So this year for Halloween I really wanted to be a dinosaur. Is that too much to ask?? A grown-ass man wanting to dress up like a dinosaur??? It is freaking IMPOSSIBLE to find a proper dinosaur costume anywhere in the United States. Oh I eventually found one...it was in Hong Kong. Way too far away to have it by today. Oh well...it looks like one more Greenman will be drunkenly wandering the streets of New Orleans tonight.
Halloween in New Orleans!!! Oh my lord I can't wait to see the freaks that are produced by that weird-ass city. I mean I will be wearing a full bodysuit of green spandex and I'll be just another tourist. Now granted the majority of my time will be spent listening to the greatest rock band on the planet but after the show it should only be about 12:30 which is when the sociopaths are injecting one last bit of smack to stay juiced up to sell bunk coke to tourists and search for the whores that don't have any visible cold sores. Hey that rhymed!
New Orleans is definitely one of my favorite cities. I actually have bestowed on it the honor of being my favorite city that I never want to live in. I don't think I could handle it. The place also smells kind of funny but I'm sure that's just the drunken failure running down the gutters every day at 4 in the morning. I mean Bourbon Street is fine but obviously you have to get off Bourbon to get the real jest of the place. However, there was a time on Bourbon when a certain friend of mine maxed out his Amex on tag-team blowjobs from two strippers he fell in love with the first night we got there. I woke up to this fine upstanding gentleman trying to report his card stolen the next morning. When they brought up the affidavit he would need to sign he promptly hung up and reveled in his own stupidity.
And then sometimes you eat way too many mushrooms and find yourself chasing taxi cabs in the freezing cold until a friendly bouncer informs you it's illegal for them to stop in that spot.
And sometimes you find yourself drinking drugstore jugwine on the Tulane campus at 7 in the morning on a Monday heckling kids jogging and going to class and generally having their lives together. Ya we never made it to the passport office that day.
And sometimes you spend 20 minutes at a blackjack table and make $200 and proceed to drink every dime of it in the next 2 hours.
Holy shit I am excited for tonight. I will be posting again very soon I promise to regale all with the adventures from the weekend. God bless and wish me luck!!! I feel like I'm about to skydive straight into a wildfire.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
But I like cake!!!
Moving on...keeping it trucking.
Do you think it was really annoying and complicated 2000 years ago when they made the switch from B.C. to A.D.? I bet everyone was really pissed off and kept dating checks wrong. People kept using it as an excuse when they were late to work. It was likely a difficult transition but after a few months everyone was like "This makes so much more sense! What the hell were we counting down to anyway?"
So now that what's her name no longer exists there's a new problem I'm tackling...getting rid of these relationship pounds. It's funny how easy it is to develop a nice and comfortable fat ass when you're in a healthy relationship. The thought process makes so much sense! "Hmmm...there's a beautiful girl that seems to really like my personality and she is still banging me. I have no need to impress anyone ever!" And then all of a sudden cake starts tasting way better than it did before. The next thing you know you've put on about 20 pounds and then she goes to Denver and holy crap I'm single again. Shit! Now I have to rely on my winning personality and sense of humor to get me laid! You know losing weight was always easy before because I had jobs that required me to run around and do stuff all the time. They also interfered with my meals so I never ate and ran around slinging drinks for ten hours at a time...now that's an easy diet! But now my life is planning and meeting and sitting and discussing shit all day and I'm not losing weight as fast as before. I should start bartending again. Start bartending...lose weight...bang pretty ladies. Worked last time!!
You know I've always wanted abs but I feel like they're slowly drifting away. Abs to me are like Wilson in Cast Away...they're just floating away and I am an insane bearded hermit yelling from my raft. "Abs!!!! I'm sorry abs!! I love you but sit-ups suck balls! Come back!!"
I have been addressing my unhealthy lifestyle lately and it has been good. I go for these little walk-jogs on the Beltline and listen to Steve Winwood and I feel pretty good. I don't think I want to get too obsessed with it though. If I get really motivated and really become obsessed with staying in shape and change my diet and start limiting my drinking and then I get cancer in a couple years I am going to be fucking PISSED! That's what happened to Steve Jobs. Dude ate nothing but fruit and was all disciplined and focused on his health and now he's dead. Wow what a waste of time...of course his retarded belief in holistic medicine was also a factor. But there you go...super healthy people die all the time. It's really a roll of the dice. For now I'm going to keep having fun but going outside and giving myself a heart-attack on occasion probably isn't such a bad idea either.
Do you think it was really annoying and complicated 2000 years ago when they made the switch from B.C. to A.D.? I bet everyone was really pissed off and kept dating checks wrong. People kept using it as an excuse when they were late to work. It was likely a difficult transition but after a few months everyone was like "This makes so much more sense! What the hell were we counting down to anyway?"
