So this year for Halloween I really wanted to be a dinosaur. Is that too much to ask?? A grown-ass man wanting to dress up like a dinosaur??? It is freaking IMPOSSIBLE to find a proper dinosaur costume anywhere in the United States. Oh I eventually found one...it was in Hong Kong. Way too far away to have it by today. Oh well...it looks like one more Greenman will be drunkenly wandering the streets of New Orleans tonight.
Halloween in New Orleans!!! Oh my lord I can't wait to see the freaks that are produced by that weird-ass city. I mean I will be wearing a full bodysuit of green spandex and I'll be just another tourist. Now granted the majority of my time will be spent listening to the greatest rock band on the planet but after the show it should only be about 12:30 which is when the sociopaths are injecting one last bit of smack to stay juiced up to sell bunk coke to tourists and search for the whores that don't have any visible cold sores. Hey that rhymed!
New Orleans is definitely one of my favorite cities. I actually have bestowed on it the honor of being my favorite city that I never want to live in. I don't think I could handle it. The place also smells kind of funny but I'm sure that's just the drunken failure running down the gutters every day at 4 in the morning. I mean Bourbon Street is fine but obviously you have to get off Bourbon to get the real jest of the place. However, there was a time on Bourbon when a certain friend of mine maxed out his Amex on tag-team blowjobs from two strippers he fell in love with the first night we got there. I woke up to this fine upstanding gentleman trying to report his card stolen the next morning. When they brought up the affidavit he would need to sign he promptly hung up and reveled in his own stupidity.
And then sometimes you eat way too many mushrooms and find yourself chasing taxi cabs in the freezing cold until a friendly bouncer informs you it's illegal for them to stop in that spot.
And sometimes you find yourself drinking drugstore jugwine on the Tulane campus at 7 in the morning on a Monday heckling kids jogging and going to class and generally having their lives together. Ya we never made it to the passport office that day.
And sometimes you spend 20 minutes at a blackjack table and make $200 and proceed to drink every dime of it in the next 2 hours.
Holy shit I am excited for tonight. I will be posting again very soon I promise to regale all with the adventures from the weekend. God bless and wish me luck!!! I feel like I'm about to skydive straight into a wildfire.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
But I like cake!!!
Moving on...keeping it trucking.
Do you think it was really annoying and complicated 2000 years ago when they made the switch from B.C. to A.D.? I bet everyone was really pissed off and kept dating checks wrong. People kept using it as an excuse when they were late to work. It was likely a difficult transition but after a few months everyone was like "This makes so much more sense! What the hell were we counting down to anyway?"
So now that what's her name no longer exists there's a new problem I'm tackling...getting rid of these relationship pounds. It's funny how easy it is to develop a nice and comfortable fat ass when you're in a healthy relationship. The thought process makes so much sense! "Hmmm...there's a beautiful girl that seems to really like my personality and she is still banging me. I have no need to impress anyone ever!" And then all of a sudden cake starts tasting way better than it did before. The next thing you know you've put on about 20 pounds and then she goes to Denver and holy crap I'm single again. Shit! Now I have to rely on my winning personality and sense of humor to get me laid! You know losing weight was always easy before because I had jobs that required me to run around and do stuff all the time. They also interfered with my meals so I never ate and ran around slinging drinks for ten hours at a time...now that's an easy diet! But now my life is planning and meeting and sitting and discussing shit all day and I'm not losing weight as fast as before. I should start bartending again. Start bartending...lose weight...bang pretty ladies. Worked last time!!
You know I've always wanted abs but I feel like they're slowly drifting away. Abs to me are like Wilson in Cast Away...they're just floating away and I am an insane bearded hermit yelling from my raft. "Abs!!!! I'm sorry abs!! I love you but sit-ups suck balls! Come back!!"
I have been addressing my unhealthy lifestyle lately and it has been good. I go for these little walk-jogs on the Beltline and listen to Steve Winwood and I feel pretty good. I don't think I want to get too obsessed with it though. If I get really motivated and really become obsessed with staying in shape and change my diet and start limiting my drinking and then I get cancer in a couple years I am going to be fucking PISSED! That's what happened to Steve Jobs. Dude ate nothing but fruit and was all disciplined and focused on his health and now he's dead. Wow what a waste of time...of course his retarded belief in holistic medicine was also a factor. But there you go...super healthy people die all the time. It's really a roll of the dice. For now I'm going to keep having fun but going outside and giving myself a heart-attack on occasion probably isn't such a bad idea either.
Do you think it was really annoying and complicated 2000 years ago when they made the switch from B.C. to A.D.? I bet everyone was really pissed off and kept dating checks wrong. People kept using it as an excuse when they were late to work. It was likely a difficult transition but after a few months everyone was like "This makes so much more sense! What the hell were we counting down to anyway?"
So now that what's her name no longer exists there's a new problem I'm tackling...getting rid of these relationship pounds. It's funny how easy it is to develop a nice and comfortable fat ass when you're in a healthy relationship. The thought process makes so much sense! "Hmmm...there's a beautiful girl that seems to really like my personality and she is still banging me. I have no need to impress anyone ever!" And then all of a sudden cake starts tasting way better than it did before. The next thing you know you've put on about 20 pounds and then she goes to Denver and holy crap I'm single again. Shit! Now I have to rely on my winning personality and sense of humor to get me laid! You know losing weight was always easy before because I had jobs that required me to run around and do stuff all the time. They also interfered with my meals so I never ate and ran around slinging drinks for ten hours at a time...now that's an easy diet! But now my life is planning and meeting and sitting and discussing shit all day and I'm not losing weight as fast as before. I should start bartending again. Start bartending...lose weight...bang pretty ladies. Worked last time!!
You know I've always wanted abs but I feel like they're slowly drifting away. Abs to me are like Wilson in Cast Away...they're just floating away and I am an insane bearded hermit yelling from my raft. "Abs!!!! I'm sorry abs!! I love you but sit-ups suck balls! Come back!!"
I have been addressing my unhealthy lifestyle lately and it has been good. I go for these little walk-jogs on the Beltline and listen to Steve Winwood and I feel pretty good. I don't think I want to get too obsessed with it though. If I get really motivated and really become obsessed with staying in shape and change my diet and start limiting my drinking and then I get cancer in a couple years I am going to be fucking PISSED! That's what happened to Steve Jobs. Dude ate nothing but fruit and was all disciplined and focused on his health and now he's dead. Wow what a waste of time...of course his retarded belief in holistic medicine was also a factor. But there you go...super healthy people die all the time. It's really a roll of the dice. For now I'm going to keep having fun but going outside and giving myself a heart-attack on occasion probably isn't such a bad idea either.
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