends off." I will get something soon though. I have to. For Christ sake I'm watching Waterworld!
Man I don't have that many ideas this week...Fishing and beach-bumming it for the next few days so I should have some material here next week. Later peeps!
Getting back to my point, does Hollywood know when it makes a piece of shit movie. There has to be incredibly intelligent people out there writing these movies. Are they convinced what they've written is good or do they think the American people are stupid enough to think it's cool and thus produce a sizeable profit with the least amount of intellectual labor. Honestly I believe it's the latter. We cater to and worship awful morons in this country and I think Hollywood is going to continue to push turds onto the movie screen as long as assholes are keeping those Jersey Shore mongoloids high in the ratings. Retardary and obnoxiousness are valued in our culture and that is why everything sucks here now. I am certainly not against a private industry making profits and I believe deeply in free trade and capitalism but I am very convinced that the search for profits in Hollywood has destroyed an artform in America and that is a fucking shame. For God sakes did you guys see Green Lantern? We've become lab rats giving measured reactions to flashing lights and pretty colors. No spirits, no passion, no excitement and no good taste in anything. Of course can I really talk shit? I want to start a George Michael cover band and Roswell is one of my favorite shows of all time. Nah...I ain't apologizing for that. The WB was the Renaissance of teen TV (miss you Buffy).
Destin...I love you. You are a perfect combination of redneck water worship and snooty housewives swiping their souls away in outlet malls. Of crystal-clean white beaches with young blonds wearing skimpy bathing suits and alcoholic illiterate wharf rats gutting mackerel in the sun. This week we go down for the rodeo and I am extremely pumped. I probably should live in Florida. My three favorite things are fishing, not wearing shoes, and drinking beer. Of course I can technically do all of those things here but it's so much more awesome down there. OK I'm not getting on a rant about moving to Florida. Shit I've got the state of Georgia tattooed on my back! With an arrow, pointing up! And it leads to dry land!
Oh so they let Amanda Knox out today! Good for her...go America!! I was thinking earlier how funny it would be if her parents get her back here and they immediately go eat at Olive Garden. That would crack me up.
No I haven't gotten a job yet. There are too many activities coming up. I know that sounds shitty but it's really hard to start a new job and then immediately be like "I'm gonna need the next few weekends off." I will get something soon though. I have to. For Christ sake I'm watching Waterworld!
Man I don't have that many ideas this week...Fishing and beach-bumming it for the next few days so I should have some material here next week. Later peeps!
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Braves are blowing it, Dawgs are sucking it, and I'm still karate chopping the sheetrock.
Oh boy where to begin...oh I know! Jew weddings are fucking SWEET!!! Holy crap so we went to this wedding last week and a certain young schlemiel I know from when I was slinging rock and working hoes down by Oak Lane decided to marry a lovely young lady that has one connection or another to North Carolina and we went deep into meth country to watch these two darling people get married in front of the back 9. It was a lovely ceremony and it involved breaking stuff. So anyway we leave the ceremony and I'm wanting to get to the bar ASAP because I was missing the Bulldawgs completely shit the bed and let a team called the Cocks, the freaking COCKS, have their miserable way with us!! The reception was extremely fun however and after watching the game on my phone which was mind-blowing technology to me (I accidentally managed to scream Touchdown! in the middle of the daddy/daughter dance) they placed the couple on chairs and bounced them around all over the dance floor. And THEEEEENNNNNN a bunch of people grabbed hands and started running in circles like freaking lunatics and everyone was rocking out and impressively drunk and it was quite the enjoyable show. Thanks to the Grizzly Bert and the Deermonster for saying funny stuff the whole time and not giving me crappola about cheating on the whole no smoking thing. That waitress at Cracker Barrel was starting to get a little too comfortable by the time we were leaving.
Sooooooo...well from there it was mostly time to hang out and do stuff; two things I am very surprised were not offered as majors at Georgia and I am greatly offended by that. Oh ya my prodigy from another progeny Collin "Right" Herr came to visit for like 7 hours and we got to watch the Braves win I believe. Did they win? I can't quite remember, my memory is clouded from the 53 pounds of heroin-esque divinity that is Popeye's chicken. Boner city my boy...boner city. So ya I got to see the Braves again before they starting shitting all over themselves and doing everything they can to let the St. Louis Monkey Fisters take the freaking wildcard. Maybe if we let Derek Lowe take a bottle of Crown and a stripper out to the mound he'd quit giving up home runs. Just rent him a fur bus on the way home or something...can't have him screwing up the rotation with court dates all the time.
This week's word of wisdom: It is still possible to get a chilli cheese burrito from Taco Bell. There is one Taco Bell left on the planet that still serves this tasty dose of genius stoner food and it is located in the Lenox Mall Food Court. Go there. Eat it. Know life.
I also got to go camping on Saturday which was a hoot and a holler. Basically Trey "The Greencard" Slinkard and Jackie "The African Shenanigan" Bartleet and I went to the woods and got fucked up. Greencard made pork tenderloin on the rustiest cooking appliance I've ever been party to. Breaking through the haze of McCormick's and Mountain Dew I was slamming along with the tasty coffee drinks we all were enjoying was a very delicious forest dish that completely covered up the taste of deteriorating steel that peppered the grilled vegetables. I was very pleased and I always have fun with my number one favorite couple in the greater Chamblee area. They stick with what works and I respect that. Also congrats on the engagement you guys! I've always wanted to be proposed to on stage with Creed right when they break into the bridge of "Higher" and I'd rip off my t-shirt, grab the mic from what's his name, and scream "Ahhhhh Yaaaaaaa" right when all the pyrotechnics and sparks exploded and it would be the most epic and badass slaughterfuck of a proposal any man has every received from the red-headed chick from True Blood. However...doing it atop the Arc de Triomphe in Paris is pretty freaking cool too. Good job guys.
Well Screw Baloo what the fuck else is going on. So I've been reading some history lately and I've come to a conclusion about my heritage and that of the entire human race. Every development by man since the dawn of civilization has been based on murder and corruption and rape and evil and greed and everything else that is scary in the world. America, The Catholic Church, the NCAA, Cabbage Patch Kids, Dental Dams (which by the way are 6 bucks a piece!) are all built on and exist because someone in history raped somebody. It's freaking horrid and weird when you think about it. Every good thing that has ever happened was possible because someone got screwed over or murdered at some point in history. Hell we could start simple...think about mushrooms. Not trip-balls mushrooms I'm talking about the tasty happy mushrooms I get in my calzone every other Thursday. Have you ever thought about how many people in history had to die to figure out that that was a tasty and safe thing to eat? I mean I would probably be OK if I had never had a mushroom in my life...did all those thousands of people have to die just so I could have one more topping on my salad along with the bacon and three pounds of ranch dressing cheese mixture? I wonder if 2000 years ago Caesar Nero had dozens of Christians lined up in a row in his palace (it was a sick casino) and force-fed them whatever random shit he found or had gathered off the ground and if they died or starting shitting all over the place he made a note not to eat that and then he raped and tortured them and thus civilization and the culinary arts were born! Again a facet of our society based on evil and torture. Anyway its unsettling.
Hehehe Ryan just told me about this thing called Smokoing someone. It's a lot like that Icing retardery only you have to chug both a Smirnoff Ice and a Four Loco and you have to do this with neither your head or rectum exploding. When you do it to someone you can scream "oh damn bitch you just got SMOKO'd!!!! I'm gonna go beat the shit outta your dad you vaginal bitchnose!!!! HAHAHAHA!!!" and then you're automatically awesome for the next 24 hours.
Well whereto next you ask? Well the Damnable Danny Jackson himself is taking a second swing at the institution of marriage so I get one more weekend of free drinks and singing "Shout" obnoxiously with the band and tomorrow I have an information session at GSU for this program that sounds enticing and time-consuming. Tonight I have to pack a bunch of random books and stuff in my backpack so I don't look like a weirdo walking around campus. God bless chili dogs! Peace!
Sooooooo...well from there it was mostly time to hang out and do stuff; two things I am very surprised were not offered as majors at Georgia and I am greatly offended by that. Oh ya my prodigy from another progeny Collin "Right" Herr came to visit for like 7 hours and we got to watch the Braves win I believe. Did they win? I can't quite remember, my memory is clouded from the 53 pounds of heroin-esque divinity that is Popeye's chicken. Boner city my boy...boner city. So ya I got to see the Braves again before they starting shitting all over themselves and doing everything they can to let the St. Louis Monkey Fisters take the freaking wildcard. Maybe if we let Derek Lowe take a bottle of Crown and a stripper out to the mound he'd quit giving up home runs. Just rent him a fur bus on the way home or something...can't have him screwing up the rotation with court dates all the time.
This week's word of wisdom: It is still possible to get a chilli cheese burrito from Taco Bell. There is one Taco Bell left on the planet that still serves this tasty dose of genius stoner food and it is located in the Lenox Mall Food Court. Go there. Eat it. Know life.
I also got to go camping on Saturday which was a hoot and a holler. Basically Trey "The Greencard" Slinkard and Jackie "The African Shenanigan" Bartleet and I went to the woods and got fucked up. Greencard made pork tenderloin on the rustiest cooking appliance I've ever been party to. Breaking through the haze of McCormick's and Mountain Dew I was slamming along with the tasty coffee drinks we all were enjoying was a very delicious forest dish that completely covered up the taste of deteriorating steel that peppered the grilled vegetables. I was very pleased and I always have fun with my number one favorite couple in the greater Chamblee area. They stick with what works and I respect that. Also congrats on the engagement you guys! I've always wanted to be proposed to on stage with Creed right when they break into the bridge of "Higher" and I'd rip off my t-shirt, grab the mic from what's his name, and scream "Ahhhhh Yaaaaaaa" right when all the pyrotechnics and sparks exploded and it would be the most epic and badass slaughterfuck of a proposal any man has every received from the red-headed chick from True Blood. However...doing it atop the Arc de Triomphe in Paris is pretty freaking cool too. Good job guys.
Well Screw Baloo what the fuck else is going on. So I've been reading some history lately and I've come to a conclusion about my heritage and that of the entire human race. Every development by man since the dawn of civilization has been based on murder and corruption and rape and evil and greed and everything else that is scary in the world. America, The Catholic Church, the NCAA, Cabbage Patch Kids, Dental Dams (which by the way are 6 bucks a piece!) are all built on and exist because someone in history raped somebody. It's freaking horrid and weird when you think about it. Every good thing that has ever happened was possible because someone got screwed over or murdered at some point in history. Hell we could start simple...think about mushrooms. Not trip-balls mushrooms I'm talking about the tasty happy mushrooms I get in my calzone every other Thursday. Have you ever thought about how many people in history had to die to figure out that that was a tasty and safe thing to eat? I mean I would probably be OK if I had never had a mushroom in my life...did all those thousands of people have to die just so I could have one more topping on my salad along with the bacon and three pounds of ranch dressing cheese mixture? I wonder if 2000 years ago Caesar Nero had dozens of Christians lined up in a row in his palace (it was a sick casino) and force-fed them whatever random shit he found or had gathered off the ground and if they died or starting shitting all over the place he made a note not to eat that and then he raped and tortured them and thus civilization and the culinary arts were born! Again a facet of our society based on evil and torture. Anyway its unsettling.
