but I was at the restaurant tonight and there was a woman that was absolutely PLASTERED and making out with some sketch homie with a goatee at the bar. Long story short while I enjoyed my cheap 18 oz. Miller opposite from ground zero my manager had to come out and walk this woman to dude's car just to get her out of the establishment before some poor server had to mop up vomit for $2.50 an hour. Through further investigation I learned that the woman is a preschool teacher and I surmised that what with the Christmas holiday and whatnot she was celebrating the fact that she doesn't have to scream at 4 year olds for 8 hours tomorrow and the idea of grown-up time got the best of her and she had one too many apple sugar gumdrop-tinis and decided she was going to teach that dickhead of an ex-husband a thing or two. As she's being dragged to the imaginary border of non-lawsuitville I look over at Ashlee the bar stewardess and say "heh...I remember my first beer." Now this is a completely unoriginal remark that I stole from the movie "Stepbrothers" and I feel like there needs to be more funny remarks people can make when some dork illustrates for the world how much of an upstanding fuckup they are. So...here is what I can come up with at 3:06 in the morning:
Someone get this guy on some heavy machinery!
Shit...in that state Hemingway would be reeling in a marlin.
Hi! I'm Shitfaced...meet you in the bathroom?
Thank God...I was starting to think those pills were bullshit.
Someone's pulling a Matrix in the morning. (A Matrix is when you sneak around your office from cubicle to cubicle avoiding interaction with any authority figure a la Neo at the beginning of the Matrix. It's also when you lean back limbo-style and dodge something being thrown at you or narrowly miss being hit by a subway train.)
You know what, I'm feeling creative...I think I'm going to draw a vagina on your face tonight for a change.
No seriously I'm interested...what is your opinion of Ron Paul's stance on a nuclear Iran and do you think he could gather the momentum and campaign funds to win the Iowa caucuses?
You know your child support's due in the morning, right?
Youtube's gonna love this!
Boy, the last time I was that drunk was when I found out Obama won the election.
Boy, the last time I was that drunk was when I found out I missed the McRib by a day.
Boy, the last time I was that drunk was when I had box seats for Bananarama.
(To a dude) Don't worry...I'm sure he'll call...faggot.
(To a girl) Ya...he won't be calling. What're you doing later?
(To a girl) You ever sat on someone's face in a porta-potty? Oh...uhhh...you like Nicolas Cage movies?
Shit! And here I am fresh outta lube.
Wait, wait you dropped something...is this your baby?
Sir, I'm going to need to see some proof of citizenship...no sir you go fuck YOURself.
How much cash you got on you? Ah hell you're good...I've bribed a cop with way less.
Good thing that chick's got a vomit fetish.
Dude she's totally into you...although I do think you need to flex more.
Pants are for pussies!!
I'm Mr. Charles, the head of your security down here. I specialize in a very specific type of security...subconscious security. I am here to protect you in the event that someone tries to access your mind through your dreams. They're coming for you...
You in a band, bro?
OK that's all I got for now but if any more come to me I will definitely be posting them in some form as soon as possible. Please everyone, please take alcoholism seriously and do everything you can to mock and fuck with people that can't handle their shit. If they're really young it will build they're character and sense of humor and if they're old fuck 'em they should have learned by now. Good night and good luck.
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