New feature at the San Diego Zoo!!!

Well the economy has really hit the Zoo business hard and here at the San Diego Zoo we've decided to drum up some more revenue by offering a very special event every Friday...it's called Assholes and Animals! Basically every Friday night we will extend our hours to 3 am, lower our beer prices signicantly, and visitors will be allowed to throw objects at the animals free of charge!! What a fun time!!!

OK they're not really doing that over there but I was pretty tripped out that they sold beer at the zoo and they have a program where you can go and camp out over night inside...I was extremely tempted to do it but I've done enough on this trip to be accused of being a pedophile...In any case the zoo was cool as shit and I am adoring the 70 degree temperature of San Diego. The desert was definitely starting to wear on me. On the way down here I had to drive through the Colorado Desert for about an hour and that was actually really intense because it was absolute nothingness and 116 degrees. There was also no one out there at all. And i mean real desert...like sand dunes and no vegetation and shit. Really crazy.

San Diego has been cool so far. I am the only American in this hostel...everyone is Irish and hammered constantly. We played poker last night and I think I pissed off the staff because this weasley fuck that apparently works here said I look like Zack Galifinakis to which I replied well you're the one rocking the 'stache without any sense of irony there Cheech and this was right after I went on one of my rants about the uselessness of dubstep. I don't know maybe he's a DJ or something but I think the staff hates me now. All the people staying here are super cool though. I was hanging with a couple Australians last night and then a whole freaking herd of drunk Micks come home and I wound up discussing economics with them until 1 in the morning. Strange night. However do not fret because there is a delectable pizza-by-the-slice place across the stree that I can smell from my unintentionally private room on the top floor and there is a very enticing pub crawl tonight where I will God-willing find some beautiful and hammered pair of boobs with an accent that will make an international incident out of my junk.

By the way I don't think I've mentioned it but the Grand Canyon was truly amazing and awe-inspiring. I thought it was going to be built up too much and I was going to be terribly unimpressed because it's such a touristy clusterfuck but man oh man that thing is absolutely hard to fathom. Damn near killed myself hiking into the thing too but it was well worth it. I like Flagstaff too and OMFG I had the best cheeseburger there at a place called Diablo's. They use English muffins as the buns which sounds weird but it's freaking awesome. I also had my first In-n-out experience as well which was also breathtaking...damn I'm eating a lot of cheeseburgers.

Well I'm here for at least one more day if the Irish staff doesn't kill me tonight and then I think I want to go to Venice beach and flex my glutes on the sidewalk...damn that reminds me I need to shave my ass tonight. Farewell chitlins!!!! Cali's got me...help!!!!!!

Things I've Learned...

So I can't come up with my usual witty banter about random encounters and musings relished on this journey so I decided to construct a list of some of the things I've learned since leaving the wonderful state of Georgia. I'll likely update this list regurly as I am constantly learning interesting things necessary for survival and I have no one around to make the joke to. It's like being in a perpetual bad movie and I keep thinking of funny stuff to comment on and then I just talk to myself and laugh quietly and the people in the next car think I'm crazy.

1.Beau Rivage Blackjack dealers are really nice and helpful while they're taking your money.
2. Houston actually has a hostel and it sucks balls. Sorry I'm not paying money to sleep on a couch no matter how drunk I am.
3. Someone should construct an "American Hipster Town Tour" and you would get to see a shitload of amazing and beautiful places full of fedoras and Converses.
4. Austin...I never thought I'd fall in love with a whore that kicked my ass like that.
5. There's like 100 different kinds of Mexican food...and Taco Bell is delicious everywhere.
6. Carlsbad is basically a really big and dusty trailer park.
7. New Mexico is an even bigger and dustier trailer park.
8. Nothing is ever open in Marfa, Texas.
9. Going on bike rides is fun after you're 8...and they are difficult to ride drunk at 3 in the morning but you won't go to jail (watch now I'm gonna get charged with a BUI and go to jail.)
10. Vienna sausage is the shit when you're camping...don't think about it just get it down and take a vitamin.
11. Gay pride parades are funny as hell but I probably wouldn't go to one on purpose.
12. It is hot as FUCK out here!!
13. There's a talk show on Sirus Radio called "Whore Talk." That's just hilarious to me..."Hey Dick did you hear the Regular Guys this morning?" " Naw man I only listen to Whore Talk on the way into work."
14. Power naps work.

That's all I can think of at this point but I might make this an ongoing feature in the Dickedge chronicles. Tomorrow I go to the graetest and most celebrated hole in the ground on Earth...the Grand Canyon!!! Everyone says I'm gonna shit my pants when I see it which I hope isn't true because that would make the hike down decidedly uncomfortable I'm sure. Buenos Noches Mi Capitans!!!