Hehehe Ryan just told me about this thing called Smokoing someone. It's a lot like that Icing retardery only you have to chug both a Smirnoff Ice and a Four Loco and you have to do this with neither your head or rectum exploding. When you do it to someone you can scream "oh damn bitch you just got SMOKO'd!!!! I'm gonna go beat the shit outta your dad you vaginal bitchnose!!!! HAHAHAHA!!!" and then you're automatically awesome for the next 24 hours.
Well whereto next you ask? Well the Damnable Danny Jackson himself is taking a second swing at the institution of marriage so I get one more weekend of free drinks and singing "Shout" obnoxiously with the band and tomorrow I have an information session at GSU for this program that sounds enticing and time-consuming. Tonight I have to pack a bunch of random books and stuff in my backpack so I don't look like a weirdo walking around campus. God bless chili dogs! Peace!
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Well that was weird...
OK I'm going to go ahead and apologize for that last post. Sometimes things seem brilliant at the time and then you read them later after the Ether has worn off and you realize it was just manically insane ranting that means nothing. Although I am very excited about String Cheese in November and I am usually a fan of cool random listings of stuff like at the beginning of Trainspotting that shit was just silly. It made me laugh but ya that was ridiculous. Although this blog is meant to be a little weird at times and frankly I like to exploit the idea that I can put absolutely anything I want on here so nevermind...apology retracted. That shit's just going to happen on here from time to time.
So the Dawgs suck donkey balls as expected and I'm pretty sure I'm going to be running into Richt up at the labor department in the very near future. And Bobo will likely be buffing hoods at 2-minute Car Wash while he listens to the Dawgs in the Roto-Rooter Shit Bowl come December. Come on guys let's get it together and keep some of you guys around! Oh well we have South Carolina this weekend and let's be frank I know they have a great recruiting class and everyone still has a boner for that Mexican quarterback of theirs but every few years South Carolina pops up on the radar and beats Georgia and then they totally shit the bed come mid-season. Granted the East is shit but get the fuck out of here....it's South Carolina. If we lose we lose but there's no reason for us to lose. Anyway that's my 2 cents. Go Dawgs!!
How come nobody ever covers songs by The Presidents of the United States of America? Lump was freaking awesome and nobody ever thinks of playing that or Peaches or anything else. The next band I join I'm going to try and get those songs covered as well as some Dinosaur Jr.
So jobsearch...blechhhh. I hated this shit last time and I'm dreading it this time. I mean it's not an emergency and I am using this time for self-improvement unlike last time: I joined the gym, I'm getting ready for this GRE business, I'm playing a lot of darts. It's healthy but I am still bored and I'm getting itchy feet. I feel like I need to get a job or I'm going to take off again. I would like to see Utah and maybe Colorado again. "NO Richard Stop It! You are not disappearing again!" "But I want to!!! It was fun last time." "I said NO!! Now stop whining and go back to work!" So ya I'm applying for some jobs and generally keeping myself occupied well-enough. I got some really good darts and with the gym and activities coming up the boredom isn't overpowering but I still want a job to float me until I have a graduate degree. I'll get something I'm sure.
By the way...how many frigging facelifts has Princess Leia had? Holy shit I just saw her on a Jenny Craig commercial and she looks like the cryptkeeper wrapped in flesh-colored Saran wrap. Oh boy that was depressing. I think I need some hot wings to rescue my soul...Later bitches!!!
So the Dawgs suck donkey balls as expected and I'm pretty sure I'm going to be running into Richt up at the labor department in the very near future. And Bobo will likely be buffing hoods at 2-minute Car Wash while he listens to the Dawgs in the Roto-Rooter Shit Bowl come December. Come on guys let's get it together and keep some of you guys around! Oh well we have South Carolina this weekend and let's be frank I know they have a great recruiting class and everyone still has a boner for that Mexican quarterback of theirs but every few years South Carolina pops up on the radar and beats Georgia and then they totally shit the bed come mid-season. Granted the East is shit but get the fuck out of here....it's South Carolina. If we lose we lose but there's no reason for us to lose. Anyway that's my 2 cents. Go Dawgs!!
How come nobody ever covers songs by The Presidents of the United States of America? Lump was freaking awesome and nobody ever thinks of playing that or Peaches or anything else. The next band I join I'm going to try and get those songs covered as well as some Dinosaur Jr.
So jobsearch...blechhhh. I hated this shit last time and I'm dreading it this time. I mean it's not an emergency and I am using this time for self-improvement unlike last time: I joined the gym, I'm getting ready for this GRE business, I'm playing a lot of darts. It's healthy but I am still bored and I'm getting itchy feet. I feel like I need to get a job or I'm going to take off again. I would like to see Utah and maybe Colorado again. "NO Richard Stop It! You are not disappearing again!" "But I want to!!! It was fun last time." "I said NO!! Now stop whining and go back to work!" So ya I'm applying for some jobs and generally keeping myself occupied well-enough. I got some really good darts and with the gym and activities coming up the boredom isn't overpowering but I still want a job to float me until I have a graduate degree. I'll get something I'm sure.
By the way...how many frigging facelifts has Princess Leia had? Holy shit I just saw her on a Jenny Craig commercial and she looks like the cryptkeeper wrapped in flesh-colored Saran wrap. Oh boy that was depressing. I think I need some hot wings to rescue my soul...Later bitches!!!
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
From the deepest canyons...
And this guy's seeing String Cheese in November!!! That's right bitches! Holy crap so many activities coming up in the near future when am I supposed to get some lame-ass job and do gay stuff? Haha just kidding guys! In any case I've totally been douchey with this blog and I promise I'll keep up with stuff.
Okie dokie so gyms are totally awful shitbag curses that feed on baby souls in hell with Satan. Haha I'm just kidding I love going to the gym especially on Gay Day!! Whatever I'm getting in shape and trying to keep everyone off my ass. And I probably should start playing in a new band. And selling tacos. And doing Yoga. Deadmau5, Pretty Lights, Bassnectar, The String Cheese Incident, The Bulldawgs, nice ladies, grilled hotdogs, bags of powdered hallucinogens, flat brims, florescents, boobs, Daddy issues, incoming Fall with temperatures above 90, forgotten dreams, achieved hopes, and delicious delicious victory for all involved.
Haha just kidding I'm just gonna keep kidding you guys forever haha just kidding that would never happen in any real sort of haha just kidding holy fucking shit I've gotta stop saying I'm just kidding haha just kidding that was the other Richard he doesn't know what he's talking about I'm in control now so now we're gonna run this blog for the rest of time hahahahaha...
Haha for real this time I am kidding Richard has taken back over of this undeletable blog that he really enjoys reading. So ya as is usually the case with regard to the exiting Summer, football season approaches and gives people legitimate excuses to stay inside on beautiful Spring-like days. I'm comfortable with that and you fucking should be too. Either balls Georgia plays Boise Twatstate on Saturday and I can not freaking wait to drink heavily and speak jibberish to midwestern children. Haha just kidding I'll totally be respectful!!
Okie dokie so gyms are totally awful shitbag curses that feed on baby souls in hell with Satan. Haha I'm just kidding I love going to the gym especially on Gay Day!! Whatever I'm getting in shape and trying to keep everyone off my ass. And I probably should start playing in a new band. And selling tacos. And doing Yoga. Deadmau5, Pretty Lights, Bassnectar, The String Cheese Incident, The Bulldawgs, nice ladies, grilled hotdogs, bags of powdered hallucinogens, flat brims, florescents, boobs, Daddy issues, incoming Fall with temperatures above 90, forgotten dreams, achieved hopes, and delicious delicious victory for all involved.
Haha just kidding I'm just gonna keep kidding you guys forever haha just kidding that would never happen in any real sort of haha just kidding holy fucking shit I've gotta stop saying I'm just kidding haha just kidding that was the other Richard he doesn't know what he's talking about I'm in control now so now we're gonna run this blog for the rest of time hahahahaha...
Haha for real this time I am kidding Richard has taken back over of this undeletable blog that he really enjoys reading. So ya as is usually the case with regard to the exiting Summer, football season approaches and gives people legitimate excuses to stay inside on beautiful Spring-like days. I'm comfortable with that and you fucking should be too. Either balls Georgia plays Boise Twatstate on Saturday and I can not freaking wait to drink heavily and speak jibberish to midwestern children. Haha just kidding I'll totally be respectful!!
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Back in the high life again...
So I have a big announcement for everyone! I have changed my name...I am now Richard Productivity Edge because productivity is my middle name! Things are being produced at an alarming rate and my time has largely been filled with me just gazing at my beautiful and productive physique in the mirror and pondering the utter productive nature of my glorious being.
So the trip ended and what did I do? I drove some more!! Actually it was lobster season in the Keys as I mentioned before and I spent the days huffing and wheezing over lobster holes diving down into the salty blue abyss and returning to the sky bearing armfuls of tasty gourmet crustaceans. Unfortunately this was during a time when I should have been unpacking the apartment so I returned to Atlanta totally refreshed and relaxed with my living space looking like some sort of super cool packaging and boxing bomb went off. Oh and on Saturday we went dolphin fishing and totally kicked ass so now I have thousands of pounds of fresh Flipper flesh that goes great with potatoes. (Editor's note: stop being gay it isn't the mammal it's the fish) Anyway the Keys were badass and I'm really glad I got to go but these 12 hour road trips are going to have to stop for a little while. Also went on a nice little side trip to West Palm to visit Captain Pat Mcmonster...oh that freaking guy never disappoints.
So now I'm back in Atlanta doing stuff. Ya know just hanging. I joined a gym which in the past has almost always been the equivalent of using paper money to smear dog shit on the kitchen table but I'm very confident this time I will go more than 4 times and abort this baby that has been growing in my gut. Other than that it's been unpacking and watching TrueBlood and getting back in the swing of whathaveyou that embodies my life. Next mission is going to be find a job and start studying for the GRE/GMAT. As long as I can stay off the couch that shouldn't be too much of a problem although our apartment does look like an opium den what with all the pillows and couches and drug paraphernalia. Braves, beer, and Bartletts tonight. Peace and I promise to keep this blog going more regularly in the future.
