So this year for Halloween I really wanted to be a dinosaur. Is that too much to ask?? A grown-ass man wanting to dress up like a dinosaur??? It is freaking IMPOSSIBLE to find a proper dinosaur costume anywhere in the United States. Oh I eventually found one...it was in Hong Kong. Way too far away to have it by today. Oh well...it looks like one more Greenman will be drunkenly wandering the streets of New Orleans tonight.
Halloween in New Orleans!!! Oh my lord I can't wait to see the freaks that are produced by that weird-ass city. I mean I will be wearing a full bodysuit of green spandex and I'll be just another tourist. Now granted the majority of my time will be spent listening to the greatest rock band on the planet but after the show it should only be about 12:30 which is when the sociopaths are injecting one last bit of smack to stay juiced up to sell bunk coke to tourists and search for the whores that don't have any visible cold sores. Hey that rhymed!
New Orleans is definitely one of my favorite cities. I actually have bestowed on it the honor of being my favorite city that I never want to live in. I don't think I could handle it. The place also smells kind of funny but I'm sure that's just the drunken failure running down the gutters every day at 4 in the morning. I mean Bourbon Street is fine but obviously you have to get off Bourbon to get the real jest of the place. However, there was a time on Bourbon when a certain friend of mine maxed out his Amex on tag-team blowjobs from two strippers he fell in love with the first night we got there. I woke up to this fine upstanding gentleman trying to report his card stolen the next morning. When they brought up the affidavit he would need to sign he promptly hung up and reveled in his own stupidity.
And then sometimes you eat way too many mushrooms and find yourself chasing taxi cabs in the freezing cold until a friendly bouncer informs you it's illegal for them to stop in that spot.
And sometimes you find yourself drinking drugstore jugwine on the Tulane campus at 7 in the morning on a Monday heckling kids jogging and going to class and generally having their lives together. Ya we never made it to the passport office that day.
And sometimes you spend 20 minutes at a blackjack table and make $200 and proceed to drink every dime of it in the next 2 hours.
Holy shit I am excited for tonight. I will be posting again very soon I promise to regale all with the adventures from the weekend. God bless and wish me luck!!! I feel like I'm about to skydive straight into a wildfire.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
But I like cake!!!
Moving on...keeping it trucking.
Do you think it was really annoying and complicated 2000 years ago when they made the switch from B.C. to A.D.? I bet everyone was really pissed off and kept dating checks wrong. People kept using it as an excuse when they were late to work. It was likely a difficult transition but after a few months everyone was like "This makes so much more sense! What the hell were we counting down to anyway?"
So now that what's her name no longer exists there's a new problem I'm tackling...getting rid of these relationship pounds. It's funny how easy it is to develop a nice and comfortable fat ass when you're in a healthy relationship. The thought process makes so much sense! "Hmmm...there's a beautiful girl that seems to really like my personality and she is still banging me. I have no need to impress anyone ever!" And then all of a sudden cake starts tasting way better than it did before. The next thing you know you've put on about 20 pounds and then she goes to Denver and holy crap I'm single again. Shit! Now I have to rely on my winning personality and sense of humor to get me laid! You know losing weight was always easy before because I had jobs that required me to run around and do stuff all the time. They also interfered with my meals so I never ate and ran around slinging drinks for ten hours at a time...now that's an easy diet! But now my life is planning and meeting and sitting and discussing shit all day and I'm not losing weight as fast as before. I should start bartending again. Start bartending...lose weight...bang pretty ladies. Worked last time!!
You know I've always wanted abs but I feel like they're slowly drifting away. Abs to me are like Wilson in Cast Away...they're just floating away and I am an insane bearded hermit yelling from my raft. "Abs!!!! I'm sorry abs!! I love you but sit-ups suck balls! Come back!!"
I have been addressing my unhealthy lifestyle lately and it has been good. I go for these little walk-jogs on the Beltline and listen to Steve Winwood and I feel pretty good. I don't think I want to get too obsessed with it though. If I get really motivated and really become obsessed with staying in shape and change my diet and start limiting my drinking and then I get cancer in a couple years I am going to be fucking PISSED! That's what happened to Steve Jobs. Dude ate nothing but fruit and was all disciplined and focused on his health and now he's dead. Wow what a waste of time...of course his retarded belief in holistic medicine was also a factor. But there you go...super healthy people die all the time. It's really a roll of the dice. For now I'm going to keep having fun but going outside and giving myself a heart-attack on occasion probably isn't such a bad idea either.
Do you think it was really annoying and complicated 2000 years ago when they made the switch from B.C. to A.D.? I bet everyone was really pissed off and kept dating checks wrong. People kept using it as an excuse when they were late to work. It was likely a difficult transition but after a few months everyone was like "This makes so much more sense! What the hell were we counting down to anyway?"
So now that what's her name no longer exists there's a new problem I'm tackling...getting rid of these relationship pounds. It's funny how easy it is to develop a nice and comfortable fat ass when you're in a healthy relationship. The thought process makes so much sense! "Hmmm...there's a beautiful girl that seems to really like my personality and she is still banging me. I have no need to impress anyone ever!" And then all of a sudden cake starts tasting way better than it did before. The next thing you know you've put on about 20 pounds and then she goes to Denver and holy crap I'm single again. Shit! Now I have to rely on my winning personality and sense of humor to get me laid! You know losing weight was always easy before because I had jobs that required me to run around and do stuff all the time. They also interfered with my meals so I never ate and ran around slinging drinks for ten hours at a time...now that's an easy diet! But now my life is planning and meeting and sitting and discussing shit all day and I'm not losing weight as fast as before. I should start bartending again. Start bartending...lose weight...bang pretty ladies. Worked last time!!
You know I've always wanted abs but I feel like they're slowly drifting away. Abs to me are like Wilson in Cast Away...they're just floating away and I am an insane bearded hermit yelling from my raft. "Abs!!!! I'm sorry abs!! I love you but sit-ups suck balls! Come back!!"
I have been addressing my unhealthy lifestyle lately and it has been good. I go for these little walk-jogs on the Beltline and listen to Steve Winwood and I feel pretty good. I don't think I want to get too obsessed with it though. If I get really motivated and really become obsessed with staying in shape and change my diet and start limiting my drinking and then I get cancer in a couple years I am going to be fucking PISSED! That's what happened to Steve Jobs. Dude ate nothing but fruit and was all disciplined and focused on his health and now he's dead. Wow what a waste of time...of course his retarded belief in holistic medicine was also a factor. But there you go...super healthy people die all the time. It's really a roll of the dice. For now I'm going to keep having fun but going outside and giving myself a heart-attack on occasion probably isn't such a bad idea either.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Dude True Blood freaking SUCKS now...
OK I've got an idea for a creepy scary psychological thriller and I want you guys to tell me what you think. So this really cute couple meet and start dating when they're young in the fifties. They met under some pretty amazing circumstances and it really felt like fate when they met. They graduate, get married, and have children. They have a beautiful baby boy and they are so proud but as the boy grows up they slowly start to realize as he matures that he looks vaguely familiar. The more he grows, the more they see it but neither one wants to acknowledge it at the risk of sounding crazy. He grows and grows until he gets to high school and finally the father can't take it anymore. The rage and suspicion builds in him until the one fateful night that he brings it up to his wife. She agrees, he does look like someone they remember but she can't explain it. The husband presses...he knows what this all is but she denies it. The husband goes into a insane rage, throwing furniture and screaming "liar!" all the while the wife is pleading with him to calm down. She can't explain it but she swears it's not what he thinks! He grabs a lamp and swings at her, striking her in the temple a she goes limp on the ground in a bloody heap. He grabs his trusty hunting knife from the dresser and slowly unfolds it, muttering to himself as the insanity explodes in his mind and he loses all grip of reality. "I'm not raising nobody's goddamn bastard" he says as he slowly walks into the next room where their cherished son sleeps. "Hey Dad what's with all the racket in there?" his son says. "I'm just heading down to the mall to hang with Emmit again." "Not this time you little bastard!!" he says as he plunges the knife into his son Marty's throat. Marty reaches for his father as he lies on the floor bleeding from his neck. He gradually stops fighting and clawing as the blood flows out of the hole in his neck and BOOM!!!! The universe instantaneously disappears from existence.
And THAT is my idea for a remake of Back to the Future II. I guess it's closer to the Shining but seriously...how in the hell would the parents never notice that Marty looks EXACTLY like the guy that introduced them? And dammit I had to use the word instantaneous. Shit I hate that stupid word!!!
OK I'm going to go watch TV and think about soundproof drywall.
And THAT is my idea for a remake of Back to the Future II. I guess it's closer to the Shining but seriously...how in the hell would the parents never notice that Marty looks EXACTLY like the guy that introduced them? And dammit I had to use the word instantaneous. Shit I hate that stupid word!!!
OK I'm going to go watch TV and think about soundproof drywall.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Just call me Dick Van Sprinkle...
Ahhhh....ohhhhh boy that was a nice nap. Holy spicoli nothing hits the spot like closing your eyes for a minute and just not doing crap for a while. Let me just jump on the old internet machine here and see what I missed. Whoa what the farts??? Who messed with the calendar thingy on my desktop? Has it seriously been almost two years since I was on here? Oh my God! Two years of my life gone...Nooooooooo!!!!!!!
OK be calm...let's get the butler in here. He'll explain everything. Tanjit, what the hell happened? Uh huh...OK so I remember working at the bar at Nap's. And then someone handed me a red pill and a glass of corn liquor and I vaguely remember waking up in a pod filled with pink goo and hoses attached to my body. Did we reelect that boner in Washington? Ah who cares it's all the same shit. Ya ya...something about a bachelor party in Key West. No I'm not gay! It was the groom's idea, trust me. What else? Ya a couple weddings, someone had a baby, blah blah blah, New Orleans for New Years, nice. Douching around, bullshit bullshit bullshit, turned 30, gross. Wait what??? I bought a bar? When the fuck did that happen? Oh shitmonkies how the hell did I do that? It better be an awesome bar...AHHHH it's in Little Five?? I can't afford gauges in my ears! Oh and the tattoo bills holy crap! Well how's it doing? It's not open yet??? Shit!! Well when's it going to open? October?? Oh boy I've got some figuring to do. What else man? A girlfriend!! Ahhh holy shit what about that whole vow of celibacy thing you made me swear when we were taking acid in Sri Lanka that time! Well I know I wasn't serious but still! Is she cool at least? Into Phish, loves animals and bourbon. Holy shit Tanjit my head's spinning. OK let's get the jam jamming again. First things first! I need a glass of corn liquor and a red pill of some kind...
So here I am back on the pain train. I missed writing random weird things that only I ever read. I find it's quite therapeutic and I usually think I'm at least moderately funny so here I go again on my own. And stop singing Whitesnake!
So according to Tanjit I quit my job at Napoleon's to concentrate on this new venture full time. It should be a super-nice music venue called Aisle 5 here shortly and apparently I'm running the bar and kitchen. Should be healthy if it ever opens. Also if you know me it's all I talk about so I won't ramble on the details here but when it opens bring your ass and you're drinking shoes!
This new venture has also landed me smack-dab in the middle of a crackpipe circus, AKA Little 5 Points. So, in dickedge v. 5.3 or whatever the fuck number I'm on at this point I will certainly be posting my funny observations and interactions I have with the strange and noteworthy locals of my new business home. Like Tao and the crazy meth-chick with the sequins and the shaved head. I already made friends with them. OK I'll be back on as the ideas start rolling again. Keep it real my little chickadees.
OK be calm...let's get the butler in here. He'll explain everything. Tanjit, what the hell happened? Uh huh...OK so I remember working at the bar at Nap's. And then someone handed me a red pill and a glass of corn liquor and I vaguely remember waking up in a pod filled with pink goo and hoses attached to my body. Did we reelect that boner in Washington? Ah who cares it's all the same shit. Ya ya...something about a bachelor party in Key West. No I'm not gay! It was the groom's idea, trust me. What else? Ya a couple weddings, someone had a baby, blah blah blah, New Orleans for New Years, nice. Douching around, bullshit bullshit bullshit, turned 30, gross. Wait what??? I bought a bar? When the fuck did that happen? Oh shitmonkies how the hell did I do that? It better be an awesome bar...AHHHH it's in Little Five?? I can't afford gauges in my ears! Oh and the tattoo bills holy crap! Well how's it doing? It's not open yet??? Shit!! Well when's it going to open? October?? Oh boy I've got some figuring to do. What else man? A girlfriend!! Ahhh holy shit what about that whole vow of celibacy thing you made me swear when we were taking acid in Sri Lanka that time! Well I know I wasn't serious but still! Is she cool at least? Into Phish, loves animals and bourbon. Holy shit Tanjit my head's spinning. OK let's get the jam jamming again. First things first! I need a glass of corn liquor and a red pill of some kind...