So now that what's her name no longer exists there's a new problem I'm tackling...getting rid of these relationship pounds. It's funny how easy it is to develop a nice and comfortable fat ass when you're in a healthy relationship. The thought process makes so much sense! "Hmmm...there's a beautiful girl that seems to really like my personality and she is still banging me. I have no need to impress anyone ever!" And then all of a sudden cake starts tasting way better than it did before. The next thing you know you've put on about 20 pounds and then she goes to Denver and holy crap I'm single again. Shit! Now I have to rely on my winning personality and sense of humor to get me laid! You know losing weight was always easy before because I had jobs that required me to run around and do stuff all the time. They also interfered with my meals so I never ate and ran around slinging drinks for ten hours at a time...now that's an easy diet! But now my life is planning and meeting and sitting and discussing shit all day and I'm not losing weight as fast as before. I should start bartending again. Start bartending...lose weight...bang pretty ladies. Worked last time!!
You know I've always wanted abs but I feel like they're slowly drifting away. Abs to me are like Wilson in Cast Away...they're just floating away and I am an insane bearded hermit yelling from my raft. "Abs!!!! I'm sorry abs!! I love you but sit-ups suck balls! Come back!!"
I have been addressing my unhealthy lifestyle lately and it has been good. I go for these little walk-jogs on the Beltline and listen to Steve Winwood and I feel pretty good. I don't think I want to get too obsessed with it though. If I get really motivated and really become obsessed with staying in shape and change my diet and start limiting my drinking and then I get cancer in a couple years I am going to be fucking PISSED! That's what happened to Steve Jobs. Dude ate nothing but fruit and was all disciplined and focused on his health and now he's dead. Wow what a waste of time...of course his retarded belief in holistic medicine was also a factor. But there you go...super healthy people die all the time. It's really a roll of the dice. For now I'm going to keep having fun but going outside and giving myself a heart-attack on occasion probably isn't such a bad idea either.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Dude True Blood freaking SUCKS now...
OK I've got an idea for a creepy scary psychological thriller and I want you guys to tell me what you think. So this really cute couple meet and start dating when they're young in the fifties. They met under some pretty amazing circumstances and it really felt like fate when they met. They graduate, get married, and have children. They have a beautiful baby boy and they are so proud but as the boy grows up they slowly start to realize as he matures that he looks vaguely familiar. The more he grows, the more they see it but neither one wants to acknowledge it at the risk of sounding crazy. He grows and grows until he gets to high school and finally the father can't take it anymore. The rage and suspicion builds in him until the one fateful night that he brings it up to his wife. She agrees, he does look like someone they remember but she can't explain it. The husband presses...he knows what this all is but she denies it. The husband goes into a insane rage, throwing furniture and screaming "liar!" all the while the wife is pleading with him to calm down. She can't explain it but she swears it's not what he thinks! He grabs a lamp and swings at her, striking her in the temple a she goes limp on the ground in a bloody heap. He grabs his trusty hunting knife from the dresser and slowly unfolds it, muttering to himself as the insanity explodes in his mind and he loses all grip of reality. "I'm not raising nobody's goddamn bastard" he says as he slowly walks into the next room where their cherished son sleeps. "Hey Dad what's with all the racket in there?" his son says. "I'm just heading down to the mall to hang with Emmit again." "Not this time you little bastard!!" he says as he plunges the knife into his son Marty's throat. Marty reaches for his father as he lies on the floor bleeding from his neck. He gradually stops fighting and clawing as the blood flows out of the hole in his neck and BOOM!!!! The universe instantaneously disappears from existence.
And THAT is my idea for a remake of Back to the Future II. I guess it's closer to the Shining but seriously...how in the hell would the parents never notice that Marty looks EXACTLY like the guy that introduced them? And dammit I had to use the word instantaneous. Shit I hate that stupid word!!!
OK I'm going to go watch TV and think about soundproof drywall.
And THAT is my idea for a remake of Back to the Future II. I guess it's closer to the Shining but seriously...how in the hell would the parents never notice that Marty looks EXACTLY like the guy that introduced them? And dammit I had to use the word instantaneous. Shit I hate that stupid word!!!
OK I'm going to go watch TV and think about soundproof drywall.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Just call me Dick Van Sprinkle...
Ahhhh....ohhhhh boy that was a nice nap. Holy spicoli nothing hits the spot like closing your eyes for a minute and just not doing crap for a while. Let me just jump on the old internet machine here and see what I missed. Whoa what the farts??? Who messed with the calendar thingy on my desktop? Has it seriously been almost two years since I was on here? Oh my God! Two years of my life gone...Nooooooooo!!!!!!!