So the trip ended and what did I do? I drove some more!! Actually it was lobster season in the Keys as I mentioned before and I spent the days huffing and wheezing over lobster holes diving down into the salty blue abyss and returning to the sky bearing armfuls of tasty gourmet crustaceans. Unfortunately this was during a time when I should have been unpacking the apartment so I returned to Atlanta totally refreshed and relaxed with my living space looking like some sort of super cool packaging and boxing bomb went off. Oh and on Saturday we went dolphin fishing and totally kicked ass so now I have thousands of pounds of fresh Flipper flesh that goes great with potatoes. (Editor's note: stop being gay it isn't the mammal it's the fish) Anyway the Keys were badass and I'm really glad I got to go but these 12 hour road trips are going to have to stop for a little while. Also went on a nice little side trip to West Palm to visit Captain Pat Mcmonster...oh that freaking guy never disappoints.
So now I'm back in Atlanta doing stuff. Ya know just hanging. I joined a gym which in the past has almost always been the equivalent of using paper money to smear dog shit on the kitchen table but I'm very confident this time I will go more than 4 times and abort this baby that has been growing in my gut. Other than that it's been unpacking and watching TrueBlood and getting back in the swing of whathaveyou that embodies my life. Next mission is going to be find a job and start studying for the GRE/GMAT. As long as I can stay off the couch that shouldn't be too much of a problem although our apartment does look like an opium den what with all the pillows and couches and drug paraphernalia. Braves, beer, and Bartletts tonight. Peace and I promise to keep this blog going more regularly in the future.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
I Survived!!!!
OK so I made it home safe after over 1900 miles of driving in two days because I am the man. By the way...Nebraska sucks BALLS! It is flat, boring, smelly, and everyone is really fat. Other than that it was a nice drive and I walked into my apartment at 11:33 at night utterly exhausted from driving for almost 15 hours. My God what a trip. I feel like I cut it short a bit but I came home as soon as I was over it. Top picks for cities were definitely San Diego and Austin however San Francisco would have been better without all the hills. Galcier was a staggering highlight as well as Big Bend. I will definitely be doubling back to Utah as soon as possible and I need to see Yosemite but all in all I think I covered most of my bases. I think I want to go to Australia next after I spend a few months as a male prostitute and save up...assuming I can keep my crack habit under control which is obviously always the biggest question mark in anyone's existence.
Traveling like that really is quite awesome...you meet so many different people and you learn so much about people's lives and cultures and other places. I am very glad I did it and I want to do it again some day for sure. Maybe flying next time however although I am definitely no longer afraid of driving.
So what now? Shit I don't know but I think I'm going to go back to school. I definitely want to reinvent my life and existence and I need some schooling in order to do that. Bees are pretty cool...I wonder what kind of degree you need to be a beekeeper. Bees.Bees.Bees. Big money in bees. Maybe I'll sell all of my possessions and put it into bees. BUZZZZZZZ.
OK that was weird I don't know where I was giong with that. Well I'm going to keep posting stuff on here and trying to keep it funny...I'll probably go back to the really weird observations I used to have all the time since my normal life isn't nearly as interesting as me tooling around America doing silly shit and drinking with Australians. Peace!
Traveling like that really is quite awesome...you meet so many different people and you learn so much about people's lives and cultures and other places. I am very glad I did it and I want to do it again some day for sure. Maybe flying next time however although I am definitely no longer afraid of driving.
So what now? Shit I don't know but I think I'm going to go back to school. I definitely want to reinvent my life and existence and I need some schooling in order to do that. Bees are pretty cool...I wonder what kind of degree you need to be a beekeeper. Bees.Bees.Bees. Big money in bees. Maybe I'll sell all of my possessions and put it into bees. BUZZZZZZZ.
OK that was weird I don't know where I was giong with that. Well I'm going to keep posting stuff on here and trying to keep it funny...I'll probably go back to the really weird observations I used to have all the time since my normal life isn't nearly as interesting as me tooling around America doing silly shit and drinking with Australians. Peace!
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
This is how Lewis and Clark did their blog...
Why in the hell is it that when you cry your nose starts running and you wind up blowing snot rockets all over creation while having a meaningful moment looking at the Atlas and thinking about being...Jesus Christ that was the biggest goddamn mosquito I've ever killed in my life!!! Holy ballsacks on Mars I should mount that sonofabitch!! OK I'll clear things up this is being written on a pad in Grand Teton National Park next to my tent. The fat lady is singing her ass off and I just figured up the amount of miles I must traverse to be back in the Grove at Lenox Park:1847 miles. Shitdamn...I piss 1847 miles with a hangover and hemorrhoids on a Tuesday in my sleep! I ain't no pussy. ( Editor's note: I neither have hemorrhoids nor do I intend on being hungover on Tuesday but many elements have been added for dramatic effect.)
Grand Teton is the coux de gras (Sp.? Fuck the French) of my adventure and for the first time I saw them today and my God they are far more amazing than the best screensaver I've ever seen in my life. Just a few towering, majestic behemoths backlit by the sun over a massive blue lake that has to be slightly less polluted than the Chattahoochie. Tomorrow I'm going to take them on and get a good couple of hikes in before streaking across North America in a steady burn back to God's other country. I finally have found that I miss my family, my friends, and my glorious boner-inspiring pillow-top bed. When it came down to it...it was the scabies. Damn things are a bitch! I'm just kidding I haven't had anything like that but I am ready to be home after satisfying my Earth-lust out here in Wyoming. It was definitely a shitshow getting down here from Whitefish and I actually did get to see a good bit of Yellowstone in that you have to go right through the middle for 2 hours to get to GT. And honestly...meh. I mean it was cool what with all the geysers and steam and assorted other warnings of the coming apocalypse. I found it to be mostly trees and really slow-driving old fucks that have NO sensitivity toward a kid trying to haul ass to Teton before all the campsites fill up.
In any case this does mean I am nearing the end of my trip but definitely not the end of this blog for damn sure. Actually I'll probably have plenty to bitch about when I return what with the moving and getting shit caught up. Oh and guess what? The wild and wonderful Dorchaks are headed down to the Keys on the 6th and guess who they want to come? And guess who's moving on the 6th? And guess who's driving almost to Key West after moving for 2 days? Actually please excuse any negativity you might have picked during that sequence in that I absolutely ADORE every single person on this planet with the Dorchak name and if they're going snorkeling for lobster come shitrain or fucktards I'm going to be there. Like I'm sweating driving...dude I'm the drive fucking mater!!I really can't wait to be home though...I love you all and will see you very soon.
Grand Teton is the coux de gras (Sp.? Fuck the French) of my adventure and for the first time I saw them today and my God they are far more amazing than the best screensaver I've ever seen in my life. Just a few towering, majestic behemoths backlit by the sun over a massive blue lake that has to be slightly less polluted than the Chattahoochie. Tomorrow I'm going to take them on and get a good couple of hikes in before streaking across North America in a steady burn back to God's other country. I finally have found that I miss my family, my friends, and my glorious boner-inspiring pillow-top bed. When it came down to it...it was the scabies. Damn things are a bitch! I'm just kidding I haven't had anything like that but I am ready to be home after satisfying my Earth-lust out here in Wyoming. It was definitely a shitshow getting down here from Whitefish and I actually did get to see a good bit of Yellowstone in that you have to go right through the middle for 2 hours to get to GT. And honestly...meh. I mean it was cool what with all the geysers and steam and assorted other warnings of the coming apocalypse. I found it to be mostly trees and really slow-driving old fucks that have NO sensitivity toward a kid trying to haul ass to Teton before all the campsites fill up.
In any case this does mean I am nearing the end of my trip but definitely not the end of this blog for damn sure. Actually I'll probably have plenty to bitch about when I return what with the moving and getting shit caught up. Oh and guess what? The wild and wonderful Dorchaks are headed down to the Keys on the 6th and guess who they want to come? And guess who's moving on the 6th? And guess who's driving almost to Key West after moving for 2 days? Actually please excuse any negativity you might have picked during that sequence in that I absolutely ADORE every single person on this planet with the Dorchak name and if they're going snorkeling for lobster come shitrain or fucktards I'm going to be there. Like I'm sweating driving...dude I'm the drive fucking mater!!I really can't wait to be home though...I love you all and will see you very soon.
Holy Shit I'm Behind...
(Written on a pad of paper a few days ago)
So I left Seattle after some strange adventures. That Kiwi I mentioned actually turned out to be an Australian and we wound up hanging out for a couple days and I actually stayed in Seattle an extra day to check out the EMP (experience Music Project) which had this massive exhibit about Nirvana and Jimi Hendrix and all these rooms where you could play instruments and it was definitely another one of my nerdgasms...total blast and was interesting as shit. So Steve the Aussie and I go rage that shit and then say fuck it and take a ferry ride over to Bainbridge island which I knew nothing about. It turns out they have a shitload of really good wine over there and my mission to obtain Pinot Grigio for Dad was finally a success! Well...mostly. So I buy a bunch of wine on the island and we say "shit we better go catch the ferry" and run down and miss it by like a minute. At that point we had 45 minutes to kill and once again, as I have so many times on this trip, said "fuck it" and I pushed the cork in to one of Dad's bottles and we commenced to sit on the curb in the parking lot and got wino shitfaced like hobos...it was definitely one of the classier experiences so far. Anyway Steve was cool as hell and was also doing an extended tour of Geography only his is literally around the world. Now that shit's intense yet a very favorable challenge.
So I pressed onward and my next stop was to be Glacier National Park. I did not have a place to stay there but figured I'd figure something out. Instead I hollered at the awesome and glorious Elizabeth Sutton because I thought she knew people up there. She responds and gives me her friend Holly's number who I call and introduce myself. She tells me they're out of town but gives me the address and says for me to just go on in and make myself at home...the door's open. Hahaha wow really? Well hell so I plugged their address in my GPS, ride on up, go inside and crash in these people's house like I lived there! They are definitely the nicest and most laid back people on the planet. And then the neighbors saw me and I explained the situation and they invited me for dinner! There are some very nice people in Montana. Glacier was freaking GORGEOUS by the way. I know ya'll are getting sick of hearing that but Glacier was definitely the most mind-blowing thing I've seen. And there was still 3 feet of snow on the ground!! Craziness but I got some amazing pictures and had a wonderful day up there. I then returned to Whitefish where Holly and Andy had returned and they took me to another neighbor's house and i wound up drinking beer with the great-grandson of Casey Jones...the coked up train guy from the Grateful Dead song!! Celebrity number 2...check. Helluva time up there and my eternal gratitude to Holly and Andy. If they ever find themselves in Atlanta and would like to sleep in my living room they are definitely set with beers on me.