"Hey Dick! You ever been to Mexico?" "Sure haven't but I've seen it!"

OK so I made that little side trip to Big Bend National Park and holy friggin' cannolli is was hot!!! I decided to emerge myself in a short little personal test of manhood and hike 6 miles in 120 degrees through the ACTUAL Mexican desert landscape. Just to give you an idea of how stupid I am I was the only car parked at the trailhead when I got there, hiked into the desert, and on my way back to the car 3 hours later I was able to stay on the trail by way of my own footprints because everyone had stayed in the mountains. Bunch of pussies in my opinion...I made that dessert my personal bitch making me sandwiches and shit. Wait I meant desert...shit which way do I spell it? I mean obviously I've made a lot of deserts my bitch...shitdamn everyone knows that. But this particular day I made a dessert my bitch...course I made a desert my bitch my too. After a hike like that HOO WEEE I was ready for some ice cream. But back to the lecture at hand...Big Bend is an amazing, awe-inspiring place and I'm so glad I went there. And yes I was keeping my eye out for border jumpers. Hell I was hiking along the Rio Grande...I was practically working for the Border Control. Apparently the illegal immigrants were smarter than I was as well as I saw no one wading into freedom. Oh by the way I met the COOLEST people from Boston that are also driving across the country...we hung out in Marfa and then they met me in Big Bend. We camped out and looked at super novas and drank stolen wine together...it was a healthy experience. In any case go to Big Bend immediately and hike to the top of the Chisos Mountains and sit there and think about the universe...truly unbelievable place and I'm so glad I followed that impulse. Thank you weird creepy guy at Padre's that kept bitching about onion ring manufacturing!

Oh quick thought today...has anyone ever heard of an acoustic George Michael cover band? Tell me we couldn't book that shit everywhere! I think that might be my job when I return.

So where to next? Well I have checked into a lovely crack motel in Carlsbad, New Mexico because I got here too late to go in the caverns. Carlsbad is a lot like South Atlanta if you added even MORE Mexicans and took away all the good restaurants. Meh I'm not bothered though because I mostly wanted to have a quick shower seeing as how I haven't had one in 4 days and have been sleeping on top of the most precariously placed rock in the Chisos Mountains...driven directly into my lower back. Thus I have given up on the charm of Carlsbad and I think I will go to the caverns in the morning and then spend a night in Roswell...aliens and conspiracy theories anyone??? Hmmm...I think that might have to happen. Plus I'm hoping Kathryn Heigl still lives there...I'd still totally hit that. I'm planning out what happens after that tonight and I may get back out in the wilderness soon so if I don't post for a little bit I'm very likely being raped by alien invaders. Good night America!!!

If this ain't Hollywood...I'm lost.

Well I logged quite a few miles yesterday and I must say WOW what a drive! I am absolutely humbled by the beauty and hugeness of the land out here. It is definitely interesting when you drive on one road for an hour and neither see another car nor have cell phone service until you hit the interstate. So after a 7 hour drive dodging tumbleweeds I have landed in the town of Marfa, Texas. It's about an hour and a half off of I-10 in the middle of the West Texas desert. It was recommended to me by a few folks in Austin and I am loving this place!!! It is basically a town of about 2000 people that was discovered 50 or so years ago by an artist out of New York who moved here and started painting and it has become a bit of a hipster art community only the hipsters are super friendly which is a new concept to me. I asked the lady at El Cosmico where I'm staying what security was like and if my bike and everything would be alright. She laughs and says she doesn't even have a key for her apartment. Sounds good to me! Well apparently everything is closed on Sunday except for one of 2 bars in town named Padre's who actually had a guy playing guitar last night so I decided to ride my bike down and catch the show. Well it took me about 5 minutes of sitting at the bar that I started talking to a girl that was born and raised here and writes the local magazine for the area as well as the guy who played guitar...Phil Gibbs from Austin. And I definitely put in a request for Pancho and Lefty and he killed it! Oh and I also met the guy who got hit with the apple in the new True Grit movie who was funny as HELL and the guy that did the artwork for all the Eagles albums and claims he used to date Joni Mitchell. This place is definitely a trip. I'm thinking of staying an extra day or two just because Monday is apparently a weird day and alot of places aren't open. Oh and surrounding us are just beautiful rolling hills with nothing around. This is the most random weird and awesome place I've ever been and I've barely seen any of the town! I'm a little worried about the fires in New Mexico which could hinder my trip to Carlsbad...I'm going to have to keep an eye on the news and see what's happening over there.