OK be calm...let's get the butler in here. He'll explain everything. Tanjit, what the hell happened? Uh huh...OK so I remember working at the bar at Nap's. And then someone handed me a red pill and a glass of corn liquor and I vaguely remember waking up in a pod filled with pink goo and hoses attached to my body. Did we reelect that boner in Washington? Ah who cares it's all the same shit. Ya ya...something about a bachelor party in Key West. No I'm not gay! It was the groom's idea, trust me. What else? Ya a couple weddings, someone had a baby, blah blah blah, New Orleans for New Years, nice. Douching around, bullshit bullshit bullshit, turned 30, gross. Wait what??? I bought a bar? When the fuck did that happen? Oh shitmonkies how the hell did I do that? It better be an awesome bar...AHHHH it's in Little Five?? I can't afford gauges in my ears! Oh and the tattoo bills holy crap! Well how's it doing? It's not open yet??? Shit!! Well when's it going to open? October?? Oh boy I've got some figuring to do. What else man? A girlfriend!! Ahhh holy shit what about that whole vow of celibacy thing you made me swear when we were taking acid in Sri Lanka that time! Well I know I wasn't serious but still! Is she cool at least? Into Phish, loves animals and bourbon. Holy shit Tanjit my head's spinning. OK let's get the jam jamming again. First things first! I need a glass of corn liquor and a red pill of some kind...
So here I am back on the pain train. I missed writing random weird things that only I ever read. I find it's quite therapeutic and I usually think I'm at least moderately funny so here I go again on my own. And stop singing Whitesnake!
So according to Tanjit I quit my job at Napoleon's to concentrate on this new venture full time. It should be a super-nice music venue called Aisle 5 here shortly and apparently I'm running the bar and kitchen. Should be healthy if it ever opens. Also if you know me it's all I talk about so I won't ramble on the details here but when it opens bring your ass and you're drinking shoes!
This new venture has also landed me smack-dab in the middle of a crackpipe circus, AKA Little 5 Points. So, in dickedge v. 5.3 or whatever the fuck number I'm on at this point I will certainly be posting my funny observations and interactions I have with the strange and noteworthy locals of my new business home. Like Tao and the crazy meth-chick with the sequins and the shaved head. I already made friends with them. OK I'll be back on as the ideas start rolling again. Keep it real my little chickadees.
OK be calm...let's get the butler in here. He'll explain everything. Tanjit, what the hell happened? Uh huh...OK so I remember working at the bar at Nap's. And then someone handed me a red pill and a glass of corn liquor and I vaguely remember waking up in a pod filled with pink goo and hoses attached to my body. Did we reelect that boner in Washington? Ah who cares it's all the same shit. Ya ya...something about a bachelor party in Key West. No I'm not gay! It was the groom's idea, trust me. What else? Ya a couple weddings, someone had a baby, blah blah blah, New Orleans for New Years, nice. Douching around, bullshit bullshit bullshit, turned 30, gross. Wait what??? I bought a bar? When the fuck did that happen? Oh shitmonkies how the hell did I do that? It better be an awesome bar...AHHHH it's in Little Five?? I can't afford gauges in my ears! Oh and the tattoo bills holy crap! Well how's it doing? It's not open yet??? Shit!! Well when's it going to open? October?? Oh boy I've got some figuring to do. What else man? A girlfriend!! Ahhh holy shit what about that whole vow of celibacy thing you made me swear when we were taking acid in Sri Lanka that time! Well I know I wasn't serious but still! Is she cool at least? Into Phish, loves animals and bourbon. Holy shit Tanjit my head's spinning. OK let's get the jam jamming again. First things first! I need a glass of corn liquor and a red pill of some kind...
So here I am back on the pain train. I missed writing random weird things that only I ever read. I find it's quite therapeutic and I usually think I'm at least moderately funny so here I go again on my own. And stop singing Whitesnake!
So according to Tanjit I quit my job at Napoleon's to concentrate on this new venture full time. It should be a super-nice music venue called Aisle 5 here shortly and apparently I'm running the bar and kitchen. Should be healthy if it ever opens. Also if you know me it's all I talk about so I won't ramble on the details here but when it opens bring your ass and you're drinking shoes!