So here I am back on the pain train. I missed writing random weird things that only I ever read. I find it's quite therapeutic and I usually think I'm at least moderately funny so here I go again on my own. And stop singing Whitesnake!
So according to Tanjit I quit my job at Napoleon's to concentrate on this new venture full time. It should be a super-nice music venue called Aisle 5 here shortly and apparently I'm running the bar and kitchen. Should be healthy if it ever opens. Also if you know me it's all I talk about so I won't ramble on the details here but when it opens bring your ass and you're drinking shoes!
This new venture has also landed me smack-dab in the middle of a crackpipe circus, AKA Little 5 Points. So, in dickedge v. 5.3 or whatever the fuck number I'm on at this point I will certainly be posting my funny observations and interactions I have with the strange and noteworthy locals of my new business home. Like Tao and the crazy meth-chick with the sequins and the shaved head. I already made friends with them. OK I'll be back on as the ideas start rolling again. Keep it real my little chickadees.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
OK so we've all been drunk before...
but I was at the restaurant tonight and there was a woman that was absolutely PLASTERED and making out with some sketch homie with a goatee at the bar. Long story short while I enjoyed my cheap 18 oz. Miller opposite from ground zero my manager had to come out and walk this woman to dude's car just to get her out of the establishment before some poor server had to mop up vomit for $2.50 an hour. Through further investigation I learned that the woman is a preschool teacher and I surmised that what with the Christmas holiday and whatnot she was celebrating the fact that she doesn't have to scream at 4 year olds for 8 hours tomorrow and the idea of grown-up time got the best of her and she had one too many apple sugar gumdrop-tinis and decided she was going to teach that dickhead of an ex-husband a thing or two. As she's being dragged to the imaginary border of non-lawsuitville I look over at Ashlee the bar stewardess and say "heh...I remember my first beer." Now this is a completely unoriginal remark that I stole from the movie "Stepbrothers" and I feel like there needs to be more funny remarks people can make when some dork illustrates for the world how much of an upstanding fuckup they are. So...here is what I can come up with at 3:06 in the morning:
Someone get this guy on some heavy machinery!
Shit...in that state Hemingway would be reeling in a marlin.
Hi! I'm Shitfaced...meet you in the bathroom?
Thank God...I was starting to think those pills were bullshit.
Someone's pulling a Matrix in the morning. (A Matrix is when you sneak around your office from cubicle to cubicle avoiding interaction with any authority figure a la Neo at the beginning of the Matrix. It's also when you lean back limbo-style and dodge something being thrown at you or narrowly miss being hit by a subway train.)
You know what, I'm feeling creative...I think I'm going to draw a vagina on your face tonight for a change.
No seriously I'm interested...what is your opinion of Ron Paul's stance on a nuclear Iran and do you think he could gather the momentum and campaign funds to win the Iowa caucuses?
You know your child support's due in the morning, right?
Youtube's gonna love this!
Boy, the last time I was that drunk was when I found out Obama won the election.
Boy, the last time I was that drunk was when I found out I missed the McRib by a day.
Boy, the last time I was that drunk was when I had box seats for Bananarama.
(To a dude) Don't worry...I'm sure he'll call...faggot.
(To a girl) Ya...he won't be calling. What're you doing later?
(To a girl) You ever sat on someone's face in a porta-potty? Oh...uhhh...you like Nicolas Cage movies?
Shit! And here I am fresh outta lube.
Wait, wait you dropped something...is this your baby?
Sir, I'm going to need to see some proof of citizenship...no sir you go fuck YOURself.
How much cash you got on you? Ah hell you're good...I've bribed a cop with way less.
Good thing that chick's got a vomit fetish.
Dude she's totally into you...although I do think you need to flex more.
Pants are for pussies!!
I'm Mr. Charles, the head of your security down here. I specialize in a very specific type of security...subconscious security. I am here to protect you in the event that someone tries to access your mind through your dreams. They're coming for you...
You in a band, bro?
OK that's all I got for now but if any more come to me I will definitely be posting them in some form as soon as possible. Please everyone, please take alcoholism seriously and do everything you can to mock and fuck with people that can't handle their shit. If they're really young it will build they're character and sense of humor and if they're old fuck 'em they should have learned by now. Good night and good luck.
Someone get this guy on some heavy machinery!
Shit...in that state Hemingway would be reeling in a marlin.
Hi! I'm Shitfaced...meet you in the bathroom?
Thank God...I was starting to think those pills were bullshit.
Someone's pulling a Matrix in the morning. (A Matrix is when you sneak around your office from cubicle to cubicle avoiding interaction with any authority figure a la Neo at the beginning of the Matrix. It's also when you lean back limbo-style and dodge something being thrown at you or narrowly miss being hit by a subway train.)
You know what, I'm feeling creative...I think I'm going to draw a vagina on your face tonight for a change.
No seriously I'm interested...what is your opinion of Ron Paul's stance on a nuclear Iran and do you think he could gather the momentum and campaign funds to win the Iowa caucuses?
You know your child support's due in the morning, right?
Youtube's gonna love this!
Boy, the last time I was that drunk was when I found out Obama won the election.
Boy, the last time I was that drunk was when I found out I missed the McRib by a day.
Boy, the last time I was that drunk was when I had box seats for Bananarama.
(To a dude) Don't worry...I'm sure he'll call...faggot.
(To a girl) Ya...he won't be calling. What're you doing later?
(To a girl) You ever sat on someone's face in a porta-potty? Oh...uhhh...you like Nicolas Cage movies?
Shit! And here I am fresh outta lube.
Wait, wait you dropped something...is this your baby?
Sir, I'm going to need to see some proof of citizenship...no sir you go fuck YOURself.
How much cash you got on you? Ah hell you're good...I've bribed a cop with way less.
Good thing that chick's got a vomit fetish.
Dude she's totally into you...although I do think you need to flex more.
Pants are for pussies!!
I'm Mr. Charles, the head of your security down here. I specialize in a very specific type of security...subconscious security. I am here to protect you in the event that someone tries to access your mind through your dreams. They're coming for you...
You in a band, bro?
OK that's all I got for now but if any more come to me I will definitely be posting them in some form as soon as possible. Please everyone, please take alcoholism seriously and do everything you can to mock and fuck with people that can't handle their shit. If they're really young it will build they're character and sense of humor and if they're old fuck 'em they should have learned by now. Good night and good luck.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Took a little break.
So sorry for the absence there boys and girls. I felt like I needed to take a break from ejaculating pure unadulterated inspiration upon the masses. Plus I couldn't come up with anything to write so I saved all of you the misery of reading something stupid that you keep thinking is going to get better if you just keep reading on. I hate when I read an article or short story that seems interesting in theory and then you start reading and it sucks but you keep reading anyway because you're like well fuck it I've gotten this far I should finish and then at the end you've wasted 8 minutes of your life learning about the logistical challenges of shipping Justin Beiber figurines out of China. I mean who hasn't been through that series of events?
So what's been happening? Well we're officially in the thick of the Holidays and I am my usual bah-humbug bitch about humanity awful self. I mean really are people still into these pointless celebrations of American excess and human insecurity? When are we going to put the Christ back in " Jesus Christ give me more pie and Xboxes or I'm gong to rip your fucking throat out you bitch!"? I don't know perhaps if I had children I would get more into it but everything about Christmas and Thanksgiving just annoys the shit out of me. People are pepper-spraying each other for video games for shit sakes! Anyway I won't go too deep into it because it has been vastly overdone but screw Christmas. Plus it's during the winter and we all know how I feel about that.
Ya I'm not sure why I didn't post for so long. Football season maybe, this new job perhaps. Oh ya I'm waiting tables now. Believe it or not it's kind of fun. The hours are strange but you can really learn a lot about people watching them eat chicken wings. It's a healthy little family place that serves a great porter and a steady clientele of quiet people who tip well. And I think I'm taking to the restaurant life like a duck to water. I mean really, I'm already an alcoholic, I like sleeping in late, I smile a lot and I enjoy getting paid for tasks that don't require much thought...sounds like a dream job to me!! Actually it's working out well and I've entered a bit of a holding pattern for now.
I want to jump on a topic real quick that I've never touched on and I hope ya'll will be receptive to it. Now just do me a favor and finish the paragraph before you shit all over you're computer chairs and stop answering my texts when I'm looking for people to sniff glue with. I am sympathetic to pedophiles. There I said it. No I am not myself a child fucker nor do I know any personally but since the last time I posted it seems like it has become an incredibly fashionable thing to fuck children if you work for a division 1 college athletic program. I'm not completely sure how this particular fad caught on but I equate it with words with friends and faux hawks in that I really don't get it and I'm very comfortable that I never bought in to the trend. So anyway, people are born the way they are. Homosexuality, without a doubt, is a born state of being that people live with and accept and are able to gain happiness from. So is a foot fetish. So is fucking pastrami sandwiches dressed as Joan Rivers with baking utensils shoved up your ass covered in goats blood under a full moon with Asian businessmen throwing mayonnaise at you. And honestly...so is being a pedophile. Those people are born that way and I feel deeply sorry for them that they have to carry such an unspeakable trait of their personality for their entire lives. However, you can be a pedophile and do the right thing and save a shit ton of innocent lives and that is kill yourself. Seriously, if you have something that you were born with that you can't control that is going to force you to destroy human beings I don't give a fuck if you write We are the World or if you cure cancer or invent the hover board someone else will too and the world will be just fine if you kill yourself. If you don't then you deserve whatever happens to you but I think the American media should start advertising more to the world that if you have a major problem that you can't control and you aren't going to attempt to treat it you need to rid the world of your existence. And seriously, leave a note and if you say in it "I was going to start fucking kids but I killed myself instead" you should get a fucking postmortem medal for being an awesome human being. OK I'm done with the baby-rape talk now I will move on.
I'm going to be honest with ya'll...I really wanted this to be an epic post since I haven't written in a while but sometimes inspiration doesn't come as freely as you would think. All of my friends, all of you that read this make me as happy as I could ever imagine being. And isn't that our goal? To be happy? To get some good laughs in before we're dead and over? Drinking beers and making boner jokes with the people I love truly makes feel like I'm making something out of this existence. Of course that sounds stupid but times when I was fucked up and talking shit with people that I know have my back is when I have truly felt comfortable and happy. I'm in a holding pattern right now. I've had a shitty year and I'm evaluating what I want out of my life. There are so many people that don't have that freedom. It's a cliche but seriously I have nothing but first world problems. Every job I have had since graduation has provided me with plenty of currency but nothing in the way of actual value. I was strong and ready to take it on and had a seven foot boner with every paycheck that was direct deposited into my account. Was I happy? Honestly...of course not. It sucked, it hindered my self-confidence and I decided to make a change. I went on the road thinking that would do it but of course I came back home and had the same questions and confusions I did before. I did learn some stuff about the world and did gain some confidence in my ability to survive but I came back and I was still me. I'm working on it though and when the time comes I'm sure I'll figure out something. Well that was a little whiny and touchy feely but I don't think I'm going to delete it.
Well I'm going to try and post a lot more often here on out guys. It's weird times for everybody and I find this blog to be very therapeutic. And I promise I won't get as gay and deep as I did here in the future. We got New Years...we got Justice...we got any number of amazing and awe-inspiring excuses to get fucked up in the coming months and I'm gonna brag about all of it to ya'll bitches.
So what's been happening? Well we're officially in the thick of the Holidays and I am my usual bah-humbug bitch about humanity awful self. I mean really are people still into these pointless celebrations of American excess and human insecurity? When are we going to put the Christ back in " Jesus Christ give me more pie and Xboxes or I'm gong to rip your fucking throat out you bitch!"? I don't know perhaps if I had children I would get more into it but everything about Christmas and Thanksgiving just annoys the shit out of me. People are pepper-spraying each other for video games for shit sakes! Anyway I won't go too deep into it because it has been vastly overdone but screw Christmas. Plus it's during the winter and we all know how I feel about that.
