but I was at the restaurant tonight and there was a woman that was absolutely PLASTERED and making out with some sketch homie with a goatee at the bar. Long story short while I enjoyed my cheap 18 oz. Miller opposite from ground zero my manager had to come out and walk this woman to dude's car just to get her out of the establishment before some poor server had to mop up vomit for $2.50 an hour. Through further investigation I learned that the woman is a preschool teacher and I surmised that what with the Christmas holiday and whatnot she was celebrating the fact that she doesn't have to scream at 4 year olds for 8 hours tomorrow and the idea of grown-up time got the best of her and she had one too many apple sugar gumdrop-tinis and decided she was going to teach that dickhead of an ex-husband a thing or two. As she's being dragged to the imaginary border of non-lawsuitville I look over at Ashlee the bar stewardess and say "heh...I remember my first beer." Now this is a completely unoriginal remark that I stole from the movie "Stepbrothers" and I feel like there needs to be more funny remarks people can make when some dork illustrates for the world how much of an upstanding fuckup they are. So...here is what I can come up with at 3:06 in the morning:
Someone get this guy on some heavy machinery!
Shit...in that state Hemingway would be reeling in a marlin.
Hi! I'm Shitfaced...meet you in the bathroom?
Thank God...I was starting to think those pills were bullshit.
Someone's pulling a Matrix in the morning. (A Matrix is when you sneak around your office from cubicle to cubicle avoiding interaction with any authority figure a la Neo at the beginning of the Matrix. It's also when you lean back limbo-style and dodge something being thrown at you or narrowly miss being hit by a subway train.)
You know what, I'm feeling creative...I think I'm going to draw a vagina on your face tonight for a change.
No seriously I'm interested...what is your opinion of Ron Paul's stance on a nuclear Iran and do you think he could gather the momentum and campaign funds to win the Iowa caucuses?
You know your child support's due in the morning, right?
Youtube's gonna love this!
Boy, the last time I was that drunk was when I found out Obama won the election.
Boy, the last time I was that drunk was when I found out I missed the McRib by a day.
Boy, the last time I was that drunk was when I had box seats for Bananarama.
(To a dude) Don't worry...I'm sure he'll call...faggot.
(To a girl) Ya...he won't be calling. What're you doing later?
(To a girl) You ever sat on someone's face in a porta-potty? Oh...uhhh...you like Nicolas Cage movies?
Shit! And here I am fresh outta lube.
Wait, wait you dropped something...is this your baby?
Sir, I'm going to need to see some proof of citizenship...no sir you go fuck YOURself.
How much cash you got on you? Ah hell you're good...I've bribed a cop with way less.
Good thing that chick's got a vomit fetish.
Dude she's totally into you...although I do think you need to flex more.
Pants are for pussies!!
I'm Mr. Charles, the head of your security down here. I specialize in a very specific type of security...subconscious security. I am here to protect you in the event that someone tries to access your mind through your dreams. They're coming for you...
You in a band, bro?
OK that's all I got for now but if any more come to me I will definitely be posting them in some form as soon as possible. Please everyone, please take alcoholism seriously and do everything you can to mock and fuck with people that can't handle their shit. If they're really young it will build they're character and sense of humor and if they're old fuck 'em they should have learned by now. Good night and good luck.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Took a little break.
So sorry for the absence there boys and girls. I felt like I needed to take a break from ejaculating pure unadulterated inspiration upon the masses. Plus I couldn't come up with anything to write so I saved all of you the misery of reading something stupid that you keep thinking is going to get better if you just keep reading on. I hate when I read an article or short story that seems interesting in theory and then you start reading and it sucks but you keep reading anyway because you're like well fuck it I've gotten this far I should finish and then at the end you've wasted 8 minutes of your life learning about the logistical challenges of shipping Justin Beiber figurines out of China. I mean who hasn't been through that series of events?
So what's been happening? Well we're officially in the thick of the Holidays and I am my usual bah-humbug bitch about humanity awful self. I mean really are people still into these pointless celebrations of American excess and human insecurity? When are we going to put the Christ back in " Jesus Christ give me more pie and Xboxes or I'm gong to rip your fucking throat out you bitch!"? I don't know perhaps if I had children I would get more into it but everything about Christmas and Thanksgiving just annoys the shit out of me. People are pepper-spraying each other for video games for shit sakes! Anyway I won't go too deep into it because it has been vastly overdone but screw Christmas. Plus it's during the winter and we all know how I feel about that.