So I left Seattle after some strange adventures. That Kiwi I mentioned actually turned out to be an Australian and we wound up hanging out for a couple days and I actually stayed in Seattle an extra day to check out the EMP (experience Music Project) which had this massive exhibit about Nirvana and Jimi Hendrix and all these rooms where you could play instruments and it was definitely another one of my nerdgasms...total blast and was interesting as shit. So Steve the Aussie and I go rage that shit and then say fuck it and take a ferry ride over to Bainbridge island which I knew nothing about. It turns out they have a shitload of really good wine over there and my mission to obtain Pinot Grigio for Dad was finally a success! Well...mostly. So I buy a bunch of wine on the island and we say "shit we better go catch the ferry" and run down and miss it by like a minute. At that point we had 45 minutes to kill and once again, as I have so many times on this trip, said "fuck it" and I pushed the cork in to one of Dad's bottles and we commenced to sit on the curb in the parking lot and got wino shitfaced like hobos...it was definitely one of the classier experiences so far. Anyway Steve was cool as hell and was also doing an extended tour of Geography only his is literally around the world. Now that shit's intense yet a very favorable challenge.
So I pressed onward and my next stop was to be Glacier National Park. I did not have a place to stay there but figured I'd figure something out. Instead I hollered at the awesome and glorious Elizabeth Sutton because I thought she knew people up there. She responds and gives me her friend Holly's number who I call and introduce myself. She tells me they're out of town but gives me the address and says for me to just go on in and make myself at home...the door's open. Hahaha wow really? Well hell so I plugged their address in my GPS, ride on up, go inside and crash in these people's house like I lived there! They are definitely the nicest and most laid back people on the planet. And then the neighbors saw me and I explained the situation and they invited me for dinner! There are some very nice people in Montana. Glacier was freaking GORGEOUS by the way. I know ya'll are getting sick of hearing that but Glacier was definitely the most mind-blowing thing I've seen. And there was still 3 feet of snow on the ground!! Craziness but I got some amazing pictures and had a wonderful day up there. I then returned to Whitefish where Holly and Andy had returned and they took me to another neighbor's house and i wound up drinking beer with the great-grandson of Casey Jones...the coked up train guy from the Grateful Dead song!! Celebrity number 2...check. Helluva time up there and my eternal gratitude to Holly and Andy. If they ever find themselves in Atlanta and would like to sleep in my living room they are definitely set with beers on me.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Endor is gorgeous this time of year...
Alright guys I'm in Seattle and let's get the heroin flowing!!! I got some angst to release and ain't nobody keeping me off the needle!!! OK I'm just kidding I'm not going to do heroin but I definitely want to go see some heroin-fueled rock bands. I came as I am but my pillow ain't made of concrete.
So...Portland. Absolutely beautiful city with a lot of homeless people and really good beer...connection perhaps? Before getting there I had one of the longer burns of this trip going 10 hours through Redwood forests and gorgeous coastline out of Ft. Bragg, California. Don't ask me where it is but I slept there. So anyway I survived that awesome drive and landed at the hostel in Portland and was immediately directed to the Rogue brewery which I didn't even know was in Portland. Really cool place and I got to sample a bunch of their different beers as well as their fine line of homemade liquors which I wasn't aware of. Even got a bottle of whiskey to take home. Souvenirs are fun!
So I only got to put in a day in Portland because I'm running low on time and I shot on up to Seattle. And everything I've ever heard about Seattle is bullshit...the weather is wonderful here! Right now it's sunny and about 71 degrees and awesome. Even the beggars are in good spirits! Speaking of that...this easily the most homeless city I've been to so far. I'm getting hit up for change constently but it ain't so bad.
So last night I was craving some music and I went down to the Funhouse which is actually next door to the Space Needle and is a fantastic music venue. The band I saw was decent but they did prove my theory that a band's quality automatically jumps 2 points on a ten-point scale if they can employ a hot chick bassist. They were good but between the brownie and God-awful douche of a second act playing a mandolin and screaming gibberish, I went on home by 11:30 and was accosted several times by crackheads who I thought were going to rape me on the street and take my shoes. Fortunately that did not happen and I was able to survive for my glorious walking tour of downtown Seattle this morning. I also rode to the top of the Space Needle this afternoon so I've had a productively touristy day of fun. I'll likely go find a happy hour and some dinner here shortly and perhaps another show tonight if one is nearby. We'll see.
In any case this is sort of the halfway point of my trip although I will be home in less than 2 weeks. This trip has been every bit as refreshing and epic as I planned it to be and I am confident it will have changed me at least somewhat when I get back. I feel far more confident in myself and my ability to survive in the world. This country is massively grand and awe-inspiring and my only regret is that I hadn't done this sooner. After Seattle I think I may make a run for Glacier National Park and from there work my way down to Grand Teton. From there a couple of healthy burns downward should get me home to my bed.
Well a friendly New Zealander I met at the Space Needle earlier just stopped by the room to see if I wanted to go for drinks and I think I might oblige! I'll resist the temptation to ask how Frodo and Sam are doing with the ring situation. I love you guys and can't wait to see everyone again soon!
So...Portland. Absolutely beautiful city with a lot of homeless people and really good beer...connection perhaps? Before getting there I had one of the longer burns of this trip going 10 hours through Redwood forests and gorgeous coastline out of Ft. Bragg, California. Don't ask me where it is but I slept there. So anyway I survived that awesome drive and landed at the hostel in Portland and was immediately directed to the Rogue brewery which I didn't even know was in Portland. Really cool place and I got to sample a bunch of their different beers as well as their fine line of homemade liquors which I wasn't aware of. Even got a bottle of whiskey to take home. Souvenirs are fun!
So I only got to put in a day in Portland because I'm running low on time and I shot on up to Seattle. And everything I've ever heard about Seattle is bullshit...the weather is wonderful here! Right now it's sunny and about 71 degrees and awesome. Even the beggars are in good spirits! Speaking of that...this easily the most homeless city I've been to so far. I'm getting hit up for change constently but it ain't so bad.
So last night I was craving some music and I went down to the Funhouse which is actually next door to the Space Needle and is a fantastic music venue. The band I saw was decent but they did prove my theory that a band's quality automatically jumps 2 points on a ten-point scale if they can employ a hot chick bassist. They were good but between the brownie and God-awful douche of a second act playing a mandolin and screaming gibberish, I went on home by 11:30 and was accosted several times by crackheads who I thought were going to rape me on the street and take my shoes. Fortunately that did not happen and I was able to survive for my glorious walking tour of downtown Seattle this morning. I also rode to the top of the Space Needle this afternoon so I've had a productively touristy day of fun. I'll likely go find a happy hour and some dinner here shortly and perhaps another show tonight if one is nearby. We'll see.
In any case this is sort of the halfway point of my trip although I will be home in less than 2 weeks. This trip has been every bit as refreshing and epic as I planned it to be and I am confident it will have changed me at least somewhat when I get back. I feel far more confident in myself and my ability to survive in the world. This country is massively grand and awe-inspiring and my only regret is that I hadn't done this sooner. After Seattle I think I may make a run for Glacier National Park and from there work my way down to Grand Teton. From there a couple of healthy burns downward should get me home to my bed.
Well a friendly New Zealander I met at the Space Needle earlier just stopped by the room to see if I wanted to go for drinks and I think I might oblige! I'll resist the temptation to ask how Frodo and Sam are doing with the ring situation. I love you guys and can't wait to see everyone again soon!
Friday, July 15, 2011
Damn this toilet is starting to smell like the Sixties!
OK these hills are officially starting to own my ass. You're just strolling along enjoying the day and you say "hey I wonder what's around this corner" and then you turn and you're staring at the base of K fucking 2 but then you realize the bus stop is up there and you have to do it and then you start sweating and then the water starts getting cold on you're back and you remember what Bear Grylls said about hypothermia but you climb anyway and it's funny watching people in suits and stuff trying to negotiate super steep mountains in the middle of North Beach with little messenger bags. Oh ya North Beach is cool as hell...pizza and gelato everywhere. I think that's why I'm huffing and puffing up and down these hills...I'm eating awesome food every fifteen minutes.
By the way Haight-Ashbury was exactly what I expected it to be. There are a shitload of head shops, a shitload of drug addicts and homeless people, and every once in a while a cute little family from Minnesota satisfying the exact same impulse that took them to the San Diego Zoo. It was cool and I'm glad I got to see it but hippies, as they have since the beginning of time, still suck. Although I'm only a couple steps above a hippie so I can't talk too much shit. Golden Gate park by the way is freaking HUGE!! It's 3 miles long!! It definitely got me to thinking...Atlanta needs to step up its park situation soon. Piedmont is a baby to that monstrosity and in San Fran there are parks every other block and I'm a bit of a park guy so I wish there were more back home. I mean come on...where are the homeless people supposed to sleep and buy crank? In the street like a common dreg? That shit just ain't fair. I think I read somewhere that Atlanta has the least amount of park space of all the major cities and that sucks. Although Piedmont is a great place to have an anonymous sexual encounter for sure it just doesn't measure up to the plethora of hiding places and little nooks in Golden Gate that afford free love to flow all over the Bay Area. And be careful where you step because that free love will definitely stick to your shoe.
So Collin's got this friend Renard that is apparently very excited to show people cool stuff to eat in town and I officially feel like Anthony Bourdain minus the money and fame and coolness. We went on a taco tour the other night down in the Mission and holy shit that was freaking AWESOME! They have phenomenal taquerias out here and we went to five different ones and had a taco at each. Chorrizo and prawns and cow tongue and everything else imaginable paired with the most delicious salsas you can imagine on homemade tortillas. Needless to say I shit like Nagasaki both that night and the morning after...details that Bourdain conveniently leaves out whenever he's circling the globe eating steaming and delicious bowls of dysentery. And then last night Renard gave the green light to the second assault on my digestive system by introducing me to his favorite Thai restaurant down the way. Oh red curry spare ribs you are like spicy heroin. Although I did try to mainline them and the needle got terribly clogged. Don't try that guys...just eat them like normal.
Well what next? I'm starting to miss the great outdoors once again but I have a ticket on the Alcatraz cruise on Saturday Sean Connery style so I think I'm staying until at least Sunday morning. Collin keeps bragging about the sushi out here...we'll see what their super crunch roll does to my perspective of the universe. They probably don't have one because unlike in the South here not everything edible must be fried in oil although that does make everything better. I suppose this is turning into the Eat part of my trip if you must compare my journey to certain Julia Roberts women's empowerment movies about self-discovery. I ain't doing much praying these days but I always got a lotta love to give. Jesus that was lame. Okie dokie I gotta get my shit together and go see more stuff in this glorious town. Keep it real homies...I'll try to get one more post in before I enter the forest again because who knows when I'll have internet again. Peace!