Ya I'm not sure why I didn't post for so long. Football season maybe, this new job perhaps. Oh ya I'm waiting tables now. Believe it or not it's kind of fun. The hours are strange but you can really learn a lot about people watching them eat chicken wings. It's a healthy little family place that serves a great porter and a steady clientele of quiet people who tip well. And I think I'm taking to the restaurant life like a duck to water. I mean really, I'm already an alcoholic, I like sleeping in late, I smile a lot and I enjoy getting paid for tasks that don't require much thought...sounds like a dream job to me!! Actually it's working out well and I've entered a bit of a holding pattern for now.
I want to jump on a topic real quick that I've never touched on and I hope ya'll will be receptive to it. Now just do me a favor and finish the paragraph before you shit all over you're computer chairs and stop answering my texts when I'm looking for people to sniff glue with. I am sympathetic to pedophiles. There I said it. No I am not myself a child fucker nor do I know any personally but since the last time I posted it seems like it has become an incredibly fashionable thing to fuck children if you work for a division 1 college athletic program. I'm not completely sure how this particular fad caught on but I equate it with words with friends and faux hawks in that I really don't get it and I'm very comfortable that I never bought in to the trend. So anyway, people are born the way they are. Homosexuality, without a doubt, is a born state of being that people live with and accept and are able to gain happiness from. So is a foot fetish. So is fucking pastrami sandwiches dressed as Joan Rivers with baking utensils shoved up your ass covered in goats blood under a full moon with Asian businessmen throwing mayonnaise at you. And honestly...so is being a pedophile. Those people are born that way and I feel deeply sorry for them that they have to carry such an unspeakable trait of their personality for their entire lives. However, you can be a pedophile and do the right thing and save a shit ton of innocent lives and that is kill yourself. Seriously, if you have something that you were born with that you can't control that is going to force you to destroy human beings I don't give a fuck if you write We are the World or if you cure cancer or invent the hover board someone else will too and the world will be just fine if you kill yourself. If you don't then you deserve whatever happens to you but I think the American media should start advertising more to the world that if you have a major problem that you can't control and you aren't going to attempt to treat it you need to rid the world of your existence. And seriously, leave a note and if you say in it "I was going to start fucking kids but I killed myself instead" you should get a fucking postmortem medal for being an awesome human being. OK I'm done with the baby-rape talk now I will move on.
I'm going to be honest with ya'll...I really wanted this to be an epic post since I haven't written in a while but sometimes inspiration doesn't come as freely as you would think. All of my friends, all of you that read this make me as happy as I could ever imagine being. And isn't that our goal? To be happy? To get some good laughs in before we're dead and over? Drinking beers and making boner jokes with the people I love truly makes feel like I'm making something out of this existence. Of course that sounds stupid but times when I was fucked up and talking shit with people that I know have my back is when I have truly felt comfortable and happy. I'm in a holding pattern right now. I've had a shitty year and I'm evaluating what I want out of my life. There are so many people that don't have that freedom. It's a cliche but seriously I have nothing but first world problems. Every job I have had since graduation has provided me with plenty of currency but nothing in the way of actual value. I was strong and ready to take it on and had a seven foot boner with every paycheck that was direct deposited into my account. Was I happy? Honestly...of course not. It sucked, it hindered my self-confidence and I decided to make a change. I went on the road thinking that would do it but of course I came back home and had the same questions and confusions I did before. I did learn some stuff about the world and did gain some confidence in my ability to survive but I came back and I was still me. I'm working on it though and when the time comes I'm sure I'll figure out something. Well that was a little whiny and touchy feely but I don't think I'm going to delete it.
Well I'm going to try and post a lot more often here on out guys. It's weird times for everybody and I find this blog to be very therapeutic. And I promise I won't get as gay and deep as I did here in the future. We got New Years...we got Justice...we got any number of amazing and awe-inspiring excuses to get fucked up in the coming months and I'm gonna brag about all of it to ya'll bitches.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
October rocks whether the Braves suck or not.
Ya the last couple of weeks have been pretty swell And ya I used the word swell, what of it???
October is the absolute most awesome badass time of year for myself and thus the entire universe for a variety of reasons that all culminate right about 4 days into the month. Let's start with the most obvious: football. Football by this time of year has taken a steroid rage-esque stanglehold on the frontal lobes of every non-vegetable human being in America and it is a breathtaking sight to watch us all drool over and brag about the spellbinding achievements of others. Sweet Lord just thinking about Drew Brees ninja-punching homo Indianapolis linebackers in front of millions of screaming lunatics makes me embarrassingly aroused. And of course the Dawgs are usually spending this time of year deciding whether we will be beaten by both Tennessee and Florida or if it will just be Florida...Let's beat the odds this year Richt! Oh football you are in the top five excuses I use to get hammered while the sun is shining.
Reason number 2: The weather. I mean duh this is an obvious one but I think October really closes the case on why the South is awesome and everything up North is awful and barren and terrible. In places like Milwaukee and Fargo and Fucktard, New Hampshire it's starting to get cold as balls and they're having to start feeding the babies more liquor and burning more animal dung to keep the frostbite from spreading. And hey that's totally fun and probably pretty cool but honestly I'd rather live down here where we can still wear shorts and not feel weird ordering a Bud Light Lime. Nope, down here it's still absolutely beautiful and all of the snow monkeys in the Northern Territories are hunkering down to begin growing their Winter coats and overeating sausages to prepare for the hibernation. Oh glorious sunshine you are fun and cool!
So what else...oh I get to go to Destin in October which sounds strange but you must understand that the famous Destin Fishing Rodeo happens throughout the month of October and on the second weekend of the month we go down there and go fishing. And if I'm lucky I am unemployed at this time of year and I can go down early and get drunk for a few extra days before we go out fishing on Saturday. Yayyy unemployment vacations!!! Well that did happen to be the case this year and Dad and I went on down early and commenced slow Florida living. Well to be honest it kind of reminded me of being back on the road. I'd put Dad to bed at like 10 and then it's just me and I go out for a drink and wind up chilling at the bar alone. It's healthy and you learn to actually appreciate the quiet and entertaining yourself. You watch all the other fools around you making jokes and trying to bang each other and you sit back and enjoy the show. So anyway the forecast was calling for 10 foot seas and we all decided that violently puking while trapped in a washing machine we paid money for was not an enjoyable Saturday and commenced return to the right side of the border.
Actually I came on back early and got to catch a SICK Widespread show that freaking ROCKED! Best Flat Foot Floozy ever. I was able to snag a tik at the last second and they really brought the heat. Ricky and I both agreed it was a phenomenal show. And then what happens the following weekend? Bassnectar and Pretty Lights!! Or Pretty Lights and Bassnectar!! However you like it but this past weekend was a blur of bass bomb ridiculousness. I went ahead and booked a hotel up in Alpharetta to limit the influenced explorations and from there it was raging awesome electronic music and wondering what the hell all these high school kids were doing out. It's a little unnerving when you see some 16 year old girl wearing a bikini and fishnets, covered in glitter and domed out of her skull on MDMA. I swear these kids today either have way overly cool parents or they are much better liars than I ever was. In any case PL and BN were incredibly awesome as well as Big Gigantic who is a personal favorite of mine. I just have a thing for any band with a saxophone...makes me feel like a film noir detective in the forties.
And Halloween's coming up and it doesn't look like I'm going to make it to the Cocktail Party again this year. It's a little depressing but maybe I'm getting too old for these 3 day drinking binges. Or maybe they just come around a little too often. There will be parties however and I guess I have to conquer that most American of dilemmas we all have to face at least once a year...what will I wear to the costume party? Shit I'm terrible at this. I'll probably cop out and just be green man but I'm very tempted to go as Bearded Ke$ha. I'd like to go as something that wouldn't completely rule out the idea of getting laid but hell if I get a few good laughs that's probably just as good and far less messy. Well have a wonderful week boils and ghouls and I'll catch you on the flipside.
October is the absolute most awesome badass time of year for myself and thus the entire universe for a variety of reasons that all culminate right about 4 days into the month. Let's start with the most obvious: football. Football by this time of year has taken a steroid rage-esque stanglehold on the frontal lobes of every non-vegetable human being in America and it is a breathtaking sight to watch us all drool over and brag about the spellbinding achievements of others. Sweet Lord just thinking about Drew Brees ninja-punching homo Indianapolis linebackers in front of millions of screaming lunatics makes me embarrassingly aroused. And of course the Dawgs are usually spending this time of year deciding whether we will be beaten by both Tennessee and Florida or if it will just be Florida...Let's beat the odds this year Richt! Oh football you are in the top five excuses I use to get hammered while the sun is shining.
Reason number 2: The weather. I mean duh this is an obvious one but I think October really closes the case on why the South is awesome and everything up North is awful and barren and terrible. In places like Milwaukee and Fargo and Fucktard, New Hampshire it's starting to get cold as balls and they're having to start feeding the babies more liquor and burning more animal dung to keep the frostbite from spreading. And hey that's totally fun and probably pretty cool but honestly I'd rather live down here where we can still wear shorts and not feel weird ordering a Bud Light Lime. Nope, down here it's still absolutely beautiful and all of the snow monkeys in the Northern Territories are hunkering down to begin growing their Winter coats and overeating sausages to prepare for the hibernation. Oh glorious sunshine you are fun and cool!
So what else...oh I get to go to Destin in October which sounds strange but you must understand that the famous Destin Fishing Rodeo happens throughout the month of October and on the second weekend of the month we go down there and go fishing. And if I'm lucky I am unemployed at this time of year and I can go down early and get drunk for a few extra days before we go out fishing on Saturday. Yayyy unemployment vacations!!! Well that did happen to be the case this year and Dad and I went on down early and commenced slow Florida living. Well to be honest it kind of reminded me of being back on the road. I'd put Dad to bed at like 10 and then it's just me and I go out for a drink and wind up chilling at the bar alone. It's healthy and you learn to actually appreciate the quiet and entertaining yourself. You watch all the other fools around you making jokes and trying to bang each other and you sit back and enjoy the show. So anyway the forecast was calling for 10 foot seas and we all decided that violently puking while trapped in a washing machine we paid money for was not an enjoyable Saturday and commenced return to the right side of the border.
Actually I came on back early and got to catch a SICK Widespread show that freaking ROCKED! Best Flat Foot Floozy ever. I was able to snag a tik at the last second and they really brought the heat. Ricky and I both agreed it was a phenomenal show. And then what happens the following weekend? Bassnectar and Pretty Lights!! Or Pretty Lights and Bassnectar!! However you like it but this past weekend was a blur of bass bomb ridiculousness. I went ahead and booked a hotel up in Alpharetta to limit the influenced explorations and from there it was raging awesome electronic music and wondering what the hell all these high school kids were doing out. It's a little unnerving when you see some 16 year old girl wearing a bikini and fishnets, covered in glitter and domed out of her skull on MDMA. I swear these kids today either have way overly cool parents or they are much better liars than I ever was. In any case PL and BN were incredibly awesome as well as Big Gigantic who is a personal favorite of mine. I just have a thing for any band with a saxophone...makes me feel like a film noir detective in the forties.
And Halloween's coming up and it doesn't look like I'm going to make it to the Cocktail Party again this year. It's a little depressing but maybe I'm getting too old for these 3 day drinking binges. Or maybe they just come around a little too often. There will be parties however and I guess I have to conquer that most American of dilemmas we all have to face at least once a year...what will I wear to the costume party? Shit I'm terrible at this. I'll probably cop out and just be green man but I'm very tempted to go as Bearded Ke$ha. I'd like to go as something that wouldn't completely rule out the idea of getting laid but hell if I get a few good laughs that's probably just as good and far less messy. Well have a wonderful week boils and ghouls and I'll catch you on the flipside.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Could weaponized Rabies be the mutated zombie super-virus that finally starts the Apocolypse?
OK I have a question for the masses...does Hollywood know when it makes a shitty movie? I just watched Waterworld (ya...that whole freaking movie) and literally every 30 seconds I was seeing something that didn't make any sense whatsoever. I mean holy shit so the entire plot is worked around this little girl with a tattoo of a map to dry land on her back. You know what this map is? It's a circle with an arrow on it. How freaking stupid is having a map when everything is water. And nobody once asks this little girl where she got the tattoo. Another hole in that plot...where did all the bad guys get the cigarettes? I mean I know it was a requirement with mid-nineties movies that bad guys had to smoke but I found it a bit difficult to explain in this film. If only Nicolas Cage could have been in it....