This new venture has also landed me smack-dab in the middle of a crackpipe circus, AKA Little 5 Points. So, in dickedge v. 5.3 or whatever the fuck number I'm on at this point I will certainly be posting my funny observations and interactions I have with the strange and noteworthy locals of my new business home. Like Tao and the crazy meth-chick with the sequins and the shaved head. I already made friends with them. OK I'll be back on as the ideas start rolling again. Keep it real my little chickadees.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
OK so we've all been drunk before...
but I was at the restaurant tonight and there was a woman that was absolutely PLASTERED and making out with some sketch homie with a goatee at the bar. Long story short while I enjoyed my cheap 18 oz. Miller opposite from ground zero my manager had to come out and walk this woman to dude's car just to get her out of the establishment before some poor server had to mop up vomit for $2.50 an hour. Through further investigation I learned that the woman is a preschool teacher and I surmised that what with the Christmas holiday and whatnot she was celebrating the fact that she doesn't have to scream at 4 year olds for 8 hours tomorrow and the idea of grown-up time got the best of her and she had one too many apple sugar gumdrop-tinis and decided she was going to teach that dickhead of an ex-husband a thing or two. As she's being dragged to the imaginary border of non-lawsuitville I look over at Ashlee the bar stewardess and say "heh...I remember my first beer." Now this is a completely unoriginal remark that I stole from the movie "Stepbrothers" and I feel like there needs to be more funny remarks people can make when some dork illustrates for the world how much of an upstanding fuckup they are. So...here is what I can come up with at 3:06 in the morning:
Someone get this guy on some heavy machinery!
Shit...in that state Hemingway would be reeling in a marlin.
Hi! I'm Shitfaced...meet you in the bathroom?
Thank God...I was starting to think those pills were bullshit.
Someone's pulling a Matrix in the morning. (A Matrix is when you sneak around your office from cubicle to cubicle avoiding interaction with any authority figure a la Neo at the beginning of the Matrix. It's also when you lean back limbo-style and dodge something being thrown at you or narrowly miss being hit by a subway train.)
You know what, I'm feeling creative...I think I'm going to draw a vagina on your face tonight for a change.
No seriously I'm interested...what is your opinion of Ron Paul's stance on a nuclear Iran and do you think he could gather the momentum and campaign funds to win the Iowa caucuses?
You know your child support's due in the morning, right?
Youtube's gonna love this!
Boy, the last time I was that drunk was when I found out Obama won the election.
Boy, the last time I was that drunk was when I found out I missed the McRib by a day.
Boy, the last time I was that drunk was when I had box seats for Bananarama.
(To a dude) Don't worry...I'm sure he'll call...faggot.
(To a girl) Ya...he won't be calling. What're you doing later?
(To a girl) You ever sat on someone's face in a porta-potty? Oh...uhhh...you like Nicolas Cage movies?
Shit! And here I am fresh outta lube.
Wait, wait you dropped something...is this your baby?
Sir, I'm going to need to see some proof of citizenship...no sir you go fuck YOURself.
How much cash you got on you? Ah hell you're good...I've bribed a cop with way less.
Good thing that chick's got a vomit fetish.
Dude she's totally into you...although I do think you need to flex more.
Pants are for pussies!!
I'm Mr. Charles, the head of your security down here. I specialize in a very specific type of security...subconscious security. I am here to protect you in the event that someone tries to access your mind through your dreams. They're coming for you...
You in a band, bro?
OK that's all I got for now but if any more come to me I will definitely be posting them in some form as soon as possible. Please everyone, please take alcoholism seriously and do everything you can to mock and fuck with people that can't handle their shit. If they're really young it will build they're character and sense of humor and if they're old fuck 'em they should have learned by now. Good night and good luck.
Someone get this guy on some heavy machinery!
Shit...in that state Hemingway would be reeling in a marlin.
Hi! I'm Shitfaced...meet you in the bathroom?
Thank God...I was starting to think those pills were bullshit.
Someone's pulling a Matrix in the morning. (A Matrix is when you sneak around your office from cubicle to cubicle avoiding interaction with any authority figure a la Neo at the beginning of the Matrix. It's also when you lean back limbo-style and dodge something being thrown at you or narrowly miss being hit by a subway train.)
You know what, I'm feeling creative...I think I'm going to draw a vagina on your face tonight for a change.
No seriously I'm interested...what is your opinion of Ron Paul's stance on a nuclear Iran and do you think he could gather the momentum and campaign funds to win the Iowa caucuses?
You know your child support's due in the morning, right?
Youtube's gonna love this!
Boy, the last time I was that drunk was when I found out Obama won the election.
Boy, the last time I was that drunk was when I found out I missed the McRib by a day.
Boy, the last time I was that drunk was when I had box seats for Bananarama.
(To a dude) Don't worry...I'm sure he'll call...faggot.
(To a girl) Ya...he won't be calling. What're you doing later?
(To a girl) You ever sat on someone's face in a porta-potty? Oh...uhhh...you like Nicolas Cage movies?
