Let's get weird!!!!!!

So this year for Halloween I really wanted to be a dinosaur. Is that too much to ask?? A grown-ass man wanting to dress up like a dinosaur??? It is freaking IMPOSSIBLE to find a proper dinosaur costume anywhere in the United States. Oh I eventually found one...it was in Hong Kong. Way too far away to have it by today. Oh well...it looks like one more Greenman will be drunkenly wandering the streets of New Orleans tonight.

Halloween in New Orleans!!! Oh my lord I can't wait to see the freaks that are produced by that weird-ass city. I mean I will be wearing a full bodysuit of green spandex and I'll be just another tourist. Now granted the majority of my time will be spent listening to the greatest rock band on the planet but after the show it should only be about 12:30 which is when the sociopaths are injecting one last bit of smack to stay juiced up to sell bunk coke to tourists and search for the whores that don't have any visible cold sores. Hey that rhymed!

New Orleans is definitely one of my favorite cities. I actually have bestowed on it the honor of being my favorite city that I never want to live in. I don't think I could handle it. The place also smells kind of funny but I'm sure that's just the drunken failure running down the gutters every day at 4 in the morning. I mean Bourbon Street is fine but obviously you have to get off Bourbon to get the real jest of the place. However, there was a time on Bourbon when a certain friend of mine maxed out his Amex on tag-team blowjobs from two strippers he fell in love with the first night we got there. I woke up to this fine upstanding gentleman trying to report his card stolen the next morning. When they brought up the affidavit he would need to sign he promptly hung up and reveled in his own stupidity.

 And then sometimes you eat way too many mushrooms and find yourself chasing taxi cabs in the freezing cold until a friendly bouncer informs you it's illegal for them to stop in that spot.

And sometimes you find yourself drinking drugstore jugwine on the Tulane campus at 7 in the morning on a Monday heckling kids jogging and going to class and generally having their lives together. Ya we never made it to the passport office that day.

And sometimes you spend 20 minutes at a blackjack table and make $200 and proceed to drink every dime of it in the next 2 hours. 

Holy shit I am excited for tonight. I will be posting again very soon I promise to regale all with the adventures from the weekend. God bless and wish me luck!!! I feel like I'm about to skydive straight into a wildfire.

But I like cake!!!

Moving on...keeping it trucking.

Do you think it was really annoying and complicated 2000 years ago when they made the switch from B.C. to A.D.? I bet everyone was really pissed off and kept dating checks wrong. People kept using it as an excuse when they were late to work. It was likely a difficult transition but after a few months everyone was like "This makes so much more sense! What the hell were we counting down to anyway?"

So now that what's her name no longer exists there's a new problem I'm tackling...getting rid of these relationship pounds. It's funny how easy it is to develop a nice and comfortable fat ass when you're in a healthy relationship. The thought process makes so much sense! "Hmmm...there's a beautiful girl that seems to really like my personality and she is still banging me. I have no need to impress anyone ever!" And then all of a sudden cake starts tasting way better than it did before.  The next thing you know you've put on about 20 pounds and then she goes to Denver and holy crap I'm single again. Shit! Now I have to rely on my winning personality and sense of humor to get me laid! You know losing weight was always easy before because I had jobs that required me to run around and do stuff all the time. They also interfered with my meals so I never ate and ran around slinging drinks for ten hours at a time...now that's an easy diet! But now my life is planning and meeting and sitting and discussing shit all day and I'm not losing weight as fast as before. I should start bartending again. Start bartending...lose weight...bang pretty ladies. Worked last time!!

You know I've always wanted abs but I feel like they're slowly drifting away. Abs to me are like Wilson in Cast Away...they're just floating away and I am an insane bearded hermit yelling from my raft. "Abs!!!! I'm sorry abs!! I love you but sit-ups suck balls! Come back!!"

I have been addressing my unhealthy lifestyle lately and it has been good. I go for these little walk-jogs on the Beltline and listen to Steve Winwood and I feel pretty good. I don't think I want to get too obsessed with it though. If I get really motivated and really become obsessed with staying in shape and change my diet and start limiting my drinking and then I get cancer in a couple years I am going to be fucking PISSED! That's what happened to Steve Jobs. Dude ate nothing but fruit and was all disciplined and focused on his health and now he's dead. Wow what a waste of time...of course his retarded belief in holistic medicine was also a factor. But there you go...super healthy people die all the time. It's really a roll of the dice. For now I'm going to keep having fun but going outside and giving myself a heart-attack on occasion probably isn't such a bad idea either.

Dude True Blood freaking SUCKS now...