Getting back to my point, does Hollywood know when it makes a piece of shit movie. There has to be incredibly intelligent people out there writing these movies. Are they convinced what they've written is good or do they think the American people are stupid enough to think it's cool and thus produce a sizeable profit with the least amount of intellectual labor. Honestly I believe it's the latter. We cater to and worship awful morons in this country and I think Hollywood is going to continue to push turds onto the movie screen as long as assholes are keeping those Jersey Shore mongoloids high in the ratings. Retardary and obnoxiousness are valued in our culture and that is why everything sucks here now. I am certainly not against a private industry making profits and I believe deeply in free trade and capitalism but I am very convinced that the search for profits in Hollywood has destroyed an artform in America and that is a fucking shame. For God sakes did you guys see Green Lantern? We've become lab rats giving measured reactions to flashing lights and pretty colors. No spirits, no passion, no excitement and no good taste in anything. Of course can I really talk shit? I want to start a George Michael cover band and Roswell is one of my favorite shows of all time. Nah...I ain't apologizing for that. The WB was the Renaissance of teen TV (miss you Buffy).
Destin...I love you. You are a perfect combination of redneck water worship and snooty housewives swiping their souls away in outlet malls. Of crystal-clean white beaches with young blonds wearing skimpy bathing suits and alcoholic illiterate wharf rats gutting mackerel in the sun. This week we go down for the rodeo and I am extremely pumped. I probably should live in Florida. My three favorite things are fishing, not wearing shoes, and drinking beer. Of course I can technically do all of those things here but it's so much more awesome down there. OK I'm not getting on a rant about moving to Florida. Shit I've got the state of Georgia tattooed on my back! With an arrow, pointing up! And it leads to dry land!
Oh so they let Amanda Knox out today! Good for her...go America!! I was thinking earlier how funny it would be if her parents get her back here and they immediately go eat at Olive Garden. That would crack me up.
No I haven't gotten a job yet. There are too many activities coming up. I know that sounds shitty but it's really hard to start a new job and then immediately be like "I'm gonna need the next few weekends off." I will get something soon though. I have to. For Christ sake I'm watching Waterworld!
Man I don't have that many ideas this week...Fishing and beach-bumming it for the next few days so I should have some material here next week. Later peeps!
Getting back to my point, does Hollywood know when it makes a piece of shit movie. There has to be incredibly intelligent people out there writing these movies. Are they convinced what they've written is good or do they think the American people are stupid enough to think it's cool and thus produce a sizeable profit with the least amount of intellectual labor. Honestly I believe it's the latter. We cater to and worship awful morons in this country and I think Hollywood is going to continue to push turds onto the movie screen as long as assholes are keeping those Jersey Shore mongoloids high in the ratings. Retardary and obnoxiousness are valued in our culture and that is why everything sucks here now. I am certainly not against a private industry making profits and I believe deeply in free trade and capitalism but I am very convinced that the search for profits in Hollywood has destroyed an artform in America and that is a fucking shame. For God sakes did you guys see Green Lantern? We've become lab rats giving measured reactions to flashing lights and pretty colors. No spirits, no passion, no excitement and no good taste in anything. Of course can I really talk shit? I want to start a George Michael cover band and Roswell is one of my favorite shows of all time. Nah...I ain't apologizing for that. The WB was the Renaissance of teen TV (miss you Buffy).
Destin...I love you. You are a perfect combination of redneck water worship and snooty housewives swiping their souls away in outlet malls. Of crystal-clean white beaches with young blonds wearing skimpy bathing suits and alcoholic illiterate wharf rats gutting mackerel in the sun. This week we go down for the rodeo and I am extremely pumped. I probably should live in Florida. My three favorite things are fishing, not wearing shoes, and drinking beer. Of course I can technically do all of those things here but it's so much more awesome down there. OK I'm not getting on a rant about moving to Florida. Shit I've got the state of Georgia tattooed on my back! With an arrow, pointing up! And it leads to dry land!
Oh so they let Amanda Knox out today! Good for her...go America!! I was thinking earlier how funny it would be if her parents get her back here and they immediately go eat at Olive Garden. That would crack me up.
No I haven't gotten a job yet. There are too many activities coming up. I know that sounds shitty but it's really hard to start a new job and then immediately be like "I'm gonna need the next few weekends off." I will get something soon though. I have to. For Christ sake I'm watching Waterworld!
Man I don't have that many ideas this week...Fishing and beach-bumming it for the next few days so I should have some material here next week. Later peeps!
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Braves are blowing it, Dawgs are sucking it, and I'm still karate chopping the sheetrock.
Oh boy where to begin...oh I know! Jew weddings are fucking SWEET!!! Holy crap so we went to this wedding last week and a certain young schlemiel I know from when I was slinging rock and working hoes down by Oak Lane decided to marry a lovely young lady that has one connection or another to North Carolina and we went deep into meth country to watch these two darling people get married in front of the back 9. It was a lovely ceremony and it involved breaking stuff. So anyway we leave the ceremony and I'm wanting to get to the bar ASAP because I was missing the Bulldawgs completely shit the bed and let a team called the Cocks, the freaking COCKS, have their miserable way with us!! The reception was extremely fun however and after watching the game on my phone which was mind-blowing technology to me (I accidentally managed to scream Touchdown! in the middle of the daddy/daughter dance) they placed the couple on chairs and bounced them around all over the dance floor. And THEEEEENNNNNN a bunch of people grabbed hands and started running in circles like freaking lunatics and everyone was rocking out and impressively drunk and it was quite the enjoyable show. Thanks to the Grizzly Bert and the Deermonster for saying funny stuff the whole time and not giving me crappola about cheating on the whole no smoking thing. That waitress at Cracker Barrel was starting to get a little too comfortable by the time we were leaving.
Sooooooo...well from there it was mostly time to hang out and do stuff; two things I am very surprised were not offered as majors at Georgia and I am greatly offended by that. Oh ya my prodigy from another progeny Collin "Right" Herr came to visit for like 7 hours and we got to watch the Braves win I believe. Did they win? I can't quite remember, my memory is clouded from the 53 pounds of heroin-esque divinity that is Popeye's chicken. Boner city my boy...boner city. So ya I got to see the Braves again before they starting shitting all over themselves and doing everything they can to let the St. Louis Monkey Fisters take the freaking wildcard. Maybe if we let Derek Lowe take a bottle of Crown and a stripper out to the mound he'd quit giving up home runs. Just rent him a fur bus on the way home or something...can't have him screwing up the rotation with court dates all the time.
This week's word of wisdom: It is still possible to get a chilli cheese burrito from Taco Bell. There is one Taco Bell left on the planet that still serves this tasty dose of genius stoner food and it is located in the Lenox Mall Food Court. Go there. Eat it. Know life.
I also got to go camping on Saturday which was a hoot and a holler. Basically Trey "The Greencard" Slinkard and Jackie "The African Shenanigan" Bartleet and I went to the woods and got fucked up. Greencard made pork tenderloin on the rustiest cooking appliance I've ever been party to. Breaking through the haze of McCormick's and Mountain Dew I was slamming along with the tasty coffee drinks we all were enjoying was a very delicious forest dish that completely covered up the taste of deteriorating steel that peppered the grilled vegetables. I was very pleased and I always have fun with my number one favorite couple in the greater Chamblee area. They stick with what works and I respect that. Also congrats on the engagement you guys! I've always wanted to be proposed to on stage with Creed right when they break into the bridge of "Higher" and I'd rip off my t-shirt, grab the mic from what's his name, and scream "Ahhhhh Yaaaaaaa" right when all the pyrotechnics and sparks exploded and it would be the most epic and badass slaughterfuck of a proposal any man has every received from the red-headed chick from True Blood. However...doing it atop the Arc de Triomphe in Paris is pretty freaking cool too. Good job guys.
Well Screw Baloo what the fuck else is going on. So I've been reading some history lately and I've come to a conclusion about my heritage and that of the entire human race. Every development by man since the dawn of civilization has been based on murder and corruption and rape and evil and greed and everything else that is scary in the world. America, The Catholic Church, the NCAA, Cabbage Patch Kids, Dental Dams (which by the way are 6 bucks a piece!) are all built on and exist because someone in history raped somebody. It's freaking horrid and weird when you think about it. Every good thing that has ever happened was possible because someone got screwed over or murdered at some point in history. Hell we could start simple...think about mushrooms. Not trip-balls mushrooms I'm talking about the tasty happy mushrooms I get in my calzone every other Thursday. Have you ever thought about how many people in history had to die to figure out that that was a tasty and safe thing to eat? I mean I would probably be OK if I had never had a mushroom in my life...did all those thousands of people have to die just so I could have one more topping on my salad along with the bacon and three pounds of ranch dressing cheese mixture? I wonder if 2000 years ago Caesar Nero had dozens of Christians lined up in a row in his palace (it was a sick casino) and force-fed them whatever random shit he found or had gathered off the ground and if they died or starting shitting all over the place he made a note not to eat that and then he raped and tortured them and thus civilization and the culinary arts were born! Again a facet of our society based on evil and torture. Anyway its unsettling.
Hehehe Ryan just told me about this thing called Smokoing someone. It's a lot like that Icing retardery only you have to chug both a Smirnoff Ice and a Four Loco and you have to do this with neither your head or rectum exploding. When you do it to someone you can scream "oh damn bitch you just got SMOKO'd!!!! I'm gonna go beat the shit outta your dad you vaginal bitchnose!!!! HAHAHAHA!!!" and then you're automatically awesome for the next 24 hours.
Well whereto next you ask? Well the Damnable Danny Jackson himself is taking a second swing at the institution of marriage so I get one more weekend of free drinks and singing "Shout" obnoxiously with the band and tomorrow I have an information session at GSU for this program that sounds enticing and time-consuming. Tonight I have to pack a bunch of random books and stuff in my backpack so I don't look like a weirdo walking around campus. God bless chili dogs! Peace!
Sooooooo...well from there it was mostly time to hang out and do stuff; two things I am very surprised were not offered as majors at Georgia and I am greatly offended by that. Oh ya my prodigy from another progeny Collin "Right" Herr came to visit for like 7 hours and we got to watch the Braves win I believe. Did they win? I can't quite remember, my memory is clouded from the 53 pounds of heroin-esque divinity that is Popeye's chicken. Boner city my boy...boner city. So ya I got to see the Braves again before they starting shitting all over themselves and doing everything they can to let the St. Louis Monkey Fisters take the freaking wildcard. Maybe if we let Derek Lowe take a bottle of Crown and a stripper out to the mound he'd quit giving up home runs. Just rent him a fur bus on the way home or something...can't have him screwing up the rotation with court dates all the time.
This week's word of wisdom: It is still possible to get a chilli cheese burrito from Taco Bell. There is one Taco Bell left on the planet that still serves this tasty dose of genius stoner food and it is located in the Lenox Mall Food Court. Go there. Eat it. Know life.
I also got to go camping on Saturday which was a hoot and a holler. Basically Trey "The Greencard" Slinkard and Jackie "The African Shenanigan" Bartleet and I went to the woods and got fucked up. Greencard made pork tenderloin on the rustiest cooking appliance I've ever been party to. Breaking through the haze of McCormick's and Mountain Dew I was slamming along with the tasty coffee drinks we all were enjoying was a very delicious forest dish that completely covered up the taste of deteriorating steel that peppered the grilled vegetables. I was very pleased and I always have fun with my number one favorite couple in the greater Chamblee area. They stick with what works and I respect that. Also congrats on the engagement you guys! I've always wanted to be proposed to on stage with Creed right when they break into the bridge of "Higher" and I'd rip off my t-shirt, grab the mic from what's his name, and scream "Ahhhhh Yaaaaaaa" right when all the pyrotechnics and sparks exploded and it would be the most epic and badass slaughterfuck of a proposal any man has every received from the red-headed chick from True Blood. However...doing it atop the Arc de Triomphe in Paris is pretty freaking cool too. Good job guys.