Holy Cannoli It's Junior Year All Over Again!

Well I have eaten A LOT of tacos! I mean there are tacos everywhere down here. Other than that it has been your average ho-hum shitshow. We went out with some cool folks last night in a part of town I had not been to yet and did some lovely porch drinking. Very nice people all around and it was healthy to interact with some new folks. I've been recommended a place called Marfa which is on the way to Carlsbad and would satisfy my urge to experience as much random and strange places on this trip as possible. I'm taking her easy today...might go kayaking shortly and ride my bike but I'm largely getting ready for my skirmish into the desert. The real trip begins tomorrow!!

Would I make out with Jimmy Herring?...Only if he was playing guitar at the time.

So that was pretty much awesome! Austin is definitely growing on me. It's like if you took Little Five Points and Virginia Highlands, squashed them together and made them an entire city. Oh and also made it hot as balls but that I won't complain about. This is a beautiful city full of music and alcohol which are obviously 2 of my favorite things. I spent yesterday riding my bike along the river and after some sick mexican food went exploring around E 6th which is basically the drinking district. Saddled up at this one bar to kill time for a bit. There seems to be alot to do in Austin but not much touristy stuff which is perfectly fine by me. However my head is KILLING me this morning...tends to happen after a good Panic set. Apparently there are a ton of water sports in this town (no I don't mean getting my face peed on) so that will be the plan for this afternoon...something called Barton Springs. That's going to be my afternoon and then I guess we'll hit some bars tonight or something. Austin has definitely thrown a monkey wrrench in my whole plan to get out of my normal routine but it's perfectly fine. I tend to thrive in drunk ass musical shitshow environments!! Hey Musical Shitshow...now there's a good band name. Day trip to San Antonio tomorrow and then a party on Saturday before the real trip begins. Keep killing it chitlins!

Can the Saturn V Rocket be considered the official massive phallus of the United States? ...Yes.

Well Johnson Space Center was freaking AWESOME!!! Ya I was pretty much the only single non-child man in the entire freaking place but I didn't give a shit because NASA fucking rocks...I hate that we had to cut funding for it and they're laying off astronauts because they've done some awesome stuff over the years and it was all very cool. I went from there to Minute Maid Park where they have a train and it's inside which was a new experience for me in my baseball experience. All in all it was a good day in Houston for the short time I had and the short notice of my coming here. I think I'm going to grab some barbecue for lunch and head on to Austin for WIDESPREAD!!! Should be a fun couple shows and it will be nice to have a place to sleep already locked down. Kicking ass and loving life!!! Godspeed humans!

$40 donation to "Beau Rivage profit-building fund"...check

Well the first leg of my trip is over and I am nicely settled in the Econo lodge in Biloxi, MS. I got into town and decided to go give some money away at the casino because that's what you do down here right? Actually I had fun and got some free drinks and met some folks from Baton Rouge that were not completely annoyed by my retardary at playing blackjack. Also got to see Dallas beat that ass (eat shit Lebron) at the Hard Rock. Pretty low-key night relatively but tomorrow I go on to Houston where I'm going to...the Space Center!!! Ya I was googling earlier and I can't make it to Austin tomorrow so I'm going to stop and stay the night there and what else would be better than satisfying my inner dork. I really hope I get in a tour group with like fifty ten-year-olds and look like a complete idiot in the group photo. And if anyone knows of a good place to get some brisket or something in Houston please let me know...or maybe even a good place for a Grouper sandwich. Either way I am still so unbelievably excited about this trip. I've never done anything like this in my life and it's an amazing feeling to be pulling the trigger on something I want to do before I'm dead. Oh ya and the Braves are in Houston so I'm kind of tempted to say screw it and see the Bravos tomorrow. We'll see what happens. Alright I have to leave early tomorrow to make the Space Center by lunch so I better hit it...Adios Bendejos!

Okie Dokie...

Good afternoon! So I'm in Columbus for the wedding fiasco and I am spending a lot of time counting seconds until I blast off into the universe alone....like the Voyager satellite with better music and more beer. I'm looking forward to Biloxi...hell maybe I can get on a heater and actually make money on this excursion. After that, Austin...I keep hearing more and more about this mysterious town and it sounds quite awesome although I have never trusted Texas people...hmmm we'll have to see but at least Panic's going to be there. So ya at this point it's all preparing and thinking and strategizing and all that overanalysis shit we all do before something like this. OK I'm going to go start drinking for Mary's wedding and get into character. There will definitely be more funny stuff coming up I'm sure. Have a good weekend!