By the way Haight-Ashbury was exactly what I expected it to be. There are a shitload of head shops, a shitload of drug addicts and homeless people, and every once in a while a cute little family from Minnesota satisfying the exact same impulse that took them to the San Diego Zoo. It was cool and I'm glad I got to see it but hippies, as they have since the beginning of time, still suck. Although I'm only a couple steps above a hippie so I can't talk too much shit. Golden Gate park by the way is freaking HUGE!! It's 3 miles long!! It definitely got me to thinking...Atlanta needs to step up its park situation soon. Piedmont is a baby to that monstrosity and in San Fran there are parks every other block and I'm a bit of a park guy so I wish there were more back home. I mean come on...where are the homeless people supposed to sleep and buy crank? In the street like a common dreg? That shit just ain't fair. I think I read somewhere that Atlanta has the least amount of park space of all the major cities and that sucks. Although Piedmont is a great place to have an anonymous sexual encounter for sure it just doesn't measure up to the plethora of hiding places and little nooks in Golden Gate that afford free love to flow all over the Bay Area. And be careful where you step because that free love will definitely stick to your shoe.
So Collin's got this friend Renard that is apparently very excited to show people cool stuff to eat in town and I officially feel like Anthony Bourdain minus the money and fame and coolness. We went on a taco tour the other night down in the Mission and holy shit that was freaking AWESOME! They have phenomenal taquerias out here and we went to five different ones and had a taco at each. Chorrizo and prawns and cow tongue and everything else imaginable paired with the most delicious salsas you can imagine on homemade tortillas. Needless to say I shit like Nagasaki both that night and the morning after...details that Bourdain conveniently leaves out whenever he's circling the globe eating steaming and delicious bowls of dysentery. And then last night Renard gave the green light to the second assault on my digestive system by introducing me to his favorite Thai restaurant down the way. Oh red curry spare ribs you are like spicy heroin. Although I did try to mainline them and the needle got terribly clogged. Don't try that guys...just eat them like normal.
Well what next? I'm starting to miss the great outdoors once again but I have a ticket on the Alcatraz cruise on Saturday Sean Connery style so I think I'm staying until at least Sunday morning. Collin keeps bragging about the sushi out here...we'll see what their super crunch roll does to my perspective of the universe. They probably don't have one because unlike in the South here not everything edible must be fried in oil although that does make everything better. I suppose this is turning into the Eat part of my trip if you must compare my journey to certain Julia Roberts women's empowerment movies about self-discovery. I ain't doing much praying these days but I always got a lotta love to give. Jesus that was lame. Okie dokie I gotta get my shit together and go see more stuff in this glorious town. Keep it real homies...I'll try to get one more post in before I enter the forest again because who knows when I'll have internet again. Peace!
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
I'm making these hills my bitch...
So San Francisco is an absolutely beautiful town but it is freaking cold here! How in the hell is it July and it feels like Georgia in November. Freaking weird weather...maybe that's why all the people are so weird. Of course the weather was lovely in Venice and those people were major freaks. Oh the strange people out here are the best tourist trap. In any case I got in last Friday and largely chilled for the first couple days because I wanted to hang with Collin and Stephanie while they were both available. We downed some serious celebratory tequila shots Friday and Saturday I did laundry(was running dangerously low on undies) and took care of some biznass and Sunday we had a cookout with the neighbors...healthy stuff for sure. Monday I decided to start in on the touristy stuff. Oh and the freaking boat to Alcatraz is booked up until next Tuesday!!! What the balls that sucked but maybe I can be a stowaway and ironically sneak onto the island...naaaa it ain't quite worth that but I may see if there's a cancellation or something. But ya wandered around Fisherman's Wharf and got some noodles in Chinatown and skipped through Ghirardelli Square and did acid in Golden Gate Park and yada yada yada it was a lovely day and I think I walked a marathon.
So my Tuesday was awesome!!! So this whole thing about the wineries is freaking great!! I was really intimidated by the idea at first but after a lot of procrastination I finally balled up and just went inside one and asked to try their stuff and I started slamming chardonnays. Fun fun day and oh by the way if you ever have a major urge to blow a shitload of money skip Vegas and go to Napa. Everything is delicious and you try the stuff and you immediately feel like you should at least get a bottle. I got a few bottles and even popped one to go with the steaks Collin and I had for dinner. All in all a healthy day but I spent too much damn money on wine and woke up with a headache this morning. Ain't the first time! In any case I really am enjoying San Francisco...this whole town is just incredibly attractive and clean and I've been eating well. I'm really hoping we can get out to Yosemite this weekend but Collin doesn't know if he can make it since he may have to work. Totally lame but we'll see what happens. Okie doke I'll post again soon hopefully when I have a few more interesting anecdotes and musings. Farewell and blah blah blah.:)
So my Tuesday was awesome!!! So this whole thing about the wineries is freaking great!! I was really intimidated by the idea at first but after a lot of procrastination I finally balled up and just went inside one and asked to try their stuff and I started slamming chardonnays. Fun fun day and oh by the way if you ever have a major urge to blow a shitload of money skip Vegas and go to Napa. Everything is delicious and you try the stuff and you immediately feel like you should at least get a bottle. I got a few bottles and even popped one to go with the steaks Collin and I had for dinner. All in all a healthy day but I spent too much damn money on wine and woke up with a headache this morning. Ain't the first time! In any case I really am enjoying San Francisco...this whole town is just incredibly attractive and clean and I've been eating well. I'm really hoping we can get out to Yosemite this weekend but Collin doesn't know if he can make it since he may have to work. Totally lame but we'll see what happens. Okie doke I'll post again soon hopefully when I have a few more interesting anecdotes and musings. Farewell and blah blah blah.:)
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Ain't no flowers in my hair but I'm here!
So I have come out of the woods and I am in San Francisco! Once again I'm a little behind due to asssorted retardaries and being lost in the wilderness Kerouac style so I'll try to get back up to speed.
So I had to get the F outta LA...the bullshit and the people and the partying was seriously starting to wear on me. I wound up spending the 4th with these Dutch chicks and after hanging with these Swiss dudes the Canadians wanted to meet up and I started to feel like the fucking U.N.!!! So I skipped Hollywood except for checking out the Getty Museum which was absolutely AMAZING!! They have 4 Monets, a bunch of Degas, and the most beautiful Van Gogh painting I've ever seen. Chilled there for a while and then shot up to Santa Barbara largely just to get a motel and clean up my car and myself and plan out some stuff. After that it was on to Big Sur. Stopped at the Hearst castle for a bit which was the most opulently obnoxious frigging place I've ever payed $25 to look around. The view was pretty breathtaking but the house is largely a massive monument to some eccentric trustfund baby assbag that had to come up with stuff to do with his money so he built this rediculous mansion on top of a mountain so everyone would be impressed by him. Honestly there was some cool art but fuck that guy...I'm glad Orson Welles made Citizen Kane and talked shit.
So I camped out for a night and headed on up the coast. Highway 1 is freaking INCREDIBLE...basically as you're driving every 5 minutes you're blown away by something else. Cliffs and mountains and rocks and God knows what else are just everywhere and you're driving along the Pacific ocean and it's just humbling to see some of the stuff that is on this Earth. It's hard to describe and paint a picture of the country out here. You really have to see it...or look at pictures I guess so GFGI you lazy fucks!! After a gorgeous morning drive I got to Big Sur proper (Big Sur basically comprises a bunch of state parks along the coast from San Simeon all the way up to Monterrey) and camped in Andrew Molera State Park. I had a healthy hike along the coast and up a mountain which provided the best view I've had of the world in a while and then camped out. I was thinking of staying another night but the cold combined with the $25-$35 a night camping fee pushed me Northward to Monterrey and Santa Cruz where I went on a busted excursion to find Big Basin Redwood Park and said F it and carried on to visit my bestest buddies in the whole wide California Collin and Stephanie. Ahhh...a shower and a mattress not surrounded by Europeans is quite the luxury at this point. Loving life as always my friends. And I think I almost have it figured out what I might do when I return to the real world so maybe I'll come back from this with the whole reason I did it. Okie doke well I think Collin and I are going to hit the beach shortly (I know...I didn't know there were beaches here either. I'm sure as shit not getting in the water) and try to not look like a gay couple. I should be able to post a little more frequently since they have internet and I ain't paying for it! Farewell and Godspeed brahs and brahdettes!
So I had to get the F outta LA...the bullshit and the people and the partying was seriously starting to wear on me. I wound up spending the 4th with these Dutch chicks and after hanging with these Swiss dudes the Canadians wanted to meet up and I started to feel like the fucking U.N.!!! So I skipped Hollywood except for checking out the Getty Museum which was absolutely AMAZING!! They have 4 Monets, a bunch of Degas, and the most beautiful Van Gogh painting I've ever seen. Chilled there for a while and then shot up to Santa Barbara largely just to get a motel and clean up my car and myself and plan out some stuff. After that it was on to Big Sur. Stopped at the Hearst castle for a bit which was the most opulently obnoxious frigging place I've ever payed $25 to look around. The view was pretty breathtaking but the house is largely a massive monument to some eccentric trustfund baby assbag that had to come up with stuff to do with his money so he built this rediculous mansion on top of a mountain so everyone would be impressed by him. Honestly there was some cool art but fuck that guy...I'm glad Orson Welles made Citizen Kane and talked shit.
So I camped out for a night and headed on up the coast. Highway 1 is freaking INCREDIBLE...basically as you're driving every 5 minutes you're blown away by something else. Cliffs and mountains and rocks and God knows what else are just everywhere and you're driving along the Pacific ocean and it's just humbling to see some of the stuff that is on this Earth. It's hard to describe and paint a picture of the country out here. You really have to see it...or look at pictures I guess so GFGI you lazy fucks!! After a gorgeous morning drive I got to Big Sur proper (Big Sur basically comprises a bunch of state parks along the coast from San Simeon all the way up to Monterrey) and camped in Andrew Molera State Park. I had a healthy hike along the coast and up a mountain which provided the best view I've had of the world in a while and then camped out. I was thinking of staying another night but the cold combined with the $25-$35 a night camping fee pushed me Northward to Monterrey and Santa Cruz where I went on a busted excursion to find Big Basin Redwood Park and said F it and carried on to visit my bestest buddies in the whole wide California Collin and Stephanie. Ahhh...a shower and a mattress not surrounded by Europeans is quite the luxury at this point. Loving life as always my friends. And I think I almost have it figured out what I might do when I return to the real world so maybe I'll come back from this with the whole reason I did it. Okie doke well I think Collin and I are going to hit the beach shortly (I know...I didn't know there were beaches here either. I'm sure as shit not getting in the water) and try to not look like a gay couple. I should be able to post a little more frequently since they have internet and I ain't paying for it! Farewell and Godspeed brahs and brahdettes!
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Ya this is Hollywood...
Holy shit I have got some catching up to do!! I'm sorry guys I got into Venice beach and they charge money for the stupid internet here and I haven't had the motivation to get on here and post for a couple days. Now where was I?