Well Screw Baloo what the fuck else is going on. So I've been reading some history lately and I've come to a conclusion about my heritage and that of the entire human race. Every development by man since the dawn of civilization has been based on murder and corruption and rape and evil and greed and everything else that is scary in the world. America, The Catholic Church, the NCAA, Cabbage Patch Kids, Dental Dams (which by the way are 6 bucks a piece!) are all built on and exist because someone in history raped somebody. It's freaking horrid and weird when you think about it. Every good thing that has ever happened was possible because someone got screwed over or murdered at some point in history. Hell we could start simple...think about mushrooms. Not trip-balls mushrooms I'm talking about the tasty happy mushrooms I get in my calzone every other Thursday. Have you ever thought about how many people in history had to die to figure out that that was a tasty and safe thing to eat? I mean I would probably be OK if I had never had a mushroom in my life...did all those thousands of people have to die just so I could have one more topping on my salad along with the bacon and three pounds of ranch dressing cheese mixture? I wonder if 2000 years ago Caesar Nero had dozens of Christians lined up in a row in his palace (it was a sick casino) and force-fed them whatever random shit he found or had gathered off the ground and if they died or starting shitting all over the place he made a note not to eat that and then he raped and tortured them and thus civilization and the culinary arts were born! Again a facet of our society based on evil and torture. Anyway its unsettling.
Hehehe Ryan just told me about this thing called Smokoing someone. It's a lot like that Icing retardery only you have to chug both a Smirnoff Ice and a Four Loco and you have to do this with neither your head or rectum exploding. When you do it to someone you can scream "oh damn bitch you just got SMOKO'd!!!! I'm gonna go beat the shit outta your dad you vaginal bitchnose!!!! HAHAHAHA!!!" and then you're automatically awesome for the next 24 hours.
Well whereto next you ask? Well the Damnable Danny Jackson himself is taking a second swing at the institution of marriage so I get one more weekend of free drinks and singing "Shout" obnoxiously with the band and tomorrow I have an information session at GSU for this program that sounds enticing and time-consuming. Tonight I have to pack a bunch of random books and stuff in my backpack so I don't look like a weirdo walking around campus. God bless chili dogs! Peace!
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Well that was weird...
OK I'm going to go ahead and apologize for that last post. Sometimes things seem brilliant at the time and then you read them later after the Ether has worn off and you realize it was just manically insane ranting that means nothing. Although I am very excited about String Cheese in November and I am usually a fan of cool random listings of stuff like at the beginning of Trainspotting that shit was just silly. It made me laugh but ya that was ridiculous. Although this blog is meant to be a little weird at times and frankly I like to exploit the idea that I can put absolutely anything I want on here so nevermind...apology retracted. That shit's just going to happen on here from time to time.
So the Dawgs suck donkey balls as expected and I'm pretty sure I'm going to be running into Richt up at the labor department in the very near future. And Bobo will likely be buffing hoods at 2-minute Car Wash while he listens to the Dawgs in the Roto-Rooter Shit Bowl come December. Come on guys let's get it together and keep some of you guys around! Oh well we have South Carolina this weekend and let's be frank I know they have a great recruiting class and everyone still has a boner for that Mexican quarterback of theirs but every few years South Carolina pops up on the radar and beats Georgia and then they totally shit the bed come mid-season. Granted the East is shit but get the fuck out of here....it's South Carolina. If we lose we lose but there's no reason for us to lose. Anyway that's my 2 cents. Go Dawgs!!
How come nobody ever covers songs by The Presidents of the United States of America? Lump was freaking awesome and nobody ever thinks of playing that or Peaches or anything else. The next band I join I'm going to try and get those songs covered as well as some Dinosaur Jr.
So jobsearch...blechhhh. I hated this shit last time and I'm dreading it this time. I mean it's not an emergency and I am using this time for self-improvement unlike last time: I joined the gym, I'm getting ready for this GRE business, I'm playing a lot of darts. It's healthy but I am still bored and I'm getting itchy feet. I feel like I need to get a job or I'm going to take off again. I would like to see Utah and maybe Colorado again. "NO Richard Stop It! You are not disappearing again!" "But I want to!!! It was fun last time." "I said NO!! Now stop whining and go back to work!" So ya I'm applying for some jobs and generally keeping myself occupied well-enough. I got some really good darts and with the gym and activities coming up the boredom isn't overpowering but I still want a job to float me until I have a graduate degree. I'll get something I'm sure.
By the way...how many frigging facelifts has Princess Leia had? Holy shit I just saw her on a Jenny Craig commercial and she looks like the cryptkeeper wrapped in flesh-colored Saran wrap. Oh boy that was depressing. I think I need some hot wings to rescue my soul...Later bitches!!!
So the Dawgs suck donkey balls as expected and I'm pretty sure I'm going to be running into Richt up at the labor department in the very near future. And Bobo will likely be buffing hoods at 2-minute Car Wash while he listens to the Dawgs in the Roto-Rooter Shit Bowl come December. Come on guys let's get it together and keep some of you guys around! Oh well we have South Carolina this weekend and let's be frank I know they have a great recruiting class and everyone still has a boner for that Mexican quarterback of theirs but every few years South Carolina pops up on the radar and beats Georgia and then they totally shit the bed come mid-season. Granted the East is shit but get the fuck out of here....it's South Carolina. If we lose we lose but there's no reason for us to lose. Anyway that's my 2 cents. Go Dawgs!!
How come nobody ever covers songs by The Presidents of the United States of America? Lump was freaking awesome and nobody ever thinks of playing that or Peaches or anything else. The next band I join I'm going to try and get those songs covered as well as some Dinosaur Jr.
So jobsearch...blechhhh. I hated this shit last time and I'm dreading it this time. I mean it's not an emergency and I am using this time for self-improvement unlike last time: I joined the gym, I'm getting ready for this GRE business, I'm playing a lot of darts. It's healthy but I am still bored and I'm getting itchy feet. I feel like I need to get a job or I'm going to take off again. I would like to see Utah and maybe Colorado again. "NO Richard Stop It! You are not disappearing again!" "But I want to!!! It was fun last time." "I said NO!! Now stop whining and go back to work!" So ya I'm applying for some jobs and generally keeping myself occupied well-enough. I got some really good darts and with the gym and activities coming up the boredom isn't overpowering but I still want a job to float me until I have a graduate degree. I'll get something I'm sure.
By the way...how many frigging facelifts has Princess Leia had? Holy shit I just saw her on a Jenny Craig commercial and she looks like the cryptkeeper wrapped in flesh-colored Saran wrap. Oh boy that was depressing. I think I need some hot wings to rescue my soul...Later bitches!!!
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
From the deepest canyons...
And this guy's seeing String Cheese in November!!! That's right bitches! Holy crap so many activities coming up in the near future when am I supposed to get some lame-ass job and do gay stuff? Haha just kidding guys! In any case I've totally been douchey with this blog and I promise I'll keep up with stuff.
Okie dokie so gyms are totally awful shitbag curses that feed on baby souls in hell with Satan. Haha I'm just kidding I love going to the gym especially on Gay Day!! Whatever I'm getting in shape and trying to keep everyone off my ass. And I probably should start playing in a new band. And selling tacos. And doing Yoga. Deadmau5, Pretty Lights, Bassnectar, The String Cheese Incident, The Bulldawgs, nice ladies, grilled hotdogs, bags of powdered hallucinogens, flat brims, florescents, boobs, Daddy issues, incoming Fall with temperatures above 90, forgotten dreams, achieved hopes, and delicious delicious victory for all involved.
Haha just kidding I'm just gonna keep kidding you guys forever haha just kidding that would never happen in any real sort of haha just kidding holy fucking shit I've gotta stop saying I'm just kidding haha just kidding that was the other Richard he doesn't know what he's talking about I'm in control now so now we're gonna run this blog for the rest of time hahahahaha...
Haha for real this time I am kidding Richard has taken back over of this undeletable blog that he really enjoys reading. So ya as is usually the case with regard to the exiting Summer, football season approaches and gives people legitimate excuses to stay inside on beautiful Spring-like days. I'm comfortable with that and you fucking should be too. Either balls Georgia plays Boise Twatstate on Saturday and I can not freaking wait to drink heavily and speak jibberish to midwestern children. Haha just kidding I'll totally be respectful!!
Okie dokie so gyms are totally awful shitbag curses that feed on baby souls in hell with Satan. Haha I'm just kidding I love going to the gym especially on Gay Day!! Whatever I'm getting in shape and trying to keep everyone off my ass. And I probably should start playing in a new band. And selling tacos. And doing Yoga. Deadmau5, Pretty Lights, Bassnectar, The String Cheese Incident, The Bulldawgs, nice ladies, grilled hotdogs, bags of powdered hallucinogens, flat brims, florescents, boobs, Daddy issues, incoming Fall with temperatures above 90, forgotten dreams, achieved hopes, and delicious delicious victory for all involved.
Haha just kidding I'm just gonna keep kidding you guys forever haha just kidding that would never happen in any real sort of haha just kidding holy fucking shit I've gotta stop saying I'm just kidding haha just kidding that was the other Richard he doesn't know what he's talking about I'm in control now so now we're gonna run this blog for the rest of time hahahahaha...
Haha for real this time I am kidding Richard has taken back over of this undeletable blog that he really enjoys reading. So ya as is usually the case with regard to the exiting Summer, football season approaches and gives people legitimate excuses to stay inside on beautiful Spring-like days. I'm comfortable with that and you fucking should be too. Either balls Georgia plays Boise Twatstate on Saturday and I can not freaking wait to drink heavily and speak jibberish to midwestern children. Haha just kidding I'll totally be respectful!!
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Back in the high life again...
So I have a big announcement for everyone! I have changed my name...I am now Richard Productivity Edge because productivity is my middle name! Things are being produced at an alarming rate and my time has largely been filled with me just gazing at my beautiful and productive physique in the mirror and pondering the utter productive nature of my glorious being.
So the trip ended and what did I do? I drove some more!! Actually it was lobster season in the Keys as I mentioned before and I spent the days huffing and wheezing over lobster holes diving down into the salty blue abyss and returning to the sky bearing armfuls of tasty gourmet crustaceans. Unfortunately this was during a time when I should have been unpacking the apartment so I returned to Atlanta totally refreshed and relaxed with my living space looking like some sort of super cool packaging and boxing bomb went off. Oh and on Saturday we went dolphin fishing and totally kicked ass so now I have thousands of pounds of fresh Flipper flesh that goes great with potatoes. (Editor's note: stop being gay it isn't the mammal it's the fish) Anyway the Keys were badass and I'm really glad I got to go but these 12 hour road trips are going to have to stop for a little while. Also went on a nice little side trip to West Palm to visit Captain Pat Mcmonster...oh that freaking guy never disappoints.
So now I'm back in Atlanta doing stuff. Ya know just hanging. I joined a gym which in the past has almost always been the equivalent of using paper money to smear dog shit on the kitchen table but I'm very confident this time I will go more than 4 times and abort this baby that has been growing in my gut. Other than that it's been unpacking and watching TrueBlood and getting back in the swing of whathaveyou that embodies my life. Next mission is going to be find a job and start studying for the GRE/GMAT. As long as I can stay off the couch that shouldn't be too much of a problem although our apartment does look like an opium den what with all the pillows and couches and drug paraphernalia. Braves, beer, and Bartletts tonight. Peace and I promise to keep this blog going more regularly in the future.
So the trip ended and what did I do? I drove some more!! Actually it was lobster season in the Keys as I mentioned before and I spent the days huffing and wheezing over lobster holes diving down into the salty blue abyss and returning to the sky bearing armfuls of tasty gourmet crustaceans. Unfortunately this was during a time when I should have been unpacking the apartment so I returned to Atlanta totally refreshed and relaxed with my living space looking like some sort of super cool packaging and boxing bomb went off. Oh and on Saturday we went dolphin fishing and totally kicked ass so now I have thousands of pounds of fresh Flipper flesh that goes great with potatoes. (Editor's note: stop being gay it isn't the mammal it's the fish) Anyway the Keys were badass and I'm really glad I got to go but these 12 hour road trips are going to have to stop for a little while. Also went on a nice little side trip to West Palm to visit Captain Pat Mcmonster...oh that freaking guy never disappoints.
So now I'm back in Atlanta doing stuff. Ya know just hanging. I joined a gym which in the past has almost always been the equivalent of using paper money to smear dog shit on the kitchen table but I'm very confident this time I will go more than 4 times and abort this baby that has been growing in my gut. Other than that it's been unpacking and watching TrueBlood and getting back in the swing of whathaveyou that embodies my life. Next mission is going to be find a job and start studying for the GRE/GMAT. As long as I can stay off the couch that shouldn't be too much of a problem although our apartment does look like an opium den what with all the pillows and couches and drug paraphernalia. Braves, beer, and Bartletts tonight. Peace and I promise to keep this blog going more regularly in the future.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
I Survived!!!!