Ya I'm not sure why I didn't post for so long. Football season maybe, this new job perhaps. Oh ya I'm waiting tables now. Believe it or not it's kind of fun. The hours are strange but you can really learn a lot about people watching them eat chicken wings. It's a healthy little family place that serves a great porter and a steady clientele of quiet people who tip well. And I think I'm taking to the restaurant life like a duck to water. I mean really, I'm already an alcoholic, I like sleeping in late, I smile a lot and I enjoy getting paid for tasks that don't require much thought...sounds like a dream job to me!! Actually it's working out well and I've entered a bit of a holding pattern for now.
I want to jump on a topic real quick that I've never touched on and I hope ya'll will be receptive to it. Now just do me a favor and finish the paragraph before you shit all over you're computer chairs and stop answering my texts when I'm looking for people to sniff glue with. I am sympathetic to pedophiles. There I said it. No I am not myself a child fucker nor do I know any personally but since the last time I posted it seems like it has become an incredibly fashionable thing to fuck children if you work for a division 1 college athletic program. I'm not completely sure how this particular fad caught on but I equate it with words with friends and faux hawks in that I really don't get it and I'm very comfortable that I never bought in to the trend. So anyway, people are born the way they are. Homosexuality, without a doubt, is a born state of being that people live with and accept and are able to gain happiness from. So is a foot fetish. So is fucking pastrami sandwiches dressed as Joan Rivers with baking utensils shoved up your ass covered in goats blood under a full moon with Asian businessmen throwing mayonnaise at you. And honestly...so is being a pedophile. Those people are born that way and I feel deeply sorry for them that they have to carry such an unspeakable trait of their personality for their entire lives. However, you can be a pedophile and do the right thing and save a shit ton of innocent lives and that is kill yourself. Seriously, if you have something that you were born with that you can't control that is going to force you to destroy human beings I don't give a fuck if you write We are the World or if you cure cancer or invent the hover board someone else will too and the world will be just fine if you kill yourself. If you don't then you deserve whatever happens to you but I think the American media should start advertising more to the world that if you have a major problem that you can't control and you aren't going to attempt to treat it you need to rid the world of your existence. And seriously, leave a note and if you say in it "I was going to start fucking kids but I killed myself instead" you should get a fucking postmortem medal for being an awesome human being. OK I'm done with the baby-rape talk now I will move on.
I'm going to be honest with ya'll...I really wanted this to be an epic post since I haven't written in a while but sometimes inspiration doesn't come as freely as you would think. All of my friends, all of you that read this make me as happy as I could ever imagine being. And isn't that our goal? To be happy? To get some good laughs in before we're dead and over? Drinking beers and making boner jokes with the people I love truly makes feel like I'm making something out of this existence. Of course that sounds stupid but times when I was fucked up and talking shit with people that I know have my back is when I have truly felt comfortable and happy. I'm in a holding pattern right now. I've had a shitty year and I'm evaluating what I want out of my life. There are so many people that don't have that freedom. It's a cliche but seriously I have nothing but first world problems. Every job I have had since graduation has provided me with plenty of currency but nothing in the way of actual value. I was strong and ready to take it on and had a seven foot boner with every paycheck that was direct deposited into my account. Was I happy? Honestly...of course not. It sucked, it hindered my self-confidence and I decided to make a change. I went on the road thinking that would do it but of course I came back home and had the same questions and confusions I did before. I did learn some stuff about the world and did gain some confidence in my ability to survive but I came back and I was still me. I'm working on it though and when the time comes I'm sure I'll figure out something. Well that was a little whiny and touchy feely but I don't think I'm going to delete it.
Well I'm going to try and post a lot more often here on out guys. It's weird times for everybody and I find this blog to be very therapeutic. And I promise I won't get as gay and deep as I did here in the future. We got New Years...we got Justice...we got any number of amazing and awe-inspiring excuses to get fucked up in the coming months and I'm gonna brag about all of it to ya'll bitches.