OK I've got an idea for a creepy scary psychological thriller and I want you guys to tell me what you think. So this really cute couple meet and start dating when they're young in the fifties. They met under some pretty amazing circumstances and it really felt like fate when they met. They graduate, get married, and have children. They have a beautiful baby boy and they are so proud but as the boy grows up they slowly start to realize as he matures that he looks vaguely familiar. The more he grows, the more they see it but neither one wants to acknowledge it at the risk of sounding crazy. He grows and grows until he gets to high school and finally the father can't take it anymore. The rage and suspicion builds in him until the one fateful night that he brings it up to his wife. She agrees, he does look like someone they remember but she can't explain it. The husband presses...he knows what this all is but she denies it. The husband goes into a insane rage, throwing furniture and screaming "liar!" all the while the wife is pleading with him to calm down. She can't explain it but she swears it's not what he thinks! He grabs a lamp and swings at her, striking her in the temple a she goes limp on the ground in a bloody heap. He grabs his trusty hunting knife from the dresser and slowly unfolds it, muttering to himself as the insanity explodes in his mind and he loses all grip of reality. "I'm not raising nobody's goddamn bastard" he says as he slowly walks into the next room where their cherished son sleeps. "Hey Dad what's with all the racket in there?" his son says. "I'm just heading down to the mall to hang with Emmit again." "Not this time you little bastard!!" he says as he plunges the knife into his son Marty's throat. Marty reaches for his father as he lies on the floor bleeding from his neck. He gradually stops fighting and clawing as the blood flows out of the hole in his neck and BOOM!!!! The universe instantaneously disappears from existence.

And THAT is my idea for a remake of Back to the Future II. I guess it's closer to the Shining but seriously...how in the hell would the parents never notice that Marty looks EXACTLY like the guy that introduced them? And dammit I had to use the word instantaneous. Shit I hate that stupid word!!!

OK I'm going to go watch TV and think about soundproof drywall.

Just call me Dick Van Sprinkle...

Ahhhh....ohhhhh boy that was a nice nap. Holy spicoli nothing hits the spot like closing your eyes for a minute and just not doing crap for a while. Let me just jump on the old internet machine here and see what I missed. Whoa what the farts??? Who messed with the calendar thingy on my desktop? Has it seriously been almost two years since I was on here? Oh my God! Two years of my life gone...Nooooooooo!!!!!!!

OK be calm...let's get the butler in here. He'll explain everything. Tanjit, what the hell happened? Uh huh...OK so I remember working at the bar at Nap's. And then someone handed me a red pill and a glass of corn liquor and I vaguely remember waking up in a pod filled with pink goo and hoses attached to my body. Did we reelect that boner in Washington? Ah who cares it's all the same shit. Ya ya...something about a bachelor party in Key West. No I'm not gay! It was the groom's idea, trust me. What else? Ya a couple weddings, someone had a baby, blah blah blah, New Orleans for New Years, nice. Douching around, bullshit bullshit bullshit, turned 30, gross. Wait what??? I bought a bar? When the fuck did that happen? Oh shitmonkies how the hell did I do that? It better be an awesome bar...AHHHH it's in Little Five?? I can't afford gauges in my ears! Oh and the tattoo bills holy crap! Well how's it doing? It's not open yet??? Shit!! Well when's it going to open? October?? Oh boy I've got some figuring to do. What else man? A girlfriend!! Ahhh holy shit what about that whole vow of celibacy thing you made me swear when we were taking acid in Sri Lanka that time!  Well I know I wasn't serious but still! Is she cool at least? Into Phish, loves animals and bourbon. Holy shit Tanjit my head's spinning. OK let's get the jam jamming again. First things first! I need a glass of corn liquor and a red pill of some kind...

So here I am back on the pain train. I missed writing random weird things that only I ever read. I find it's quite therapeutic and I usually think I'm at least moderately funny so here I go again on my own. And stop singing Whitesnake!

So according to Tanjit I quit my job at Napoleon's to concentrate on this new venture full time. It should be a super-nice music venue called Aisle 5 here shortly and apparently I'm running the bar and kitchen. Should be healthy if it ever opens.  Also if you know me it's all I talk about so I won't ramble on the details here but when it opens bring your ass and you're drinking shoes!

This new venture has also landed me smack-dab in the middle of a crackpipe circus, AKA Little 5 Points.  So, in dickedge v. 5.3 or whatever the fuck number I'm on at this point I will certainly be posting my funny observations and interactions I have with the strange and noteworthy locals of my new business home. Like Tao and the crazy meth-chick with the sequins and the shaved head. I already made friends with them. OK I'll be back on as the ideas start rolling again. Keep it real my little chickadees.