Shit! And here I am fresh outta lube.
Wait, wait you dropped something...is this your baby?
Sir, I'm going to need to see some proof of citizenship...no sir you go fuck YOURself.
How much cash you got on you? Ah hell you're good...I've bribed a cop with way less.
Good thing that chick's got a vomit fetish.
Dude she's totally into you...although I do think you need to flex more.
Pants are for pussies!!
I'm Mr. Charles, the head of your security down here. I specialize in a very specific type of security...subconscious security. I am here to protect you in the event that someone tries to access your mind through your dreams. They're coming for you...
You in a band, bro?
OK that's all I got for now but if any more come to me I will definitely be posting them in some form as soon as possible. Please everyone, please take alcoholism seriously and do everything you can to mock and fuck with people that can't handle their shit. If they're really young it will build they're character and sense of humor and if they're old fuck 'em they should have learned by now. Good night and good luck.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Took a little break.
So sorry for the absence there boys and girls. I felt like I needed to take a break from ejaculating pure unadulterated inspiration upon the masses. Plus I couldn't come up with anything to write so I saved all of you the misery of reading something stupid that you keep thinking is going to get better if you just keep reading on. I hate when I read an article or short story that seems interesting in theory and then you start reading and it sucks but you keep reading anyway because you're like well fuck it I've gotten this far I should finish and then at the end you've wasted 8 minutes of your life learning about the logistical challenges of shipping Justin Beiber figurines out of China. I mean who hasn't been through that series of events?
So what's been happening? Well we're officially in the thick of the Holidays and I am my usual bah-humbug bitch about humanity awful self. I mean really are people still into these pointless celebrations of American excess and human insecurity? When are we going to put the Christ back in " Jesus Christ give me more pie and Xboxes or I'm gong to rip your fucking throat out you bitch!"? I don't know perhaps if I had children I would get more into it but everything about Christmas and Thanksgiving just annoys the shit out of me. People are pepper-spraying each other for video games for shit sakes! Anyway I won't go too deep into it because it has been vastly overdone but screw Christmas. Plus it's during the winter and we all know how I feel about that.
Ya I'm not sure why I didn't post for so long. Football season maybe, this new job perhaps. Oh ya I'm waiting tables now. Believe it or not it's kind of fun. The hours are strange but you can really learn a lot about people watching them eat chicken wings. It's a healthy little family place that serves a great porter and a steady clientele of quiet people who tip well. And I think I'm taking to the restaurant life like a duck to water. I mean really, I'm already an alcoholic, I like sleeping in late, I smile a lot and I enjoy getting paid for tasks that don't require much thought...sounds like a dream job to me!! Actually it's working out well and I've entered a bit of a holding pattern for now.
I want to jump on a topic real quick that I've never touched on and I hope ya'll will be receptive to it. Now just do me a favor and finish the paragraph before you shit all over you're computer chairs and stop answering my texts when I'm looking for people to sniff glue with. I am sympathetic to pedophiles. There I said it. No I am not myself a child fucker nor do I know any personally but since the last time I posted it seems like it has become an incredibly fashionable thing to fuck children if you work for a division 1 college athletic program. I'm not completely sure how this particular fad caught on but I equate it with words with friends and faux hawks in that I really don't get it and I'm very comfortable that I never bought in to the trend. So anyway, people are born the way they are. Homosexuality, without a doubt, is a born state of being that people live with and accept and are able to gain happiness from. So is a foot fetish. So is fucking pastrami sandwiches dressed as Joan Rivers with baking utensils shoved up your ass covered in goats blood under a full moon with Asian businessmen throwing mayonnaise at you. And honestly...so is being a pedophile. Those people are born that way and I feel deeply sorry for them that they have to carry such an unspeakable trait of their personality for their entire lives. However, you can be a pedophile and do the right thing and save a shit ton of innocent lives and that is kill yourself. Seriously, if you have something that you were born with that you can't control that is going to force you to destroy human beings I don't give a fuck if you write We are the World or if you cure cancer or invent the hover board someone else will too and the world will be just fine if you kill yourself. If you don't then you deserve whatever happens to you but I think the American media should start advertising more to the world that if you have a major problem that you can't control and you aren't going to attempt to treat it you need to rid the world of your existence. And seriously, leave a note and if you say in it "I was going to start fucking kids but I killed myself instead" you should get a fucking postmortem medal for being an awesome human being. OK I'm done with the baby-rape talk now I will move on.