OK so I made it home safe after over 1900 miles of driving in two days because I am the man. By the way...Nebraska sucks BALLS! It is flat, boring, smelly, and everyone is really fat. Other than that it was a nice drive and I walked into my apartment at 11:33 at night utterly exhausted from driving for almost 15 hours. My God what a trip. I feel like I cut it short a bit but I came home as soon as I was over it. Top picks for cities were definitely San Diego and Austin however San Francisco would have been better without all the hills. Galcier was a staggering highlight as well as Big Bend. I will definitely be doubling back to Utah as soon as possible and I need to see Yosemite but all in all I think I covered most of my bases. I think I want to go to Australia next after I spend a few months as a male prostitute and save up...assuming I can keep my crack habit under control which is obviously always the biggest question mark in anyone's existence.
Traveling like that really is quite awesome...you meet so many different people and you learn so much about people's lives and cultures and other places. I am very glad I did it and I want to do it again some day for sure. Maybe flying next time however although I am definitely no longer afraid of driving.
So what now? Shit I don't know but I think I'm going to go back to school. I definitely want to reinvent my life and existence and I need some schooling in order to do that. Bees are pretty cool...I wonder what kind of degree you need to be a beekeeper. Bees.Bees.Bees. Big money in bees. Maybe I'll sell all of my possessions and put it into bees. BUZZZZZZZ.
OK that was weird I don't know where I was giong with that. Well I'm going to keep posting stuff on here and trying to keep it funny...I'll probably go back to the really weird observations I used to have all the time since my normal life isn't nearly as interesting as me tooling around America doing silly shit and drinking with Australians. Peace!
Traveling like that really is quite awesome...you meet so many different people and you learn so much about people's lives and cultures and other places. I am very glad I did it and I want to do it again some day for sure. Maybe flying next time however although I am definitely no longer afraid of driving.
So what now? Shit I don't know but I think I'm going to go back to school. I definitely want to reinvent my life and existence and I need some schooling in order to do that. Bees are pretty cool...I wonder what kind of degree you need to be a beekeeper. Bees.Bees.Bees. Big money in bees. Maybe I'll sell all of my possessions and put it into bees. BUZZZZZZZ.
OK that was weird I don't know where I was giong with that. Well I'm going to keep posting stuff on here and trying to keep it funny...I'll probably go back to the really weird observations I used to have all the time since my normal life isn't nearly as interesting as me tooling around America doing silly shit and drinking with Australians. Peace!
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
This is how Lewis and Clark did their blog...
Why in the hell is it that when you cry your nose starts running and you wind up blowing snot rockets all over creation while having a meaningful moment looking at the Atlas and thinking about being...Jesus Christ that was the biggest goddamn mosquito I've ever killed in my life!!! Holy ballsacks on Mars I should mount that sonofabitch!! OK I'll clear things up this is being written on a pad in Grand Teton National Park next to my tent. The fat lady is singing her ass off and I just figured up the amount of miles I must traverse to be back in the Grove at Lenox Park:1847 miles. Shitdamn...I piss 1847 miles with a hangover and hemorrhoids on a Tuesday in my sleep! I ain't no pussy. ( Editor's note: I neither have hemorrhoids nor do I intend on being hungover on Tuesday but many elements have been added for dramatic effect.)
Grand Teton is the coux de gras (Sp.? Fuck the French) of my adventure and for the first time I saw them today and my God they are far more amazing than the best screensaver I've ever seen in my life. Just a few towering, majestic behemoths backlit by the sun over a massive blue lake that has to be slightly less polluted than the Chattahoochie. Tomorrow I'm going to take them on and get a good couple of hikes in before streaking across North America in a steady burn back to God's other country. I finally have found that I miss my family, my friends, and my glorious boner-inspiring pillow-top bed. When it came down to it...it was the scabies. Damn things are a bitch! I'm just kidding I haven't had anything like that but I am ready to be home after satisfying my Earth-lust out here in Wyoming. It was definitely a shitshow getting down here from Whitefish and I actually did get to see a good bit of Yellowstone in that you have to go right through the middle for 2 hours to get to GT. And honestly...meh. I mean it was cool what with all the geysers and steam and assorted other warnings of the coming apocalypse. I found it to be mostly trees and really slow-driving old fucks that have NO sensitivity toward a kid trying to haul ass to Teton before all the campsites fill up.
In any case this does mean I am nearing the end of my trip but definitely not the end of this blog for damn sure. Actually I'll probably have plenty to bitch about when I return what with the moving and getting shit caught up. Oh and guess what? The wild and wonderful Dorchaks are headed down to the Keys on the 6th and guess who they want to come? And guess who's moving on the 6th? And guess who's driving almost to Key West after moving for 2 days? Actually please excuse any negativity you might have picked during that sequence in that I absolutely ADORE every single person on this planet with the Dorchak name and if they're going snorkeling for lobster come shitrain or fucktards I'm going to be there. Like I'm sweating driving...dude I'm the drive fucking mater!!I really can't wait to be home though...I love you all and will see you very soon.
Grand Teton is the coux de gras (Sp.? Fuck the French) of my adventure and for the first time I saw them today and my God they are far more amazing than the best screensaver I've ever seen in my life. Just a few towering, majestic behemoths backlit by the sun over a massive blue lake that has to be slightly less polluted than the Chattahoochie. Tomorrow I'm going to take them on and get a good couple of hikes in before streaking across North America in a steady burn back to God's other country. I finally have found that I miss my family, my friends, and my glorious boner-inspiring pillow-top bed. When it came down to it...it was the scabies. Damn things are a bitch! I'm just kidding I haven't had anything like that but I am ready to be home after satisfying my Earth-lust out here in Wyoming. It was definitely a shitshow getting down here from Whitefish and I actually did get to see a good bit of Yellowstone in that you have to go right through the middle for 2 hours to get to GT. And honestly...meh. I mean it was cool what with all the geysers and steam and assorted other warnings of the coming apocalypse. I found it to be mostly trees and really slow-driving old fucks that have NO sensitivity toward a kid trying to haul ass to Teton before all the campsites fill up.
In any case this does mean I am nearing the end of my trip but definitely not the end of this blog for damn sure. Actually I'll probably have plenty to bitch about when I return what with the moving and getting shit caught up. Oh and guess what? The wild and wonderful Dorchaks are headed down to the Keys on the 6th and guess who they want to come? And guess who's moving on the 6th? And guess who's driving almost to Key West after moving for 2 days? Actually please excuse any negativity you might have picked during that sequence in that I absolutely ADORE every single person on this planet with the Dorchak name and if they're going snorkeling for lobster come shitrain or fucktards I'm going to be there. Like I'm sweating driving...dude I'm the drive fucking mater!!I really can't wait to be home though...I love you all and will see you very soon.
Holy Shit I'm Behind...
(Written on a pad of paper a few days ago)
So I left Seattle after some strange adventures. That Kiwi I mentioned actually turned out to be an Australian and we wound up hanging out for a couple days and I actually stayed in Seattle an extra day to check out the EMP (experience Music Project) which had this massive exhibit about Nirvana and Jimi Hendrix and all these rooms where you could play instruments and it was definitely another one of my nerdgasms...total blast and was interesting as shit. So Steve the Aussie and I go rage that shit and then say fuck it and take a ferry ride over to Bainbridge island which I knew nothing about. It turns out they have a shitload of really good wine over there and my mission to obtain Pinot Grigio for Dad was finally a success! Well...mostly. So I buy a bunch of wine on the island and we say "shit we better go catch the ferry" and run down and miss it by like a minute. At that point we had 45 minutes to kill and once again, as I have so many times on this trip, said "fuck it" and I pushed the cork in to one of Dad's bottles and we commenced to sit on the curb in the parking lot and got wino shitfaced like hobos...it was definitely one of the classier experiences so far. Anyway Steve was cool as hell and was also doing an extended tour of Geography only his is literally around the world. Now that shit's intense yet a very favorable challenge.
So I pressed onward and my next stop was to be Glacier National Park. I did not have a place to stay there but figured I'd figure something out. Instead I hollered at the awesome and glorious Elizabeth Sutton because I thought she knew people up there. She responds and gives me her friend Holly's number who I call and introduce myself. She tells me they're out of town but gives me the address and says for me to just go on in and make myself at home...the door's open. Hahaha wow really? Well hell so I plugged their address in my GPS, ride on up, go inside and crash in these people's house like I lived there! They are definitely the nicest and most laid back people on the planet. And then the neighbors saw me and I explained the situation and they invited me for dinner! There are some very nice people in Montana. Glacier was freaking GORGEOUS by the way. I know ya'll are getting sick of hearing that but Glacier was definitely the most mind-blowing thing I've seen. And there was still 3 feet of snow on the ground!! Craziness but I got some amazing pictures and had a wonderful day up there. I then returned to Whitefish where Holly and Andy had returned and they took me to another neighbor's house and i wound up drinking beer with the great-grandson of Casey Jones...the coked up train guy from the Grateful Dead song!! Celebrity number 2...check. Helluva time up there and my eternal gratitude to Holly and Andy. If they ever find themselves in Atlanta and would like to sleep in my living room they are definitely set with beers on me.
So I left Seattle after some strange adventures. That Kiwi I mentioned actually turned out to be an Australian and we wound up hanging out for a couple days and I actually stayed in Seattle an extra day to check out the EMP (experience Music Project) which had this massive exhibit about Nirvana and Jimi Hendrix and all these rooms where you could play instruments and it was definitely another one of my nerdgasms...total blast and was interesting as shit. So Steve the Aussie and I go rage that shit and then say fuck it and take a ferry ride over to Bainbridge island which I knew nothing about. It turns out they have a shitload of really good wine over there and my mission to obtain Pinot Grigio for Dad was finally a success! Well...mostly. So I buy a bunch of wine on the island and we say "shit we better go catch the ferry" and run down and miss it by like a minute. At that point we had 45 minutes to kill and once again, as I have so many times on this trip, said "fuck it" and I pushed the cork in to one of Dad's bottles and we commenced to sit on the curb in the parking lot and got wino shitfaced like hobos...it was definitely one of the classier experiences so far. Anyway Steve was cool as hell and was also doing an extended tour of Geography only his is literally around the world. Now that shit's intense yet a very favorable challenge.
So I pressed onward and my next stop was to be Glacier National Park. I did not have a place to stay there but figured I'd figure something out. Instead I hollered at the awesome and glorious Elizabeth Sutton because I thought she knew people up there. She responds and gives me her friend Holly's number who I call and introduce myself. She tells me they're out of town but gives me the address and says for me to just go on in and make myself at home...the door's open. Hahaha wow really? Well hell so I plugged their address in my GPS, ride on up, go inside and crash in these people's house like I lived there! They are definitely the nicest and most laid back people on the planet. And then the neighbors saw me and I explained the situation and they invited me for dinner! There are some very nice people in Montana. Glacier was freaking GORGEOUS by the way. I know ya'll are getting sick of hearing that but Glacier was definitely the most mind-blowing thing I've seen. And there was still 3 feet of snow on the ground!! Craziness but I got some amazing pictures and had a wonderful day up there. I then returned to Whitefish where Holly and Andy had returned and they took me to another neighbor's house and i wound up drinking beer with the great-grandson of Casey Jones...the coked up train guy from the Grateful Dead song!! Celebrity number 2...check. Helluva time up there and my eternal gratitude to Holly and Andy. If they ever find themselves in Atlanta and would like to sleep in my living room they are definitely set with beers on me.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Endor is gorgeous this time of year...
Alright guys I'm in Seattle and let's get the heroin flowing!!! I got some angst to release and ain't nobody keeping me off the needle!!! OK I'm just kidding I'm not going to do heroin but I definitely want to go see some heroin-fueled rock bands. I came as I am but my pillow ain't made of concrete.
So...Portland. Absolutely beautiful city with a lot of homeless people and really good beer...connection perhaps? Before getting there I had one of the longer burns of this trip going 10 hours through Redwood forests and gorgeous coastline out of Ft. Bragg, California. Don't ask me where it is but I slept there. So anyway I survived that awesome drive and landed at the hostel in Portland and was immediately directed to the Rogue brewery which I didn't even know was in Portland. Really cool place and I got to sample a bunch of their different beers as well as their fine line of homemade liquors which I wasn't aware of. Even got a bottle of whiskey to take home. Souvenirs are fun!