Holy shit so San Diego wound up being soooooo AWESOME!! I mean the whole "I don't want to drink too much on this trip" thing is completely shattered but it was a wonderful time. The second night there there was a pub crawl and it was basically me and about 10 girls from all over the friggin place. Couldn't complain about that even when we emptied the karaoke bar and I dropped a ten dollar double bourbon and coke on the floor. Anyway I survived that night and wound up going to the beach the next day with the lovely Helena and My. Helena is from Germany and My was Swedish and they were both the cutest and sweetest girls ever. Had a blast at the beach and when I got back all those Irish fucks made fun of my sunglass coon eyes. Ya I forgot the sunscreen but it has since shifted into a tasteful and attractive bronzing...still got coon eyes though. That night we had trivia in the common area and I was on a team of English people and we lost by one frigging point! Clubs after that and the whole thing started again but many great friends and wonderful people. Oh and I was able to apologize to the girl about the dubstep comments and she totally forgave me but subjected me to an extremely long-winded and awful history lesson in dubstep and how her friends invented it and people don't understand the musical intricacies of blah blah blah holy shit I don't care! I was polite and nodded however and found myself in the good graces of the hostel staff once again. Good times in general.
So I left San Diego and actually brought a friend. Alex ze German asked if he could hitch a ride to Venice beach and I obliged. Super cool guy but it was funny because I didn't figure out what his name was until we were half way to LA. So we get in the first night and go on a fantastic pub crawl with these Norwegian chicks that culminated in yet another shitshow of a night. And then yesterday Alex and I wanted to grab a quick happy hour drink and wander into some cantina featuring something or another and shrimp tacos and I hear "Hey Bulldog!!" as a response to my red Georgia hat I was proudly wearing. It turns out these guys are from Atlanta Chris Clark and Kyle Tekiela and they know Goldie and Molly and everyone back home! So they take me to this random ass block party and I wind up drinking beer with this dude claiming he was the sound engineer for Ray Charles and he tells me I need to get in touch with him after I finish my trip and he'll help me get a book published. Obviously raining bullshit all over the place but it was still cool. Then I find out the house we're at is the guy from 10 Things I hate about You...not Inception dude but the guy that was the douchebag bad guy in the movie. Guy's all hippied out with a fucking satchel but it was still a trip to be drinking at a movie star's house. So by this point I haven't eaten and I'm starving so I grab a sandwich and go upstairs ready to chill for a bit and get pulled into yet another friggin' pubcrawl with these lovely Irish ladies and this French girl who knew about 3 words in English. She was a sweetheart though and I had to help her order beers and stuff at the club. Oh and I haven't even mentioned that Venice Beach is a TRIP!!! Crazy people everywhere...bunch of street performers and crazy folks selling shit and on acid and dragging about this place is delightfully weird. Oh ya and last night after getting back from the bar I almost saw a damn bum fight in front of the hostel. This place is so different but I'm still loving life although at this point my liver is starting to hate me. July 4th tomorrow and I have no plans but I have a feeling something will pop up...it seems to be happening a lot lately! Maybe Hollywood next for a night before I go back to the wild for a couple days before San Fran. Oh and I just found out I have to be back to Atlanta to move by the 8th so my trip might be cut a bit short. Oh well such is life...I'll be back on when I get somewhere that has free frigging Wifi!!!!! Ciao beeches!!!!
Holy shit so San Diego wound up being soooooo AWESOME!! I mean the whole "I don't want to drink too much on this trip" thing is completely shattered but it was a wonderful time. The second night there there was a pub crawl and it was basically me and about 10 girls from all over the friggin place. Couldn't complain about that even when we emptied the karaoke bar and I dropped a ten dollar double bourbon and coke on the floor. Anyway I survived that night and wound up going to the beach the next day with the lovely Helena and My. Helena is from Germany and My was Swedish and they were both the cutest and sweetest girls ever. Had a blast at the beach and when I got back all those Irish fucks made fun of my sunglass coon eyes. Ya I forgot the sunscreen but it has since shifted into a tasteful and attractive bronzing...still got coon eyes though. That night we had trivia in the common area and I was on a team of English people and we lost by one frigging point! Clubs after that and the whole thing started again but many great friends and wonderful people. Oh and I was able to apologize to the girl about the dubstep comments and she totally forgave me but subjected me to an extremely long-winded and awful history lesson in dubstep and how her friends invented it and people don't understand the musical intricacies of blah blah blah holy shit I don't care! I was polite and nodded however and found myself in the good graces of the hostel staff once again. Good times in general.
So I left San Diego and actually brought a friend. Alex ze German asked if he could hitch a ride to Venice beach and I obliged. Super cool guy but it was funny because I didn't figure out what his name was until we were half way to LA. So we get in the first night and go on a fantastic pub crawl with these Norwegian chicks that culminated in yet another shitshow of a night. And then yesterday Alex and I wanted to grab a quick happy hour drink and wander into some cantina featuring something or another and shrimp tacos and I hear "Hey Bulldog!!" as a response to my red Georgia hat I was proudly wearing. It turns out these guys are from Atlanta Chris Clark and Kyle Tekiela and they know Goldie and Molly and everyone back home! So they take me to this random ass block party and I wind up drinking beer with this dude claiming he was the sound engineer for Ray Charles and he tells me I need to get in touch with him after I finish my trip and he'll help me get a book published. Obviously raining bullshit all over the place but it was still cool. Then I find out the house we're at is the guy from 10 Things I hate about You...not Inception dude but the guy that was the douchebag bad guy in the movie. Guy's all hippied out with a fucking satchel but it was still a trip to be drinking at a movie star's house. So by this point I haven't eaten and I'm starving so I grab a sandwich and go upstairs ready to chill for a bit and get pulled into yet another friggin' pubcrawl with these lovely Irish ladies and this French girl who knew about 3 words in English. She was a sweetheart though and I had to help her order beers and stuff at the club. Oh and I haven't even mentioned that Venice Beach is a TRIP!!! Crazy people everywhere...bunch of street performers and crazy folks selling shit and on acid and dragging about this place is delightfully weird. Oh ya and last night after getting back from the bar I almost saw a damn bum fight in front of the hostel. This place is so different but I'm still loving life although at this point my liver is starting to hate me. July 4th tomorrow and I have no plans but I have a feeling something will pop up...it seems to be happening a lot lately! Maybe Hollywood next for a night before I go back to the wild for a couple days before San Fran. Oh and I just found out I have to be back to Atlanta to move by the 8th so my trip might be cut a bit short. Oh well such is life...I'll be back on when I get somewhere that has free frigging Wifi!!!!! Ciao beeches!!!!
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
New feature at the San Diego Zoo!!!
Well the economy has really hit the Zoo business hard and here at the San Diego Zoo we've decided to drum up some more revenue by offering a very special event every Friday...it's called Assholes and Animals! Basically every Friday night we will extend our hours to 3 am, lower our beer prices signicantly, and visitors will be allowed to throw objects at the animals free of charge!! What a fun time!!!
OK they're not really doing that over there but I was pretty tripped out that they sold beer at the zoo and they have a program where you can go and camp out over night inside...I was extremely tempted to do it but I've done enough on this trip to be accused of being a pedophile...In any case the zoo was cool as shit and I am adoring the 70 degree temperature of San Diego. The desert was definitely starting to wear on me. On the way down here I had to drive through the Colorado Desert for about an hour and that was actually really intense because it was absolute nothingness and 116 degrees. There was also no one out there at all. And i mean real desert...like sand dunes and no vegetation and shit. Really crazy.
San Diego has been cool so far. I am the only American in this hostel...everyone is Irish and hammered constantly. We played poker last night and I think I pissed off the staff because this weasley fuck that apparently works here said I look like Zack Galifinakis to which I replied well you're the one rocking the 'stache without any sense of irony there Cheech and this was right after I went on one of my rants about the uselessness of dubstep. I don't know maybe he's a DJ or something but I think the staff hates me now. All the people staying here are super cool though. I was hanging with a couple Australians last night and then a whole freaking herd of drunk Micks come home and I wound up discussing economics with them until 1 in the morning. Strange night. However do not fret because there is a delectable pizza-by-the-slice place across the stree that I can smell from my unintentionally private room on the top floor and there is a very enticing pub crawl tonight where I will God-willing find some beautiful and hammered pair of boobs with an accent that will make an international incident out of my junk.
By the way I don't think I've mentioned it but the Grand Canyon was truly amazing and awe-inspiring. I thought it was going to be built up too much and I was going to be terribly unimpressed because it's such a touristy clusterfuck but man oh man that thing is absolutely hard to fathom. Damn near killed myself hiking into the thing too but it was well worth it. I like Flagstaff too and OMFG I had the best cheeseburger there at a place called Diablo's. They use English muffins as the buns which sounds weird but it's freaking awesome. I also had my first In-n-out experience as well which was also breathtaking...damn I'm eating a lot of cheeseburgers.
Well I'm here for at least one more day if the Irish staff doesn't kill me tonight and then I think I want to go to Venice beach and flex my glutes on the sidewalk...damn that reminds me I need to shave my ass tonight. Farewell chitlins!!!! Cali's got me...help!!!!!!
OK they're not really doing that over there but I was pretty tripped out that they sold beer at the zoo and they have a program where you can go and camp out over night inside...I was extremely tempted to do it but I've done enough on this trip to be accused of being a pedophile...In any case the zoo was cool as shit and I am adoring the 70 degree temperature of San Diego. The desert was definitely starting to wear on me. On the way down here I had to drive through the Colorado Desert for about an hour and that was actually really intense because it was absolute nothingness and 116 degrees. There was also no one out there at all. And i mean real desert...like sand dunes and no vegetation and shit. Really crazy.
San Diego has been cool so far. I am the only American in this hostel...everyone is Irish and hammered constantly. We played poker last night and I think I pissed off the staff because this weasley fuck that apparently works here said I look like Zack Galifinakis to which I replied well you're the one rocking the 'stache without any sense of irony there Cheech and this was right after I went on one of my rants about the uselessness of dubstep. I don't know maybe he's a DJ or something but I think the staff hates me now. All the people staying here are super cool though. I was hanging with a couple Australians last night and then a whole freaking herd of drunk Micks come home and I wound up discussing economics with them until 1 in the morning. Strange night. However do not fret because there is a delectable pizza-by-the-slice place across the stree that I can smell from my unintentionally private room on the top floor and there is a very enticing pub crawl tonight where I will God-willing find some beautiful and hammered pair of boobs with an accent that will make an international incident out of my junk.
By the way I don't think I've mentioned it but the Grand Canyon was truly amazing and awe-inspiring. I thought it was going to be built up too much and I was going to be terribly unimpressed because it's such a touristy clusterfuck but man oh man that thing is absolutely hard to fathom. Damn near killed myself hiking into the thing too but it was well worth it. I like Flagstaff too and OMFG I had the best cheeseburger there at a place called Diablo's. They use English muffins as the buns which sounds weird but it's freaking awesome. I also had my first In-n-out experience as well which was also breathtaking...damn I'm eating a lot of cheeseburgers.