I'm going to be honest with ya'll...I really wanted this to be an epic post since I haven't written in a while but sometimes inspiration doesn't come as freely as you would think. All of my friends, all of you that read this make me as happy as I could ever imagine being. And isn't that our goal? To be happy? To get some good laughs in before we're dead and over? Drinking beers and making boner jokes with the people I love truly makes feel like I'm making something out of this existence. Of course that sounds stupid but times when I was fucked up and talking shit with people that I know have my back is when I have truly felt comfortable and happy. I'm in a holding pattern right now. I've had a shitty year and I'm evaluating what I want out of my life. There are so many people that don't have that freedom. It's a cliche but seriously I have nothing but first world problems. Every job I have had since graduation has provided me with plenty of currency but nothing in the way of actual value. I was strong and ready to take it on and had a seven foot boner with every paycheck that was direct deposited into my account. Was I happy? Honestly...of course not. It sucked, it hindered my self-confidence and I decided to make a change. I went on the road thinking that would do it but of course I came back home and had the same questions and confusions I did before. I did learn some stuff about the world and did gain some confidence in my ability to survive but I came back and I was still me. I'm working on it though and when the time comes I'm sure I'll figure out something. Well that was a little whiny and touchy feely but I don't think I'm going to delete it.
Well I'm going to try and post a lot more often here on out guys. It's weird times for everybody and I find this blog to be very therapeutic. And I promise I won't get as gay and deep as I did here in the future. We got New Years...we got Justice...we got any number of amazing and awe-inspiring excuses to get fucked up in the coming months and I'm gonna brag about all of it to ya'll bitches.
So what's been happening? Well we're officially in the thick of the Holidays and I am my usual bah-humbug bitch about humanity awful self. I mean really are people still into these pointless celebrations of American excess and human insecurity? When are we going to put the Christ back in " Jesus Christ give me more pie and Xboxes or I'm gong to rip your fucking throat out you bitch!"? I don't know perhaps if I had children I would get more into it but everything about Christmas and Thanksgiving just annoys the shit out of me. People are pepper-spraying each other for video games for shit sakes! Anyway I won't go too deep into it because it has been vastly overdone but screw Christmas. Plus it's during the winter and we all know how I feel about that.
Ya I'm not sure why I didn't post for so long. Football season maybe, this new job perhaps. Oh ya I'm waiting tables now. Believe it or not it's kind of fun. The hours are strange but you can really learn a lot about people watching them eat chicken wings. It's a healthy little family place that serves a great porter and a steady clientele of quiet people who tip well. And I think I'm taking to the restaurant life like a duck to water. I mean really, I'm already an alcoholic, I like sleeping in late, I smile a lot and I enjoy getting paid for tasks that don't require much thought...sounds like a dream job to me!! Actually it's working out well and I've entered a bit of a holding pattern for now.
I want to jump on a topic real quick that I've never touched on and I hope ya'll will be receptive to it. Now just do me a favor and finish the paragraph before you shit all over you're computer chairs and stop answering my texts when I'm looking for people to sniff glue with. I am sympathetic to pedophiles. There I said it. No I am not myself a child fucker nor do I know any personally but since the last time I posted it seems like it has become an incredibly fashionable thing to fuck children if you work for a division 1 college athletic program. I'm not completely sure how this particular fad caught on but I equate it with words with friends and faux hawks in that I really don't get it and I'm very comfortable that I never bought in to the trend. So anyway, people are born the way they are. Homosexuality, without a doubt, is a born state of being that people live with and accept and are able to gain happiness from. So is a foot fetish. So is fucking pastrami sandwiches dressed as Joan Rivers with baking utensils shoved up your ass covered in goats blood under a full moon with Asian businessmen throwing mayonnaise at you. And honestly...so is being a pedophile. Those people are born that way and I feel deeply sorry for them that they have to carry such an unspeakable trait of their personality for their entire lives. However, you can be a pedophile and do the right thing and save a shit ton of innocent lives and that is kill yourself. Seriously, if you have something that you were born with that you can't control that is going to force you to destroy human beings I don't give a fuck if you write We are the World or if you cure cancer or invent the hover board someone else will too and the world will be just fine if you kill yourself. If you don't then you deserve whatever happens to you but I think the American media should start advertising more to the world that if you have a major problem that you can't control and you aren't going to attempt to treat it you need to rid the world of your existence. And seriously, leave a note and if you say in it "I was going to start fucking kids but I killed myself instead" you should get a fucking postmortem medal for being an awesome human being. OK I'm done with the baby-rape talk now I will move on.
