Winter Cunterland

To begin this posting I would like to say fuck the faggot douche assramming bastard twat dick shiteating Winter. Everything about Winter sucks giant balls and I fucking hate it, I fucking hate it, I fucking hate it, I fucking hate it. There are two emotions to be felt in the wintertime: inconvenienced and fucking miserable. Every morning in the late Fall and dead fucking fistfuck Winter, I am praying to a God that I will only be inconvenienced today. That's the absolute best case scenario. Perhaps this week I'll just run out of sweatshirts really quickly and have to go to my friend's house to do a load of only sweatshirts and long underwear. Perhaps I have to go downstairs, start my truck with the heater blasting whilst still in my jammies and then return to my apartment to finish hurriedly applying my seventeenth layer only to realize I left my entire set of keys in the truck while it is warming and must return to get them so I can lock my apartment. Or maybe my dog will decide she wants to shit for the THIRD time in a day at 11:30 when I'm in my underwear drinking beer and watching Mystery Science Theatre 3000 and the temperature outside is a nice and cozy 12 fucking degrees and it takes me 15 minutes to prepare mentally and physically so she can sniff for 10 minutes apparently unfazed by the 20 mile an hour winds freezing my extremities to the brink of amputation (actually that was starting to sound suspiciously like an attack against my beautiful Molly and she's awesome and wonderful always...in Summer). Those are THE best case scenarios that there are. Often times I am fucking miserable. Lets say you get sick twice in two fucking weeks because everyone you interact with on the planet is either getting sick or just getting not sick so there's this constant cycle of disease just making the fucking rounds while you try to get trained at a new job and appear tough and dedicated in front of close scrutiny by your new bosses. There's no disease during the Summer is there? (Except malaria) Or how about when you live in a Southern city and there is 4 inches of snow and you can't go fucking ANYWHERE for a whole goddamn week? And after that week when, like a goddamn meerkat, you finally work up the courage to venture out for more beer and KY jelly, you in all honesty and seriousness feel like you're going to die. You are driving on a perpetual slip'n'slide and every fucktard in your town has as little experience doing that as you do. So running to the store for beer and jacklube, a quick and mundane little errand under normal circumstances, has me truly believing I'm going to die. However...you gotta get the beer because there's nothing else to do except get blacked out and play some stupid game with tiles or something your friends are really into but you really suck at. But like I said, after risking death that closely once in 4 days, I ain't going anywhere again until cannibalism is becoming a viable option. Canadians, Northern people, geese, I just don't get it. Why would anyone on the planet ever want to live like this for the majority of the year. And I know it's the majority because I went to visit my ex-girlfriend's parents in May in Milwaukee once and like an idiot wore shorts on the plane and promptly froze to death waiting for her sister to pick us up at the airport. I had one pair of jeans and no jacket. I was pissed. I mean we've been discussing it a lot around here and the biggest argument is that they have an infrastructure that is better suited for this and they just bundle up and drink more whiskey and that's part of why both some of them are really friendly and some are complete assholes. It just sucks and if you live up there and you're stuck because you work in some shitty steel mill because your German or Scottish or whatever the fuck ancestors said fuck the gold rush and just started cranking out babies like the child-raping Pope told 'em to do and now you're too poor and uneducated to move somewhere that has a Summer that lasts more than a comfy weekend, I'm honestly very sorry for you and I hope your kids are brilliant and rich and buy you a sick condo in Sarasota where tomorrow the high is 68 and headed into the 70's by Tuesday. The rest of you people up there that have the money and freedom to move...you are certi-fucking-fiable in my book and I don't trust you one goddamn bit.

OK football is pretty cool...so let's make 'em have camp in the Winter and Spring and then do the season in the depths of Summer?? Huh Greenbay??? Wouldn't it be nice to enjoy your glorious Packers in the scorching, Death Valley-esque, crumbling heat of a lovely 45 degree July day?? I mean people give less and less of a shit about baseball anyway...make those Dominican fucking janitors play baseball with a negative 15 windchill at Miller Park on Christmas Eve. (OK I'm sorry about the Dominican janitors comment...every Dominican in the Major League makes more money then I will ever imagine seeing in my life and with any luck I might get to be one of their janitors). I'm an idea man folks...and I think I'm onto something...football is awesome, Winter sucks donkey boner turds in the ass...can we separate the two please?

You know what I did last Summer? I went to a bar on a Saturday in the middle of the day in a sleeveless American flag shirt and watched Soccer and then after getting hammered I went fishing...in the same outfit...and it was 100 degrees out...and it was fucking beautiful!!! OK maybe that doesn't technically apply but Summer is way more awesome than any time of year when it is cold. I love being outside and sweating and not having to wear layers. (By the way I also don't like Soccer but America was playing Britain and there are a surprisingly large number of English people in this town and we were going to an Irish pub so I had to be as big of a redneck asshole as I was raised to be. D-day bitches...D-day.)