So I only got to put in a day in Portland because I'm running low on time and I shot on up to Seattle. And everything I've ever heard about Seattle is bullshit...the weather is wonderful here! Right now it's sunny and about 71 degrees and awesome. Even the beggars are in good spirits! Speaking of that...this easily the most homeless city I've been to so far. I'm getting hit up for change constently but it ain't so bad.
So last night I was craving some music and I went down to the Funhouse which is actually next door to the Space Needle and is a fantastic music venue. The band I saw was decent but they did prove my theory that a band's quality automatically jumps 2 points on a ten-point scale if they can employ a hot chick bassist. They were good but between the brownie and God-awful douche of a second act playing a mandolin and screaming gibberish, I went on home by 11:30 and was accosted several times by crackheads who I thought were going to rape me on the street and take my shoes. Fortunately that did not happen and I was able to survive for my glorious walking tour of downtown Seattle this morning. I also rode to the top of the Space Needle this afternoon so I've had a productively touristy day of fun. I'll likely go find a happy hour and some dinner here shortly and perhaps another show tonight if one is nearby. We'll see.
In any case this is sort of the halfway point of my trip although I will be home in less than 2 weeks. This trip has been every bit as refreshing and epic as I planned it to be and I am confident it will have changed me at least somewhat when I get back. I feel far more confident in myself and my ability to survive in the world. This country is massively grand and awe-inspiring and my only regret is that I hadn't done this sooner. After Seattle I think I may make a run for Glacier National Park and from there work my way down to Grand Teton. From there a couple of healthy burns downward should get me home to my bed.
Well a friendly New Zealander I met at the Space Needle earlier just stopped by the room to see if I wanted to go for drinks and I think I might oblige! I'll resist the temptation to ask how Frodo and Sam are doing with the ring situation. I love you guys and can't wait to see everyone again soon!
So...Portland. Absolutely beautiful city with a lot of homeless people and really good beer...connection perhaps? Before getting there I had one of the longer burns of this trip going 10 hours through Redwood forests and gorgeous coastline out of Ft. Bragg, California. Don't ask me where it is but I slept there. So anyway I survived that awesome drive and landed at the hostel in Portland and was immediately directed to the Rogue brewery which I didn't even know was in Portland. Really cool place and I got to sample a bunch of their different beers as well as their fine line of homemade liquors which I wasn't aware of. Even got a bottle of whiskey to take home. Souvenirs are fun!
So I only got to put in a day in Portland because I'm running low on time and I shot on up to Seattle. And everything I've ever heard about Seattle is bullshit...the weather is wonderful here! Right now it's sunny and about 71 degrees and awesome. Even the beggars are in good spirits! Speaking of that...this easily the most homeless city I've been to so far. I'm getting hit up for change constently but it ain't so bad.
So last night I was craving some music and I went down to the Funhouse which is actually next door to the Space Needle and is a fantastic music venue. The band I saw was decent but they did prove my theory that a band's quality automatically jumps 2 points on a ten-point scale if they can employ a hot chick bassist. They were good but between the brownie and God-awful douche of a second act playing a mandolin and screaming gibberish, I went on home by 11:30 and was accosted several times by crackheads who I thought were going to rape me on the street and take my shoes. Fortunately that did not happen and I was able to survive for my glorious walking tour of downtown Seattle this morning. I also rode to the top of the Space Needle this afternoon so I've had a productively touristy day of fun. I'll likely go find a happy hour and some dinner here shortly and perhaps another show tonight if one is nearby. We'll see.
In any case this is sort of the halfway point of my trip although I will be home in less than 2 weeks. This trip has been every bit as refreshing and epic as I planned it to be and I am confident it will have changed me at least somewhat when I get back. I feel far more confident in myself and my ability to survive in the world. This country is massively grand and awe-inspiring and my only regret is that I hadn't done this sooner. After Seattle I think I may make a run for Glacier National Park and from there work my way down to Grand Teton. From there a couple of healthy burns downward should get me home to my bed.
Well a friendly New Zealander I met at the Space Needle earlier just stopped by the room to see if I wanted to go for drinks and I think I might oblige! I'll resist the temptation to ask how Frodo and Sam are doing with the ring situation. I love you guys and can't wait to see everyone again soon!
Friday, July 15, 2011
Damn this toilet is starting to smell like the Sixties!
OK these hills are officially starting to own my ass. You're just strolling along enjoying the day and you say "hey I wonder what's around this corner" and then you turn and you're staring at the base of K fucking 2 but then you realize the bus stop is up there and you have to do it and then you start sweating and then the water starts getting cold on you're back and you remember what Bear Grylls said about hypothermia but you climb anyway and it's funny watching people in suits and stuff trying to negotiate super steep mountains in the middle of North Beach with little messenger bags. Oh ya North Beach is cool as hell...pizza and gelato everywhere. I think that's why I'm huffing and puffing up and down these hills...I'm eating awesome food every fifteen minutes.
By the way Haight-Ashbury was exactly what I expected it to be. There are a shitload of head shops, a shitload of drug addicts and homeless people, and every once in a while a cute little family from Minnesota satisfying the exact same impulse that took them to the San Diego Zoo. It was cool and I'm glad I got to see it but hippies, as they have since the beginning of time, still suck. Although I'm only a couple steps above a hippie so I can't talk too much shit. Golden Gate park by the way is freaking HUGE!! It's 3 miles long!! It definitely got me to thinking...Atlanta needs to step up its park situation soon. Piedmont is a baby to that monstrosity and in San Fran there are parks every other block and I'm a bit of a park guy so I wish there were more back home. I mean come on...where are the homeless people supposed to sleep and buy crank? In the street like a common dreg? That shit just ain't fair. I think I read somewhere that Atlanta has the least amount of park space of all the major cities and that sucks. Although Piedmont is a great place to have an anonymous sexual encounter for sure it just doesn't measure up to the plethora of hiding places and little nooks in Golden Gate that afford free love to flow all over the Bay Area. And be careful where you step because that free love will definitely stick to your shoe.
So Collin's got this friend Renard that is apparently very excited to show people cool stuff to eat in town and I officially feel like Anthony Bourdain minus the money and fame and coolness. We went on a taco tour the other night down in the Mission and holy shit that was freaking AWESOME! They have phenomenal taquerias out here and we went to five different ones and had a taco at each. Chorrizo and prawns and cow tongue and everything else imaginable paired with the most delicious salsas you can imagine on homemade tortillas. Needless to say I shit like Nagasaki both that night and the morning after...details that Bourdain conveniently leaves out whenever he's circling the globe eating steaming and delicious bowls of dysentery. And then last night Renard gave the green light to the second assault on my digestive system by introducing me to his favorite Thai restaurant down the way. Oh red curry spare ribs you are like spicy heroin. Although I did try to mainline them and the needle got terribly clogged. Don't try that guys...just eat them like normal.
Well what next? I'm starting to miss the great outdoors once again but I have a ticket on the Alcatraz cruise on Saturday Sean Connery style so I think I'm staying until at least Sunday morning. Collin keeps bragging about the sushi out here...we'll see what their super crunch roll does to my perspective of the universe. They probably don't have one because unlike in the South here not everything edible must be fried in oil although that does make everything better. I suppose this is turning into the Eat part of my trip if you must compare my journey to certain Julia Roberts women's empowerment movies about self-discovery. I ain't doing much praying these days but I always got a lotta love to give. Jesus that was lame. Okie dokie I gotta get my shit together and go see more stuff in this glorious town. Keep it real homies...I'll try to get one more post in before I enter the forest again because who knows when I'll have internet again. Peace!
By the way Haight-Ashbury was exactly what I expected it to be. There are a shitload of head shops, a shitload of drug addicts and homeless people, and every once in a while a cute little family from Minnesota satisfying the exact same impulse that took them to the San Diego Zoo. It was cool and I'm glad I got to see it but hippies, as they have since the beginning of time, still suck. Although I'm only a couple steps above a hippie so I can't talk too much shit. Golden Gate park by the way is freaking HUGE!! It's 3 miles long!! It definitely got me to thinking...Atlanta needs to step up its park situation soon. Piedmont is a baby to that monstrosity and in San Fran there are parks every other block and I'm a bit of a park guy so I wish there were more back home. I mean come on...where are the homeless people supposed to sleep and buy crank? In the street like a common dreg? That shit just ain't fair. I think I read somewhere that Atlanta has the least amount of park space of all the major cities and that sucks. Although Piedmont is a great place to have an anonymous sexual encounter for sure it just doesn't measure up to the plethora of hiding places and little nooks in Golden Gate that afford free love to flow all over the Bay Area. And be careful where you step because that free love will definitely stick to your shoe.
So Collin's got this friend Renard that is apparently very excited to show people cool stuff to eat in town and I officially feel like Anthony Bourdain minus the money and fame and coolness. We went on a taco tour the other night down in the Mission and holy shit that was freaking AWESOME! They have phenomenal taquerias out here and we went to five different ones and had a taco at each. Chorrizo and prawns and cow tongue and everything else imaginable paired with the most delicious salsas you can imagine on homemade tortillas. Needless to say I shit like Nagasaki both that night and the morning after...details that Bourdain conveniently leaves out whenever he's circling the globe eating steaming and delicious bowls of dysentery. And then last night Renard gave the green light to the second assault on my digestive system by introducing me to his favorite Thai restaurant down the way. Oh red curry spare ribs you are like spicy heroin. Although I did try to mainline them and the needle got terribly clogged. Don't try that guys...just eat them like normal.
Well what next? I'm starting to miss the great outdoors once again but I have a ticket on the Alcatraz cruise on Saturday Sean Connery style so I think I'm staying until at least Sunday morning. Collin keeps bragging about the sushi out here...we'll see what their super crunch roll does to my perspective of the universe. They probably don't have one because unlike in the South here not everything edible must be fried in oil although that does make everything better. I suppose this is turning into the Eat part of my trip if you must compare my journey to certain Julia Roberts women's empowerment movies about self-discovery. I ain't doing much praying these days but I always got a lotta love to give. Jesus that was lame. Okie dokie I gotta get my shit together and go see more stuff in this glorious town. Keep it real homies...I'll try to get one more post in before I enter the forest again because who knows when I'll have internet again. Peace!
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
I'm making these hills my bitch...
So San Francisco is an absolutely beautiful town but it is freaking cold here! How in the hell is it July and it feels like Georgia in November. Freaking weird weather...maybe that's why all the people are so weird. Of course the weather was lovely in Venice and those people were major freaks. Oh the strange people out here are the best tourist trap. In any case I got in last Friday and largely chilled for the first couple days because I wanted to hang with Collin and Stephanie while they were both available. We downed some serious celebratory tequila shots Friday and Saturday I did laundry(was running dangerously low on undies) and took care of some biznass and Sunday we had a cookout with the neighbors...healthy stuff for sure. Monday I decided to start in on the touristy stuff. Oh and the freaking boat to Alcatraz is booked up until next Tuesday!!! What the balls that sucked but maybe I can be a stowaway and ironically sneak onto the island...naaaa it ain't quite worth that but I may see if there's a cancellation or something. But ya wandered around Fisherman's Wharf and got some noodles in Chinatown and skipped through Ghirardelli Square and did acid in Golden Gate Park and yada yada yada it was a lovely day and I think I walked a marathon.
So my Tuesday was awesome!!! So this whole thing about the wineries is freaking great!! I was really intimidated by the idea at first but after a lot of procrastination I finally balled up and just went inside one and asked to try their stuff and I started slamming chardonnays. Fun fun day and oh by the way if you ever have a major urge to blow a shitload of money skip Vegas and go to Napa. Everything is delicious and you try the stuff and you immediately feel like you should at least get a bottle. I got a few bottles and even popped one to go with the steaks Collin and I had for dinner. All in all a healthy day but I spent too much damn money on wine and woke up with a headache this morning. Ain't the first time! In any case I really am enjoying San Francisco...this whole town is just incredibly attractive and clean and I've been eating well. I'm really hoping we can get out to Yosemite this weekend but Collin doesn't know if he can make it since he may have to work. Totally lame but we'll see what happens. Okie doke I'll post again soon hopefully when I have a few more interesting anecdotes and musings. Farewell and blah blah blah.:)
So my Tuesday was awesome!!! So this whole thing about the wineries is freaking great!! I was really intimidated by the idea at first but after a lot of procrastination I finally balled up and just went inside one and asked to try their stuff and I started slamming chardonnays. Fun fun day and oh by the way if you ever have a major urge to blow a shitload of money skip Vegas and go to Napa. Everything is delicious and you try the stuff and you immediately feel like you should at least get a bottle. I got a few bottles and even popped one to go with the steaks Collin and I had for dinner. All in all a healthy day but I spent too much damn money on wine and woke up with a headache this morning. Ain't the first time! In any case I really am enjoying San Francisco...this whole town is just incredibly attractive and clean and I've been eating well. I'm really hoping we can get out to Yosemite this weekend but Collin doesn't know if he can make it since he may have to work. Totally lame but we'll see what happens. Okie doke I'll post again soon hopefully when I have a few more interesting anecdotes and musings. Farewell and blah blah blah.:)
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Ain't no flowers in my hair but I'm here!