I'm going to be honest with ya'll...I really wanted this to be an epic post since I haven't written in a while but sometimes inspiration doesn't come as freely as you would think. All of my friends, all of you that read this make me as happy as I could ever imagine being. And isn't that our goal? To be happy? To get some good laughs in before we're dead and over? Drinking beers and making boner jokes with the people I love truly makes feel like I'm making something out of this existence. Of course that sounds stupid but times when I was fucked up and talking shit with people that I know have my back is when I have truly felt comfortable and happy. I'm in a holding pattern right now. I've had a shitty year and I'm evaluating what I want out of my life. There are so many people that don't have that freedom. It's a cliche but seriously I have nothing but first world problems. Every job I have had since graduation has provided me with plenty of currency but nothing in the way of actual value. I was strong and ready to take it on and had a seven foot boner with every paycheck that was direct deposited into my account. Was I happy? Honestly...of course not. It sucked, it hindered my self-confidence and I decided to make a change. I went on the road thinking that would do it but of course I came back home and had the same questions and confusions I did before. I did learn some stuff about the world and did gain some confidence in my ability to survive but I came back and I was still me. I'm working on it though and when the time comes I'm sure I'll figure out something. Well that was a little whiny and touchy feely but I don't think I'm going to delete it.
Well I'm going to try and post a lot more often here on out guys. It's weird times for everybody and I find this blog to be very therapeutic. And I promise I won't get as gay and deep as I did here in the future. We got New Years...we got Justice...we got any number of amazing and awe-inspiring excuses to get fucked up in the coming months and I'm gonna brag about all of it to ya'll bitches.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
October rocks whether the Braves suck or not.
Ya the last couple of weeks have been pretty swell And ya I used the word swell, what of it???
October is the absolute most awesome badass time of year for myself and thus the entire universe for a variety of reasons that all culminate right about 4 days into the month. Let's start with the most obvious: football. Football by this time of year has taken a steroid rage-esque stanglehold on the frontal lobes of every non-vegetable human being in America and it is a breathtaking sight to watch us all drool over and brag about the spellbinding achievements of others. Sweet Lord just thinking about Drew Brees ninja-punching homo Indianapolis linebackers in front of millions of screaming lunatics makes me embarrassingly aroused. And of course the Dawgs are usually spending this time of year deciding whether we will be beaten by both Tennessee and Florida or if it will just be Florida...Let's beat the odds this year Richt! Oh football you are in the top five excuses I use to get hammered while the sun is shining.
Reason number 2: The weather. I mean duh this is an obvious one but I think October really closes the case on why the South is awesome and everything up North is awful and barren and terrible. In places like Milwaukee and Fargo and Fucktard, New Hampshire it's starting to get cold as balls and they're having to start feeding the babies more liquor and burning more animal dung to keep the frostbite from spreading. And hey that's totally fun and probably pretty cool but honestly I'd rather live down here where we can still wear shorts and not feel weird ordering a Bud Light Lime. Nope, down here it's still absolutely beautiful and all of the snow monkeys in the Northern Territories are hunkering down to begin growing their Winter coats and overeating sausages to prepare for the hibernation. Oh glorious sunshine you are fun and cool!
So what else...oh I get to go to Destin in October which sounds strange but you must understand that the famous Destin Fishing Rodeo happens throughout the month of October and on the second weekend of the month we go down there and go fishing. And if I'm lucky I am unemployed at this time of year and I can go down early and get drunk for a few extra days before we go out fishing on Saturday. Yayyy unemployment vacations!!! Well that did happen to be the case this year and Dad and I went on down early and commenced slow Florida living. Well to be honest it kind of reminded me of being back on the road. I'd put Dad to bed at like 10 and then it's just me and I go out for a drink and wind up chilling at the bar alone. It's healthy and you learn to actually appreciate the quiet and entertaining yourself. You watch all the other fools around you making jokes and trying to bang each other and you sit back and enjoy the show. So anyway the forecast was calling for 10 foot seas and we all decided that violently puking while trapped in a washing machine we paid money for was not an enjoyable Saturday and commenced return to the right side of the border.
Actually I came on back early and got to catch a SICK Widespread show that freaking ROCKED! Best Flat Foot Floozy ever. I was able to snag a tik at the last second and they really brought the heat. Ricky and I both agreed it was a phenomenal show. And then what happens the following weekend? Bassnectar and Pretty Lights!! Or Pretty Lights and Bassnectar!! However you like it but this past weekend was a blur of bass bomb ridiculousness. I went ahead and booked a hotel up in Alpharetta to limit the influenced explorations and from there it was raging awesome electronic music and wondering what the hell all these high school kids were doing out. It's a little unnerving when you see some 16 year old girl wearing a bikini and fishnets, covered in glitter and domed out of her skull on MDMA. I swear these kids today either have way overly cool parents or they are much better liars than I ever was. In any case PL and BN were incredibly awesome as well as Big Gigantic who is a personal favorite of mine. I just have a thing for any band with a saxophone...makes me feel like a film noir detective in the forties.