So what's been happening? Well we're officially in the thick of the Holidays and I am my usual bah-humbug bitch about humanity awful self. I mean really are people still into these pointless celebrations of American excess and human insecurity? When are we going to put the Christ back in " Jesus Christ give me more pie and Xboxes or I'm gong to rip your fucking throat out you bitch!"? I don't know perhaps if I had children I would get more into it but everything about Christmas and Thanksgiving just annoys the shit out of me. People are pepper-spraying each other for video games for shit sakes! Anyway I won't go too deep into it because it has been vastly overdone but screw Christmas. Plus it's during the winter and we all know how I feel about that.
Ya I'm not sure why I didn't post for so long. Football season maybe, this new job perhaps. Oh ya I'm waiting tables now. Believe it or not it's kind of fun. The hours are strange but you can really learn a lot about people watching them eat chicken wings. It's a healthy little family place that serves a great porter and a steady clientele of quiet people who tip well. And I think I'm taking to the restaurant life like a duck to water. I mean really, I'm already an alcoholic, I like sleeping in late, I smile a lot and I enjoy getting paid for tasks that don't require much thought...sounds like a dream job to me!! Actually it's working out well and I've entered a bit of a holding pattern for now.
I want to jump on a topic real quick that I've never touched on and I hope ya'll will be receptive to it. Now just do me a favor and finish the paragraph before you shit all over you're computer chairs and stop answering my texts when I'm looking for people to sniff glue with. I am sympathetic to pedophiles. There I said it. No I am not myself a child fucker nor do I know any personally but since the last time I posted it seems like it has become an incredibly fashionable thing to fuck children if you work for a division 1 college athletic program. I'm not completely sure how this particular fad caught on but I equate it with words with friends and faux hawks in that I really don't get it and I'm very comfortable that I never bought in to the trend. So anyway, people are born the way they are. Homosexuality, without a doubt, is a born state of being that people live with and accept and are able to gain happiness from. So is a foot fetish. So is fucking pastrami sandwiches dressed as Joan Rivers with baking utensils shoved up your ass covered in goats blood under a full moon with Asian businessmen throwing mayonnaise at you. And honestly...so is being a pedophile. Those people are born that way and I feel deeply sorry for them that they have to carry such an unspeakable trait of their personality for their entire lives. However, you can be a pedophile and do the right thing and save a shit ton of innocent lives and that is kill yourself. Seriously, if you have something that you were born with that you can't control that is going to force you to destroy human beings I don't give a fuck if you write We are the World or if you cure cancer or invent the hover board someone else will too and the world will be just fine if you kill yourself. If you don't then you deserve whatever happens to you but I think the American media should start advertising more to the world that if you have a major problem that you can't control and you aren't going to attempt to treat it you need to rid the world of your existence. And seriously, leave a note and if you say in it "I was going to start fucking kids but I killed myself instead" you should get a fucking postmortem medal for being an awesome human being. OK I'm done with the baby-rape talk now I will move on.
I'm going to be honest with ya'll...I really wanted this to be an epic post since I haven't written in a while but sometimes inspiration doesn't come as freely as you would think. All of my friends, all of you that read this make me as happy as I could ever imagine being. And isn't that our goal? To be happy? To get some good laughs in before we're dead and over? Drinking beers and making boner jokes with the people I love truly makes feel like I'm making something out of this existence. Of course that sounds stupid but times when I was fucked up and talking shit with people that I know have my back is when I have truly felt comfortable and happy. I'm in a holding pattern right now. I've had a shitty year and I'm evaluating what I want out of my life. There are so many people that don't have that freedom. It's a cliche but seriously I have nothing but first world problems. Every job I have had since graduation has provided me with plenty of currency but nothing in the way of actual value. I was strong and ready to take it on and had a seven foot boner with every paycheck that was direct deposited into my account. Was I happy? Honestly...of course not. It sucked, it hindered my self-confidence and I decided to make a change. I went on the road thinking that would do it but of course I came back home and had the same questions and confusions I did before. I did learn some stuff about the world and did gain some confidence in my ability to survive but I came back and I was still me. I'm working on it though and when the time comes I'm sure I'll figure out something. Well that was a little whiny and touchy feely but I don't think I'm going to delete it.
Well I'm going to try and post a lot more often here on out guys. It's weird times for everybody and I find this blog to be very therapeutic. And I promise I won't get as gay and deep as I did here in the future. We got New Years...we got Justice...we got any number of amazing and awe-inspiring excuses to get fucked up in the coming months and I'm gonna brag about all of it to ya'll bitches.
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