So I have come out of the woods and I am in San Francisco! Once again I'm a little behind due to asssorted retardaries and being lost in the wilderness Kerouac style so I'll try to get back up to speed.
So I had to get the F outta LA...the bullshit and the people and the partying was seriously starting to wear on me. I wound up spending the 4th with these Dutch chicks and after hanging with these Swiss dudes the Canadians wanted to meet up and I started to feel like the fucking U.N.!!! So I skipped Hollywood except for checking out the Getty Museum which was absolutely AMAZING!! They have 4 Monets, a bunch of Degas, and the most beautiful Van Gogh painting I've ever seen. Chilled there for a while and then shot up to Santa Barbara largely just to get a motel and clean up my car and myself and plan out some stuff. After that it was on to Big Sur. Stopped at the Hearst castle for a bit which was the most opulently obnoxious frigging place I've ever payed $25 to look around. The view was pretty breathtaking but the house is largely a massive monument to some eccentric trustfund baby assbag that had to come up with stuff to do with his money so he built this rediculous mansion on top of a mountain so everyone would be impressed by him. Honestly there was some cool art but fuck that guy...I'm glad Orson Welles made Citizen Kane and talked shit.
So I camped out for a night and headed on up the coast. Highway 1 is freaking INCREDIBLE...basically as you're driving every 5 minutes you're blown away by something else. Cliffs and mountains and rocks and God knows what else are just everywhere and you're driving along the Pacific ocean and it's just humbling to see some of the stuff that is on this Earth. It's hard to describe and paint a picture of the country out here. You really have to see it...or look at pictures I guess so GFGI you lazy fucks!! After a gorgeous morning drive I got to Big Sur proper (Big Sur basically comprises a bunch of state parks along the coast from San Simeon all the way up to Monterrey) and camped in Andrew Molera State Park. I had a healthy hike along the coast and up a mountain which provided the best view I've had of the world in a while and then camped out. I was thinking of staying another night but the cold combined with the $25-$35 a night camping fee pushed me Northward to Monterrey and Santa Cruz where I went on a busted excursion to find Big Basin Redwood Park and said F it and carried on to visit my bestest buddies in the whole wide California Collin and Stephanie. Ahhh...a shower and a mattress not surrounded by Europeans is quite the luxury at this point. Loving life as always my friends. And I think I almost have it figured out what I might do when I return to the real world so maybe I'll come back from this with the whole reason I did it. Okie doke well I think Collin and I are going to hit the beach shortly (I know...I didn't know there were beaches here either. I'm sure as shit not getting in the water) and try to not look like a gay couple. I should be able to post a little more frequently since they have internet and I ain't paying for it! Farewell and Godspeed brahs and brahdettes!
So I had to get the F outta LA...the bullshit and the people and the partying was seriously starting to wear on me. I wound up spending the 4th with these Dutch chicks and after hanging with these Swiss dudes the Canadians wanted to meet up and I started to feel like the fucking U.N.!!! So I skipped Hollywood except for checking out the Getty Museum which was absolutely AMAZING!! They have 4 Monets, a bunch of Degas, and the most beautiful Van Gogh painting I've ever seen. Chilled there for a while and then shot up to Santa Barbara largely just to get a motel and clean up my car and myself and plan out some stuff. After that it was on to Big Sur. Stopped at the Hearst castle for a bit which was the most opulently obnoxious frigging place I've ever payed $25 to look around. The view was pretty breathtaking but the house is largely a massive monument to some eccentric trustfund baby assbag that had to come up with stuff to do with his money so he built this rediculous mansion on top of a mountain so everyone would be impressed by him. Honestly there was some cool art but fuck that guy...I'm glad Orson Welles made Citizen Kane and talked shit.
So I camped out for a night and headed on up the coast. Highway 1 is freaking INCREDIBLE...basically as you're driving every 5 minutes you're blown away by something else. Cliffs and mountains and rocks and God knows what else are just everywhere and you're driving along the Pacific ocean and it's just humbling to see some of the stuff that is on this Earth. It's hard to describe and paint a picture of the country out here. You really have to see it...or look at pictures I guess so GFGI you lazy fucks!! After a gorgeous morning drive I got to Big Sur proper (Big Sur basically comprises a bunch of state parks along the coast from San Simeon all the way up to Monterrey) and camped in Andrew Molera State Park. I had a healthy hike along the coast and up a mountain which provided the best view I've had of the world in a while and then camped out. I was thinking of staying another night but the cold combined with the $25-$35 a night camping fee pushed me Northward to Monterrey and Santa Cruz where I went on a busted excursion to find Big Basin Redwood Park and said F it and carried on to visit my bestest buddies in the whole wide California Collin and Stephanie. Ahhh...a shower and a mattress not surrounded by Europeans is quite the luxury at this point. Loving life as always my friends. And I think I almost have it figured out what I might do when I return to the real world so maybe I'll come back from this with the whole reason I did it. Okie doke well I think Collin and I are going to hit the beach shortly (I know...I didn't know there were beaches here either. I'm sure as shit not getting in the water) and try to not look like a gay couple. I should be able to post a little more frequently since they have internet and I ain't paying for it! Farewell and Godspeed brahs and brahdettes!
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Ya this is Hollywood...
Holy shit I have got some catching up to do!! I'm sorry guys I got into Venice beach and they charge money for the stupid internet here and I haven't had the motivation to get on here and post for a couple days. Now where was I?
Holy shit so San Diego wound up being soooooo AWESOME!! I mean the whole "I don't want to drink too much on this trip" thing is completely shattered but it was a wonderful time. The second night there there was a pub crawl and it was basically me and about 10 girls from all over the friggin place. Couldn't complain about that even when we emptied the karaoke bar and I dropped a ten dollar double bourbon and coke on the floor. Anyway I survived that night and wound up going to the beach the next day with the lovely Helena and My. Helena is from Germany and My was Swedish and they were both the cutest and sweetest girls ever. Had a blast at the beach and when I got back all those Irish fucks made fun of my sunglass coon eyes. Ya I forgot the sunscreen but it has since shifted into a tasteful and attractive bronzing...still got coon eyes though. That night we had trivia in the common area and I was on a team of English people and we lost by one frigging point! Clubs after that and the whole thing started again but many great friends and wonderful people. Oh and I was able to apologize to the girl about the dubstep comments and she totally forgave me but subjected me to an extremely long-winded and awful history lesson in dubstep and how her friends invented it and people don't understand the musical intricacies of blah blah blah holy shit I don't care! I was polite and nodded however and found myself in the good graces of the hostel staff once again. Good times in general.
So I left San Diego and actually brought a friend. Alex ze German asked if he could hitch a ride to Venice beach and I obliged. Super cool guy but it was funny because I didn't figure out what his name was until we were half way to LA. So we get in the first night and go on a fantastic pub crawl with these Norwegian chicks that culminated in yet another shitshow of a night. And then yesterday Alex and I wanted to grab a quick happy hour drink and wander into some cantina featuring something or another and shrimp tacos and I hear "Hey Bulldog!!" as a response to my red Georgia hat I was proudly wearing. It turns out these guys are from Atlanta Chris Clark and Kyle Tekiela and they know Goldie and Molly and everyone back home! So they take me to this random ass block party and I wind up drinking beer with this dude claiming he was the sound engineer for Ray Charles and he tells me I need to get in touch with him after I finish my trip and he'll help me get a book published. Obviously raining bullshit all over the place but it was still cool. Then I find out the house we're at is the guy from 10 Things I hate about You...not Inception dude but the guy that was the douchebag bad guy in the movie. Guy's all hippied out with a fucking satchel but it was still a trip to be drinking at a movie star's house. So by this point I haven't eaten and I'm starving so I grab a sandwich and go upstairs ready to chill for a bit and get pulled into yet another friggin' pubcrawl with these lovely Irish ladies and this French girl who knew about 3 words in English. She was a sweetheart though and I had to help her order beers and stuff at the club. Oh and I haven't even mentioned that Venice Beach is a TRIP!!! Crazy people everywhere...bunch of street performers and crazy folks selling shit and on acid and dragging about this place is delightfully weird. Oh ya and last night after getting back from the bar I almost saw a damn bum fight in front of the hostel. This place is so different but I'm still loving life although at this point my liver is starting to hate me. July 4th tomorrow and I have no plans but I have a feeling something will pop up...it seems to be happening a lot lately! Maybe Hollywood next for a night before I go back to the wild for a couple days before San Fran. Oh and I just found out I have to be back to Atlanta to move by the 8th so my trip might be cut a bit short. Oh well such is life...I'll be back on when I get somewhere that has free frigging Wifi!!!!! Ciao beeches!!!!
Holy shit so San Diego wound up being soooooo AWESOME!! I mean the whole "I don't want to drink too much on this trip" thing is completely shattered but it was a wonderful time. The second night there there was a pub crawl and it was basically me and about 10 girls from all over the friggin place. Couldn't complain about that even when we emptied the karaoke bar and I dropped a ten dollar double bourbon and coke on the floor. Anyway I survived that night and wound up going to the beach the next day with the lovely Helena and My. Helena is from Germany and My was Swedish and they were both the cutest and sweetest girls ever. Had a blast at the beach and when I got back all those Irish fucks made fun of my sunglass coon eyes. Ya I forgot the sunscreen but it has since shifted into a tasteful and attractive bronzing...still got coon eyes though. That night we had trivia in the common area and I was on a team of English people and we lost by one frigging point! Clubs after that and the whole thing started again but many great friends and wonderful people. Oh and I was able to apologize to the girl about the dubstep comments and she totally forgave me but subjected me to an extremely long-winded and awful history lesson in dubstep and how her friends invented it and people don't understand the musical intricacies of blah blah blah holy shit I don't care! I was polite and nodded however and found myself in the good graces of the hostel staff once again. Good times in general.
So I left San Diego and actually brought a friend. Alex ze German asked if he could hitch a ride to Venice beach and I obliged. Super cool guy but it was funny because I didn't figure out what his name was until we were half way to LA. So we get in the first night and go on a fantastic pub crawl with these Norwegian chicks that culminated in yet another shitshow of a night. And then yesterday Alex and I wanted to grab a quick happy hour drink and wander into some cantina featuring something or another and shrimp tacos and I hear "Hey Bulldog!!" as a response to my red Georgia hat I was proudly wearing. It turns out these guys are from Atlanta Chris Clark and Kyle Tekiela and they know Goldie and Molly and everyone back home! So they take me to this random ass block party and I wind up drinking beer with this dude claiming he was the sound engineer for Ray Charles and he tells me I need to get in touch with him after I finish my trip and he'll help me get a book published. Obviously raining bullshit all over the place but it was still cool. Then I find out the house we're at is the guy from 10 Things I hate about You...not Inception dude but the guy that was the douchebag bad guy in the movie. Guy's all hippied out with a fucking satchel but it was still a trip to be drinking at a movie star's house. So by this point I haven't eaten and I'm starving so I grab a sandwich and go upstairs ready to chill for a bit and get pulled into yet another friggin' pubcrawl with these lovely Irish ladies and this French girl who knew about 3 words in English. She was a sweetheart though and I had to help her order beers and stuff at the club. Oh and I haven't even mentioned that Venice Beach is a TRIP!!! Crazy people everywhere...bunch of street performers and crazy folks selling shit and on acid and dragging about this place is delightfully weird. Oh ya and last night after getting back from the bar I almost saw a damn bum fight in front of the hostel. This place is so different but I'm still loving life although at this point my liver is starting to hate me. July 4th tomorrow and I have no plans but I have a feeling something will pop up...it seems to be happening a lot lately! Maybe Hollywood next for a night before I go back to the wild for a couple days before San Fran. Oh and I just found out I have to be back to Atlanta to move by the 8th so my trip might be cut a bit short. Oh well such is life...I'll be back on when I get somewhere that has free frigging Wifi!!!!! Ciao beeches!!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)