Well I'm here for at least one more day if the Irish staff doesn't kill me tonight and then I think I want to go to Venice beach and flex my glutes on the sidewalk...damn that reminds me I need to shave my ass tonight. Farewell chitlins!!!! Cali's got me...help!!!!!!
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Things I've Learned...
So I can't come up with my usual witty banter about random encounters and musings relished on this journey so I decided to construct a list of some of the things I've learned since leaving the wonderful state of Georgia. I'll likely update this list regurly as I am constantly learning interesting things necessary for survival and I have no one around to make the joke to. It's like being in a perpetual bad movie and I keep thinking of funny stuff to comment on and then I just talk to myself and laugh quietly and the people in the next car think I'm crazy.
1.Beau Rivage Blackjack dealers are really nice and helpful while they're taking your money.
2. Houston actually has a hostel and it sucks balls. Sorry I'm not paying money to sleep on a couch no matter how drunk I am.
3. Someone should construct an "American Hipster Town Tour" and you would get to see a shitload of amazing and beautiful places full of fedoras and Converses.
4. Austin...I never thought I'd fall in love with a whore that kicked my ass like that.
5. There's like 100 different kinds of Mexican food...and Taco Bell is delicious everywhere.
6. Carlsbad is basically a really big and dusty trailer park.
7. New Mexico is an even bigger and dustier trailer park.
8. Nothing is ever open in Marfa, Texas.
9. Going on bike rides is fun after you're 8...and they are difficult to ride drunk at 3 in the morning but you won't go to jail (watch now I'm gonna get charged with a BUI and go to jail.)
10. Vienna sausage is the shit when you're camping...don't think about it just get it down and take a vitamin.
11. Gay pride parades are funny as hell but I probably wouldn't go to one on purpose.
12. It is hot as FUCK out here!!
13. There's a talk show on Sirus Radio called "Whore Talk." That's just hilarious to me..."Hey Dick did you hear the Regular Guys this morning?" " Naw man I only listen to Whore Talk on the way into work."
14. Power naps work.
That's all I can think of at this point but I might make this an ongoing feature in the Dickedge chronicles. Tomorrow I go to the graetest and most celebrated hole in the ground on Earth...the Grand Canyon!!! Everyone says I'm gonna shit my pants when I see it which I hope isn't true because that would make the hike down decidedly uncomfortable I'm sure. Buenos Noches Mi Capitans!!!
1.Beau Rivage Blackjack dealers are really nice and helpful while they're taking your money.
2. Houston actually has a hostel and it sucks balls. Sorry I'm not paying money to sleep on a couch no matter how drunk I am.
3. Someone should construct an "American Hipster Town Tour" and you would get to see a shitload of amazing and beautiful places full of fedoras and Converses.
4. Austin...I never thought I'd fall in love with a whore that kicked my ass like that.
5. There's like 100 different kinds of Mexican food...and Taco Bell is delicious everywhere.
6. Carlsbad is basically a really big and dusty trailer park.
7. New Mexico is an even bigger and dustier trailer park.
8. Nothing is ever open in Marfa, Texas.
9. Going on bike rides is fun after you're 8...and they are difficult to ride drunk at 3 in the morning but you won't go to jail (watch now I'm gonna get charged with a BUI and go to jail.)
10. Vienna sausage is the shit when you're camping...don't think about it just get it down and take a vitamin.
11. Gay pride parades are funny as hell but I probably wouldn't go to one on purpose.
12. It is hot as FUCK out here!!
13. There's a talk show on Sirus Radio called "Whore Talk." That's just hilarious to me..."Hey Dick did you hear the Regular Guys this morning?" " Naw man I only listen to Whore Talk on the way into work."
14. Power naps work.
That's all I can think of at this point but I might make this an ongoing feature in the Dickedge chronicles. Tomorrow I go to the graetest and most celebrated hole in the ground on Earth...the Grand Canyon!!! Everyone says I'm gonna shit my pants when I see it which I hope isn't true because that would make the hike down decidedly uncomfortable I'm sure. Buenos Noches Mi Capitans!!!
Thursday, June 23, 2011
"Hey Dick! You ever been to Mexico?" "Sure haven't but I've seen it!"
OK so I made that little side trip to Big Bend National Park and holy friggin' cannolli is was hot!!! I decided to emerge myself in a short little personal test of manhood and hike 6 miles in 120 degrees through the ACTUAL Mexican desert landscape. Just to give you an idea of how stupid I am I was the only car parked at the trailhead when I got there, hiked into the desert, and on my way back to the car 3 hours later I was able to stay on the trail by way of my own footprints because everyone had stayed in the mountains. Bunch of pussies in my opinion...I made that dessert my personal bitch making me sandwiches and shit. Wait I meant desert...shit which way do I spell it? I mean obviously I've made a lot of deserts my bitch...shitdamn everyone knows that. But this particular day I made a dessert my bitch...course I made a desert my bitch my too. After a hike like that HOO WEEE I was ready for some ice cream. But back to the lecture at hand...Big Bend is an amazing, awe-inspiring place and I'm so glad I went there. And yes I was keeping my eye out for border jumpers. Hell I was hiking along the Rio Grande...I was practically working for the Border Control. Apparently the illegal immigrants were smarter than I was as well as I saw no one wading into freedom. Oh by the way I met the COOLEST people from Boston that are also driving across the country...we hung out in Marfa and then they met me in Big Bend. We camped out and looked at super novas and drank stolen wine together...it was a healthy experience. In any case go to Big Bend immediately and hike to the top of the Chisos Mountains and sit there and think about the universe...truly unbelievable place and I'm so glad I followed that impulse. Thank you weird creepy guy at Padre's that kept bitching about onion ring manufacturing!
Oh quick thought today...has anyone ever heard of an acoustic George Michael cover band? Tell me we couldn't book that shit everywhere! I think that might be my job when I return.
So where to next? Well I have checked into a lovely crack motel in Carlsbad, New Mexico because I got here too late to go in the caverns. Carlsbad is a lot like South Atlanta if you added even MORE Mexicans and took away all the good restaurants. Meh I'm not bothered though because I mostly wanted to have a quick shower seeing as how I haven't had one in 4 days and have been sleeping on top of the most precariously placed rock in the Chisos Mountains...driven directly into my lower back. Thus I have given up on the charm of Carlsbad and I think I will go to the caverns in the morning and then spend a night in Roswell...aliens and conspiracy theories anyone??? Hmmm...I think that might have to happen. Plus I'm hoping Kathryn Heigl still lives there...I'd still totally hit that. I'm planning out what happens after that tonight and I may get back out in the wilderness soon so if I don't post for a little bit I'm very likely being raped by alien invaders. Good night America!!!
Oh quick thought today...has anyone ever heard of an acoustic George Michael cover band? Tell me we couldn't book that shit everywhere! I think that might be my job when I return.
So where to next? Well I have checked into a lovely crack motel in Carlsbad, New Mexico because I got here too late to go in the caverns. Carlsbad is a lot like South Atlanta if you added even MORE Mexicans and took away all the good restaurants. Meh I'm not bothered though because I mostly wanted to have a quick shower seeing as how I haven't had one in 4 days and have been sleeping on top of the most precariously placed rock in the Chisos Mountains...driven directly into my lower back. Thus I have given up on the charm of Carlsbad and I think I will go to the caverns in the morning and then spend a night in Roswell...aliens and conspiracy theories anyone??? Hmmm...I think that might have to happen. Plus I'm hoping Kathryn Heigl still lives there...I'd still totally hit that. I'm planning out what happens after that tonight and I may get back out in the wilderness soon so if I don't post for a little bit I'm very likely being raped by alien invaders. Good night America!!!
Monday, June 20, 2011
If this ain't Hollywood...I'm lost.
Well I logged quite a few miles yesterday and I must say WOW what a drive! I am absolutely humbled by the beauty and hugeness of the land out here. It is definitely interesting when you drive on one road for an hour and neither see another car nor have cell phone service until you hit the interstate. So after a 7 hour drive dodging tumbleweeds I have landed in the town of Marfa, Texas. It's about an hour and a half off of I-10 in the middle of the West Texas desert. It was recommended to me by a few folks in Austin and I am loving this place!!! It is basically a town of about 2000 people that was discovered 50 or so years ago by an artist out of New York who moved here and started painting and it has become a bit of a hipster art community only the hipsters are super friendly which is a new concept to me. I asked the lady at El Cosmico where I'm staying what security was like and if my bike and everything would be alright. She laughs and says she doesn't even have a key for her apartment. Sounds good to me! Well apparently everything is closed on Sunday except for one of 2 bars in town named Padre's who actually had a guy playing guitar last night so I decided to ride my bike down and catch the show. Well it took me about 5 minutes of sitting at the bar that I started talking to a girl that was born and raised here and writes the local magazine for the area as well as the guy who played guitar...Phil Gibbs from Austin. And I definitely put in a request for Pancho and Lefty and he killed it! Oh and I also met the guy who got hit with the apple in the new True Grit movie who was funny as HELL and the guy that did the artwork for all the Eagles albums and claims he used to date Joni Mitchell. This place is definitely a trip. I'm thinking of staying an extra day or two just because Monday is apparently a weird day and alot of places aren't open. Oh and surrounding us are just beautiful rolling hills with nothing around. This is the most random weird and awesome place I've ever been and I've barely seen any of the town! I'm a little worried about the fires in New Mexico which could hinder my trip to Carlsbad...I'm going to have to keep an eye on the news and see what's happening over there.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Holy Cannoli It's Junior Year All Over Again!
Well I have eaten A LOT of tacos! I mean there are tacos everywhere down here. Other than that it has been your average ho-hum shitshow. We went out with some cool folks last night in a part of town I had not been to yet and did some lovely porch drinking. Very nice people all around and it was healthy to interact with some new folks. I've been recommended a place called Marfa which is on the way to Carlsbad and would satisfy my urge to experience as much random and strange places on this trip as possible. I'm taking her easy today...might go kayaking shortly and ride my bike but I'm largely getting ready for my skirmish into the desert. The real trip begins tomorrow!!
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Would I make out with Jimmy Herring?...Only if he was playing guitar at the time.