And Halloween's coming up and it doesn't look like I'm going to make it to the Cocktail Party again this year. It's a little depressing but maybe I'm getting too old for these 3 day drinking binges. Or maybe they just come around a little too often. There will be parties however and I guess I have to conquer that most American of dilemmas we all have to face at least once a year...what will I wear to the costume party? Shit I'm terrible at this. I'll probably cop out and just be green man but I'm very tempted to go as Bearded Ke$ha. I'd like to go as something that wouldn't completely rule out the idea of getting laid but hell if I get a few good laughs that's probably just as good and far less messy. Well have a wonderful week boils and ghouls and I'll catch you on the flipside.
October is the absolute most awesome badass time of year for myself and thus the entire universe for a variety of reasons that all culminate right about 4 days into the month. Let's start with the most obvious: football. Football by this time of year has taken a steroid rage-esque stanglehold on the frontal lobes of every non-vegetable human being in America and it is a breathtaking sight to watch us all drool over and brag about the spellbinding achievements of others. Sweet Lord just thinking about Drew Brees ninja-punching homo Indianapolis linebackers in front of millions of screaming lunatics makes me embarrassingly aroused. And of course the Dawgs are usually spending this time of year deciding whether we will be beaten by both Tennessee and Florida or if it will just be Florida...Let's beat the odds this year Richt! Oh football you are in the top five excuses I use to get hammered while the sun is shining.
Reason number 2: The weather. I mean duh this is an obvious one but I think October really closes the case on why the South is awesome and everything up North is awful and barren and terrible. In places like Milwaukee and Fargo and Fucktard, New Hampshire it's starting to get cold as balls and they're having to start feeding the babies more liquor and burning more animal dung to keep the frostbite from spreading. And hey that's totally fun and probably pretty cool but honestly I'd rather live down here where we can still wear shorts and not feel weird ordering a Bud Light Lime. Nope, down here it's still absolutely beautiful and all of the snow monkeys in the Northern Territories are hunkering down to begin growing their Winter coats and overeating sausages to prepare for the hibernation. Oh glorious sunshine you are fun and cool!
So what else...oh I get to go to Destin in October which sounds strange but you must understand that the famous Destin Fishing Rodeo happens throughout the month of October and on the second weekend of the month we go down there and go fishing. And if I'm lucky I am unemployed at this time of year and I can go down early and get drunk for a few extra days before we go out fishing on Saturday. Yayyy unemployment vacations!!! Well that did happen to be the case this year and Dad and I went on down early and commenced slow Florida living. Well to be honest it kind of reminded me of being back on the road. I'd put Dad to bed at like 10 and then it's just me and I go out for a drink and wind up chilling at the bar alone. It's healthy and you learn to actually appreciate the quiet and entertaining yourself. You watch all the other fools around you making jokes and trying to bang each other and you sit back and enjoy the show. So anyway the forecast was calling for 10 foot seas and we all decided that violently puking while trapped in a washing machine we paid money for was not an enjoyable Saturday and commenced return to the right side of the border.
Actually I came on back early and got to catch a SICK Widespread show that freaking ROCKED! Best Flat Foot Floozy ever. I was able to snag a tik at the last second and they really brought the heat. Ricky and I both agreed it was a phenomenal show. And then what happens the following weekend? Bassnectar and Pretty Lights!! Or Pretty Lights and Bassnectar!! However you like it but this past weekend was a blur of bass bomb ridiculousness. I went ahead and booked a hotel up in Alpharetta to limit the influenced explorations and from there it was raging awesome electronic music and wondering what the hell all these high school kids were doing out. It's a little unnerving when you see some 16 year old girl wearing a bikini and fishnets, covered in glitter and domed out of her skull on MDMA. I swear these kids today either have way overly cool parents or they are much better liars than I ever was. In any case PL and BN were incredibly awesome as well as Big Gigantic who is a personal favorite of mine. I just have a thing for any band with a saxophone...makes me feel like a film noir detective in the forties.
And Halloween's coming up and it doesn't look like I'm going to make it to the Cocktail Party again this year. It's a little depressing but maybe I'm getting too old for these 3 day drinking binges. Or maybe they just come around a little too often. There will be parties however and I guess I have to conquer that most American of dilemmas we all have to face at least once a year...what will I wear to the costume party? Shit I'm terrible at this. I'll probably cop out and just be green man but I'm very tempted to go as Bearded Ke$ha. I'd like to go as something that wouldn't completely rule out the idea of getting laid but hell if I get a few good laughs that's probably just as good and far less messy. Well have a wonderful week boils and ghouls and I'll catch you on the flipside.
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