So that was pretty much awesome! Austin is definitely growing on me. It's like if you took Little Five Points and Virginia Highlands, squashed them together and made them an entire city. Oh and also made it hot as balls but that I won't complain about. This is a beautiful city full of music and alcohol which are obviously 2 of my favorite things. I spent yesterday riding my bike along the river and after some sick mexican food went exploring around E 6th which is basically the drinking district. Saddled up at this one bar to kill time for a bit. There seems to be alot to do in Austin but not much touristy stuff which is perfectly fine by me. However my head is KILLING me this morning...tends to happen after a good Panic set. Apparently there are a ton of water sports in this town (no I don't mean getting my face peed on) so that will be the plan for this afternoon...something called Barton Springs. That's going to be my afternoon and then I guess we'll hit some bars tonight or something. Austin has definitely thrown a monkey wrrench in my whole plan to get out of my normal routine but it's perfectly fine. I tend to thrive in drunk ass musical shitshow environments!! Hey Musical Shitshow...now there's a good band name. Day trip to San Antonio tomorrow and then a party on Saturday before the real trip begins. Keep killing it chitlins!
Monday, June 13, 2011
Can the Saturn V Rocket be considered the official massive phallus of the United States? ...Yes.
Well Johnson Space Center was freaking AWESOME!!! Ya I was pretty much the only single non-child man in the entire freaking place but I didn't give a shit because NASA fucking rocks...I hate that we had to cut funding for it and they're laying off astronauts because they've done some awesome stuff over the years and it was all very cool. I went from there to Minute Maid Park where they have a train and it's inside which was a new experience for me in my baseball experience. All in all it was a good day in Houston for the short time I had and the short notice of my coming here. I think I'm going to grab some barbecue for lunch and head on to Austin for WIDESPREAD!!! Should be a fun couple shows and it will be nice to have a place to sleep already locked down. Kicking ass and loving life!!! Godspeed humans!
Sunday, June 12, 2011
$40 donation to "Beau Rivage profit-building fund"...check
Well the first leg of my trip is over and I am nicely settled in the Econo lodge in Biloxi, MS. I got into town and decided to go give some money away at the casino because that's what you do down here right? Actually I had fun and got some free drinks and met some folks from Baton Rouge that were not completely annoyed by my retardary at playing blackjack. Also got to see Dallas beat that ass (eat shit Lebron) at the Hard Rock. Pretty low-key night relatively but tomorrow I go on to Houston where I'm going to...the Space Center!!! Ya I was googling earlier and I can't make it to Austin tomorrow so I'm going to stop and stay the night there and what else would be better than satisfying my inner dork. I really hope I get in a tour group with like fifty ten-year-olds and look like a complete idiot in the group photo. And if anyone knows of a good place to get some brisket or something in Houston please let me know...or maybe even a good place for a Grouper sandwich. Either way I am still so unbelievably excited about this trip. I've never done anything like this in my life and it's an amazing feeling to be pulling the trigger on something I want to do before I'm dead. Oh ya and the Braves are in Houston so I'm kind of tempted to say screw it and see the Bravos tomorrow. We'll see what happens. Alright I have to leave early tomorrow to make the Space Center by lunch so I better hit it...Adios Bendejos!
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Okie Dokie...
Good afternoon! So I'm in Columbus for the wedding fiasco and I am spending a lot of time counting seconds until I blast off into the universe alone....like the Voyager satellite with better music and more beer. I'm looking forward to Biloxi...hell maybe I can get on a heater and actually make money on this excursion. After that, Austin...I keep hearing more and more about this mysterious town and it sounds quite awesome although I have never trusted Texas people...hmmm we'll have to see but at least Panic's going to be there. So ya at this point it's all preparing and thinking and strategizing and all that overanalysis shit we all do before something like this. OK I'm going to go start drinking for Mary's wedding and get into character. There will definitely be more funny stuff coming up I'm sure. Have a good weekend!
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Indeed...
OK so I know I haven't been on here in a while and there are multiple explanations for my absence but fuck you I can do what I want. So a decision has been made by me and I am going to be taking a trip here in the next couple weeks. Basically my first order of business is to drive to California...specifically San Francisco. This is going to be the most epic adventure of myy life and assuming I can secure a new laptop before my departure I will be describing my adventures in detail along the way. Until then it is mostly just planning and buying shit and thinking about how bored I am waiting to leave. It is going to be awesome and it will certainly change the sad dynamic of whatever this is so all of you can be rightfully entertained. Love you and God bless more to come.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Well....
I was starting to think you wouldn't show! So anyway I just completed a quick test, which is necessary in this day and age what with all the bombardment of images and information and satanist rhetoric that the Democrats try to indoctrinate into our psyches and I have concluded that I am indeed a heterosexual. If you are confused on the topic watch this video (Going to leave this right here. (NSFW))
If you are no way enticed or aroused by that video...good luck to you my friend you are officially a homosexual and I really hope that you can get married one day. herp and a derp moving on.
OK I'm gonna call this one in the interest of science. Sober post coming I swear to God.
If you are no way enticed or aroused by that video...good luck to you my friend you are officially a homosexual and I really hope that you can get married one day. herp and a derp moving on.
OK I'm gonna call this one in the interest of science. Sober post coming I swear to God.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Winter Cunterland
To begin this posting I would like to say fuck the faggot douche assramming bastard twat dick shiteating Winter. Everything about Winter sucks giant balls and I fucking hate it, I fucking hate it, I fucking hate it, I fucking hate it. There are two emotions to be felt in the wintertime: inconvenienced and fucking miserable. Every morning in the late Fall and dead fucking fistfuck Winter, I am praying to a God that I will only be inconvenienced today. That's the absolute best case scenario. Perhaps this week I'll just run out of sweatshirts really quickly and have to go to my friend's house to do a load of only sweatshirts and long underwear. Perhaps I have to go downstairs, start my truck with the heater blasting whilst still in my jammies and then return to my apartment to finish hurriedly applying my seventeenth layer only to realize I left my entire set of keys in the truck while it is warming and must return to get them so I can lock my apartment. Or maybe my dog will decide she wants to shit for the THIRD time in a day at 11:30 when I'm in my underwear drinking beer and watching Mystery Science Theatre 3000 and the temperature outside is a nice and cozy 12 fucking degrees and it takes me 15 minutes to prepare mentally and physically so she can sniff for 10 minutes apparently unfazed by the 20 mile an hour winds freezing my extremities to the brink of amputation (actually that was starting to sound suspiciously like an attack against my beautiful Molly and she's awesome and wonderful always...in Summer). Those are THE best case scenarios that there are. Often times I am fucking miserable. Lets say you get sick twice in two fucking weeks because everyone you interact with on the planet is either getting sick or just getting not sick so there's this constant cycle of disease just making the fucking rounds while you try to get trained at a new job and appear tough and dedicated in front of close scrutiny by your new bosses. There's no disease during the Summer is there? (Except malaria) Or how about when you live in a Southern city and there is 4 inches of snow and you can't go fucking ANYWHERE for a whole goddamn week? And after that week when, like a goddamn meerkat, you finally work up the courage to venture out for more beer and KY jelly, you in all honesty and seriousness feel like you're going to die. You are driving on a perpetual slip'n'slide and every fucktard in your town has as little experience doing that as you do. So running to the store for beer and jacklube, a quick and mundane little errand under normal circumstances, has me truly believing I'm going to die. However...you gotta get the beer because there's nothing else to do except get blacked out and play some stupid game with tiles or something your friends are really into but you really suck at. But like I said, after risking death that closely once in 4 days, I ain't going anywhere again until cannibalism is becoming a viable option. Canadians, Northern people, geese, I just don't get it. Why would anyone on the planet ever want to live like this for the majority of the year. And I know it's the majority because I went to visit my ex-girlfriend's parents in May in Milwaukee once and like an idiot wore shorts on the plane and promptly froze to death waiting for her sister to pick us up at the airport. I had one pair of jeans and no jacket. I was pissed. I mean we've been discussing it a lot around here and the biggest argument is that they have an infrastructure that is better suited for this and they just bundle up and drink more whiskey and that's part of why both some of them are really friendly and some are complete assholes. It just sucks and if you live up there and you're stuck because you work in some shitty steel mill because your German or Scottish or whatever the fuck ancestors said fuck the gold rush and just started cranking out babies like the child-raping Pope told 'em to do and now you're too poor and uneducated to move somewhere that has a Summer that lasts more than a comfy weekend, I'm honestly very sorry for you and I hope your kids are brilliant and rich and buy you a sick condo in Sarasota where tomorrow the high is 68 and headed into the 70's by Tuesday. The rest of you people up there that have the money and freedom to move...you are certi-fucking-fiable in my book and I don't trust you one goddamn bit.
OK football is pretty cool...so let's make 'em have camp in the Winter and Spring and then do the season in the depths of Summer?? Huh Greenbay??? Wouldn't it be nice to enjoy your glorious Packers in the scorching, Death Valley-esque, crumbling heat of a lovely 45 degree July day?? I mean people give less and less of a shit about baseball anyway...make those Dominican fucking janitors play baseball with a negative 15 windchill at Miller Park on Christmas Eve. (OK I'm sorry about the Dominican janitors comment...every Dominican in the Major League makes more money then I will ever imagine seeing in my life and with any luck I might get to be one of their janitors). I'm an idea man folks...and I think I'm onto something...football is awesome, Winter sucks donkey boner turds in the ass...can we separate the two please?
You know what I did last Summer? I went to a bar on a Saturday in the middle of the day in a sleeveless American flag shirt and watched Soccer and then after getting hammered I went fishing...in the same outfit...and it was 100 degrees out...and it was fucking beautiful!!! OK maybe that doesn't technically apply but Summer is way more awesome than any time of year when it is cold. I love being outside and sweating and not having to wear layers. (By the way I also don't like Soccer but America was playing Britain and there are a surprisingly large number of English people in this town and we were going to an Irish pub so I had to be as big of a redneck asshole as I was raised to be. D-day bitches...D-day.)
OK football is pretty cool...so let's make 'em have camp in the Winter and Spring and then do the season in the depths of Summer?? Huh Greenbay??? Wouldn't it be nice to enjoy your glorious Packers in the scorching, Death Valley-esque, crumbling heat of a lovely 45 degree July day?? I mean people give less and less of a shit about baseball anyway...make those Dominican fucking janitors play baseball with a negative 15 windchill at Miller Park on Christmas Eve. (OK I'm sorry about the Dominican janitors comment...every Dominican in the Major League makes more money then I will ever imagine seeing in my life and with any luck I might get to be one of their janitors). I'm an idea man folks...and I think I'm onto something...football is awesome, Winter sucks donkey boner turds in the ass...can we separate the two please?
You know what I did last Summer? I went to a bar on a Saturday in the middle of the day in a sleeveless American flag shirt and watched Soccer and then after getting hammered I went fishing...in the same outfit...and it was 100 degrees out...and it was fucking beautiful!!! OK maybe that doesn't technically apply but Summer is way more awesome than any time of year when it is cold. I love being outside and sweating and not having to wear layers. (By the way I also don't like Soccer but America was playing Britain and there are a surprisingly large number of English people in this town and we were going to an Irish pub so I had to be as big of a redneck asshole as I was raised to be. D-day bitches...D-day.)
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